CD 1 again; or, thoughts on TTC #2

My second postpartum period showed up yesterday morning, making my first cycle back a respectable 30 days. I'm not sure if I ovulated or not, I usually could tell ovulation (even w/o OPKs and temping) by a bit of EWCM but saw none this cycle. My usual pre-Cheeks cycles were between 26-28 days, so I suppose this is a good sign of things getting back to {my old infertile} normal even with the wildcard breastfeeding hormones making things a bit off.

I'm happy to report than with cycle day one didn't come those old feelings of devastation. Of course I didn't expect to get pregnant this cycle, but I think trying to conceive #2 is going to a whole new ball game and I honestly don't know what to expect emotionally. It sucks that I'm counting on loss and heartbreak, I'm bracing myself for it. At the same time, it is great that I know we can conceive without assistance and even better that I know I can carry a baby to term. But...at the same time, it scares me that my husband will push for never going back to the RE {since we got nothing good - an ectopic and a miscarriage}and that I might go along with it. Instead we'll hope away our time, hoping that we get a miracle baby like Cheeks again until all my eggs are shit and find we're out of time. You know likely, at the "old" age 30 or something {I hope you all sense my sarcasm at 30 being old - but with my FSH reading at 26, I may be out of time at 30.}.

I thought about calling up the RE to request CD3 blood work, but quickly realized that would bring up a bunch of decisions that I'm not prepared to make. I'm not ready to wean now, Cheeks is not ready to be weaned now. He still very much craves the comfort of breastfeeding..in fact refuses the bottle until he's absolutely starving, so I'm trying to take my cues from him. I'm not ready to really start TTC now. I don't even know if we'll go back to the RE for help right away. That's a lot of time, effort, and money that I'm not quite ready to invest right away. I'm not even sure how reliable an FSH reading while breastfeeding would be. {Anyone know?} So, my thought is I need to email both my old RE and the RE I was prepared to switch to for advice on both how long I could wait and what they suggest for next steps. With this information, hopefully hubs and I can make an informed decision on what to do next. The other thing we could do is TTC on our own when Cheeks is one year to two years, and then go to the RE around May of 2013 if necessary.

I'm finding the emotions surrounding trying to conceive a second baby more complex than the first time around. I feel guilty or unworthy of getting pregnant again for wanting another child. I feel a different kind of motivation about it all because I desperately want Cheeks to have a sibling somewhat close in age to him. I'm calmer - there are so many more knowns, now ~ I know I am a mother, I know I can get pregnant, I know I can carry a baby, and I know what our issues are. I know we'll likely have trouble conceiving again. I know I have a higher chance than the average woman of having a miscarriage. I don't know how much pain or heartache we'll need to go through to get a second child, or if we'll be lucky enough to get there at all. I don't know how I'll be able to be a good mother and deal with IF treatments / a miscarriage / whatever the future holds for us. I don't want our quest for a second baby to get in the way of enjoying and loving our first who we are so, so lucky to have.

It's all so murky and complex, and I just don't know when I'll be able to board the crazy TTC train again. But I see it in the distance and it scares the sh*t out of me and excites me all at the same time. First step: email my old REs for info and see what they suggest.

8 months!

My crawling, climbing, sweet boy,

You are eight months old!

Cheeks, at 8 months you:

*Weigh a bit over 23 lbs 4 oz. You wear 18 month clothes and a size 3 diaper.

*Eat mostly breast milk, but you are loving solids! You love oatmeal and all sorts of veggie and fruit purees. We tried to give you small, soft finger foods (like chopped banana), and you don't seem ready to pick it up and gum it yet.
*You crawl, climb, stand while holding onto things, walk while holding onto Mom's hands. Pull up to a stand on everything and try to climb up everything. It's been a fun month! We finally got the gate at the top of the stairs up, and you've started climbing up the stairs already. I didn't expect you to get so mobile so fast. Time for more gates!


*You have two bottom teeth! I can see your top gums getting more swollen , so I think at least one top tooth will show up before you're nine months. You bit me a couple of times while breastfeeding (owwwwww, it seriously hurts like hell), but we're trucking on!


*Laugh hysterically at the dog and smile your biggest smile when Daddy comes home from work.


*You're starting to experiment vocally more ~ you are doing more consonants (I even heard ma ma ma ma ma last night, though you have no idea what you said, I'm sure) and it's so much fun. You're so into talking, you're actually waking up multiple times a night just to babble some nights. It's adorable.

*You wave and are trying so hard to clap.


*Sleep has been off and on this month with getting teeth, travelling for both Christmas and New Year's. It's always a work in progress.


Love you so, so much!
your mama

2011 in review

1. What did you do in 2011 that you'd never done before?
Had a baby, became a mom. Breastfed a baby for 7+ months (and counting.)

2. Did you keep your 2011 resolutions, and will you make more next year?
I'm not big on resolutions and I didn't make any last year.
This year I do have a few personal goals:
~workout / run more (do 1 or 2 5Ks, at least)
~focus on doing something for me, projects that will expand my skills (considering taking a web design class?)
~make time for hubs and I.


3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
It seems like everyone did. My sister. A neighbor. My SILs SIL and friend. My SIL's SIL's SIL and friend. Many good blog friends!


4. Did anyone close to you die?
Thankfully, no.

5. What countries did you visit?
We didn't make it out of the country this year. The furthest we went this year was our baby moon in Hilton Head, SC / Savannah, GA.

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?
Travel! I have a million places I want to go, but not sure where we'll make it to.

7. What dates from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory and why?
May 19 - Cheeks' bday
Aug 14 - Cheeks' baptism
Aug 19 - our 5 yr anniversary
Oct 24 - birth of my niece

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Having a baby, successfully breastfeeding him, and being a pretty good mom (I think...I hope...).

9. What was your biggest failure?
Not making enough time for my husband.


10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
No, just recovering from the c-section but besides that it was a pretty healthy year.


11. What was the best thing you bought?
A crib!


12. Where did most of your money go?
Hospital bills

13. What did you get really excited about?
After years of struggling, delivering a healthy baby :-)


14. What song will always remind you of 2011?
Country Girl ~ Luke Bryan
Sexy and I Know It & Party Rock Anthem ~ LMFAO
Someone Like You ~ Adele


15. Compared to this time last year, are you:
-Happier or sadder? SO much happier!
-thinner or fatter? Thinner, but it's all moved around.
-Richer or poorer? Poorer, but hopefully it's up from here.!

16. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Spending time with the husband, focusing on each other more.

17. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Stressing while pregnant.


18. How did you spend Christmas?
Christmas day was at home with Cheeks and hubs. Christmas morning I made quiche, we opened gifts and just enjoyed each other.

19. What was your favorite TV program?
Modern Family, How I Met Your Mother, True Blood. I can't pick a winner...

20. What were your favorite books of the year?
I didn't read much...but I did enjoy "Sing it Home" by Jodi Picoult.


21. What was your favorite music from this year?
Adele


22. What were your favorite films of the year?
Apparently all the movies I thought I saw in 2011 were really from 2010. So the only two movies I saw from 2011 (how is this possible?) are:
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
And Moneyball.


23. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
May 21 - 28 - I was in the hospital with my new baby boy. My Mama brought me cake :-)


24. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
A maid.

25. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?
Ha. I don't know that I've ever had a personal fashion concept. Is this a normal thing? The beginning of the year was anything that would fit over my giant belleh, the second half was all about ease of boob access. But I did get a cute pair of grey riding boots at the end of the year - the only thing that I'm pretty excited about wearing.


26. What kept you sane?
Blogging and Mom's groups.

27. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011.
Waiting and struggling to get something makes finally achieving it that much more amazing, surreal, and enjoyable.

TVT - holiday edition

Hey there friends! I am sure not many people are out there reading since most are on vacation, but I had a second, so thought I'd write today.

*If you haven't yet, please go offer some support to Many Many Moons.

*Christmas was all kinds of wonderful. My heart was so full and so grateful, I rocked my little guy longer than I should have Christmas night and kissed his sweet Cheeks too many times and cried big ole tears into his jammies. Best. Christmas. Ever.

*While I got to spend my first Christmas as a mama with my little man, I couldn't stop thinking about my fellow IFers who are still waiting for their little ones. The holidays are so hard when you're waiting to become a parent...another Christmas and New Year's that you thought would be so much different than the last.To all those still waiting for their miracles, I hope with everything I've got that you will get to experience this happiness in 2012.

*I got one present I didn't ask for and wasn't expecting on Christmas morning - the arrival of old Auntie Flo. I have had some spotting post-partum, but this was the first true period I've had since Cheeks. Blergh. I didn't miss tampons, pads or thinking about my not-so-reproductive bits.

*DH, Cheeks, and I are heading up north to Minnesota for New Year's at DH's grandparents with hubs' 'rents. We'll likely be spending New Years' Eve in the guest room at DH's grandparents' retirement community. I just made whatever NYE plans you have sound a whole lot better. You're welcome. Also, not looking forward to the 8 hour drive, but I am looking forward to seeing DH's Dad's side of the family.

*Hubs got a Roku for Christmas from his mom. He is addicted to that thing and spends every moment he's not at work messing with it and trying to find new channels. It's cute but also annoying. I wish I could just leave him with his new toy for an entire weekend so he could get this out of his system.

Hope you all had a good Christmas and have a great New Year's Eve!

7 months

My sweet Cheeks,

You are seven months old! (Well, on December 19th you were!)

Cheeks, at 7 months you:

*Weigh a bit over 22 lbs. You wear a mix of size 12 month and 18 month clothes and a size 3 diaper.
*Eat mostly breast milk, but you are really into solids these days. You love oatmeal, green beans, peaches, and sweet potatoes and like most of the other things we've given you. You don't like the one meat selection we've given you, chicken with brown rice, but we'll keep on trying.
*I'd say you're crawling, you are a mobile little guy, but you're not a huge fan. You're suddenly into climbing up onto everything. It's scary for me, but I let you climb do your thing within reason so you can learn.
*I see a bit of white of your first tooth popping through your gums on your top teeth! I think it will be quickly followed by a bottom tooth and I hope they get here soon {but at the same time, not, because it makes my nipples hurt just thinking about being bitten}.
*You just had your first big boy bath alone in the tub sitting up today! You loved not being squished into the tiny infant tub any more and splashing your toys around.
*Love feeling things and scratching your fingers on things. 
*You're still into screeching and razzing and have a new found love of pulling mommy's hair.
*You love playing peek a boo with daddy and you love laughing and climbing on our doggie.
*Sleep has been much, much better this month! We're usually getting at least 5 hour stretches overnight and maybe one wake up. You go down easily at 8, usually wake around 11 or 12 for a dream feed, then back down until around 7. So glad we're all getting some more sleep around here!


Love you,
your mama

Reflections on pregnancy and loss

I picked up a book at the library for some r&r reading during the holidays and decided on Jodi Picoult's new book, "Sing You Home." I read the first 30 some pages last night...and it was devastatingly sad. If you haven't heard {and fair warning that I will ruin the first 30 pages for you if you read on...and also NEVER read this book while pregnant}, the book has an IF theme. The protagonist, Zoe, after years of trying and multiple IVF cycles and miscarriages, is finally 28 weeks pregnant.  Then at her baby shower, Zoe feels a feels a gush - and sees blood.

Zoe delivers a baby boy stillborn at 28 weeks.

I simultaneously couldn't put the book down and wanted to throw it across the room. I read just before going to sleep, which was a terrible idea. The plot line sent my mind down an IF and loss rabbit hole - I couldn't stop thinking about my friends who have lost babies similar to how Zoe did, I couldn't stop thinking about how lucky I was to have a healthy 7 month old sleeping soundly just down the hall.

It also brought back all of my anxieties and fears I had when I was pregnant. I know I talked a lot about fears of losing the pregnancy while I was pregnant, particularly early on, but I couldn't write about how relieved I felt after having Cheeks. I was too ashamed of my feelings. I was so thankful that it was over and there was a baby in my arms - the great relief I felt that I could see and touch and feel my baby breathe and know that he was ok. Relieved that he was here and healthy.

I was glad not to pregnant any more, it truly felt like a giant weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Pregnancy made me face my doubt in my own body daily. Every minute of every day I had to trust that it was supporting another life and this life was okay. I didn't realize that I was figuratively holding my breath, waiting for something to go wrong, but I let out a giant exhale when I came home with a healthy baby boy.

I hope this all isn't coming across the wrong way, please know that I am so thankful and know how lucky I am to have experience a successful pregnancy. To feel a baby kicking inside of me...it was amazing. But as much as I hate to admit it, it was difficult for me. As a person who is very worry-free in most of her regular life, pregnancy after loss and infertility was a challenge. I tried to stay logical and know that the odds were in my favor of a healthy baby, but the kick counting, watching what I ate, only sleeping in certain positions, became tiresome. I have never been too concerned about food I ate or what I did until I was pregnant with Cheeks. Worrying doesn't suit me well. Right after he was born, I knew it wouldn't be a good idea for me to get pregnant again right away. I didn't take any precautions, but I knew that my head and my body needed some recovery time.

After having Cheeks and watching him grow, I couldn't help but be ashamed at how scared I was during his pregnancy. I wish I could have been more carefree, I wish I could have let go of my neurosis a bit and just enjoy every second of the precious time I carried him in my womb..who knows if I'll get to do it again. I look at my son, this big, healthy, thriving boy, and it is so easy for me to trust in him that he's healthy and I was a silly woman for worrying for a second.

So, lately I've been thinking I could handle getting pregnant again. Right around when Cheeks was 6 months, I thought, I'm ready. I could handle it. I'm not ready to wean and get back in the TTC ring, but I've healed from whatever post-traumatic stress was going from the ectopic, the infertility battle, the miscarriage, and physically from the pregnancy that I could do it again.

Then I opened that book last night, and read about the horrific loss at 28 weeks. Then today, a friend at a Mom's group I go to is currently experiencing her second post-partum miscarriage - her daughter is one hour older then Cheeks. It just opened those old feelings again - reminded me of how difficult it all can be. How much can go wrong and how it could rip open my heart once again, how fragile it all is.

There's no telling how the journey to #2 will go for us. I'd like to think that it would be easier, but no one knows what the future holds. I don't know what the right end to this post is, my plan hasn't changed. I guess if anything recent events have reminded myself of my own journey and heartaches, and made me realize that I wasn't just crazy during my pregnancy. I think I was trying to tell myself since Cheeks was born that what I went through was really not that big of a deal and I shouldn't have had such a hard time. It was and is a coping mechanism to facing wanting another child. There were real fears going on and while a subsequent pregnancy or even TTC journey would be different, I'm still vulnerable. It probably will hurt like hell, it probably won't be easy the second time around. But it feels good to remind myself: I wasn't just some sort of crazy person the first time, I went through some seriously hard shit. I need to own that and be proud that I made it through the battle, beautiful son in my arms. Maybe I'll handle it all better the next time, maybe I won't. Things will be totally different.

But you know what? I did ok the first time. I am happy and healthy, my marriage is going well, and my son is a happy, growing boy. I should be proud of myself, not ashamed of my fears and anxiety during pregnancy. I got through it and whatever comes next in this journey to our family, I will get through it too. {we probably won't start TTC until May 2012. I have yet to have a post-partum period due to breast-feeding}

Cheeks Video

It's been pretty quiet on this blog lately, so I thought I'd post a video of Cheeks in all his scooting, hands n knees rocking, Christmas tree shaking, and pounding on boxes glory. Hope you all enjoy! {And apologies for my brief cameo in my jammies.}