Blah and MN recap

Yea.  Blah.  That's what I'm feeling about things generally.  I'm not in a great place right now - I'm still sad and I'm still sobbing at times about the miscarriage but I don't feel like I'm ready to move on.  I don't know when I'll be ready.  I guess you just have to take that leap and deal with it if you start losing it at some point?  I don't know.  {if you have feedback on this, feel free to comment...}

Last weekend was especially hard in Minnesota with the in-laws.  Before I even talked with anything I felt claustrophobic like I was being smothered.  I think I was just scared that my fragile self would break down at any moment and I would have no where to run to.  It wasn't terrible really but it obviously wasn't fun.  It was just too soon.  And when we planned this trip, we thought that we would be able to tell them we were expecting our first child....and that just made things that much harder.  Even the most innocent "what's new?  how are you guys doing?" Obviously the first thing that comes to mind is "well...I was pregnant but now I'm not and it sucks and I have to go back to my RE to try to get pregnant again. NEways, wha'ts up w/ you??"

So what did the brilliant Al do?   I drank too much.  It was stupid....super stupid.  I knew that if I drank I would get all emotional.  But I thought what the hell...and drank captain morgan and coke.  Stupid, stupid girl who think she can drink like she did in college...um yea..not any more.  The night was going fine at first I was happy and chatting with people.  I was sitting next to Chris' cousin who was adopted and I've always wondered what the story and how he felt about that, etc.  Did they have trouble?  Did the child just fall in their laps somehow and they wanted to take him in? 

So, I asked the adopted kid how he felt about being adopted.  He's old enough to discuss it, he's about my age.  But it just opened a huge can of worms that I wasn't emotionally prepared to handle.  The good news is he of course is very happy at his family and never wanted to go searching for his birth family, he has everything he wants and doesn't feel like there's a void of some sort.  And then he asked his Mom to tell everyone the story of his adoption.  Which was very cool and heartwarming and beautifiul how amazing and perfectly things worked out for them...but I of course started crying.  And that prompted his aunt to ask Chris separately what was going on with us.  He told her everything - the IF, the miscarriage, the problems, the heartache.

She has 2 biological children that she calls her "miracle" babies.  Her doctor said she wouldn't be able to conceive but she did, twice, about ten years apart.  So, she has two biological and one adopted child.  Things worked out for her...and I think it broke her heart to know what we're going through and how hard it is.  She took me aside later and told me that things will work out.  I wish I was more "with it" but I wasn't I was a wreck and I couldn't ask the questions I would have asked normally or gotten the same reassurance I would have normally.  I do remember her hugging me and telling me everything was going to be okay that things will work out somehow, some way.  I'm embarrassed that I cried in front of her.  In front of the family.  But at the same time, I'm not.  I'm glad they know...I'm glad it's out there. I just wish I would have been a little more together and adult about the way the message was delivered instead of some sort of sobbing, whining mess. 

But what's done is done.  They know.  That's a good thing.  Though I wish I could have explained things better and more thoroughly, it happened and the whole hurt of it is out there for everyone to see.  If nothing else, they will be incredibly happy when we are successful and that will feel great.

In other news..I am very very excited for the Spa weekend!!!  I'm going with my sis, mom, SIL (bro's wife, not the one w/ kids), and her mom.  There's gambling, a wine / chocolate festival, spa treatments, the superbowl, and just general R&R on the agenda.  I hope it does wonders in improving my mood and outlook...I could use some peace and positivity.

You know you're infertile when... (part 2)

{Did you miss part one?  Check here.}

...You wear long sleeves all the time to cover up the bruised viens from frequent blood draws.  {You don't need anyone thinking you're a druggie.}

...At the beginning of each new month you automatically calculate how many months you've been TTC.  And then wish you hadn't.

...You stock pile copious amounts of all things said to aid in fertility {Brazil nuts, pineapple, whole milk...}

...You beg your nurse to give you a prescription for pills to stick up your hoo-hah

...You analyze every woman's belly to see if they're expecting worse than "Star" magazine

...You don't want to paint the would-be nursery-currently-guest-bedroom because it seems like you're giving up all hope.


...The sight of darling baby items (socks, blankets, onesies) bring you to tears

...Commercials for the junior college piss you off because they market to women who got knocked up on accident.. "Life got in the way of you pursuing your career" Cue woman with baby (bitch!!  Ho!!)

...You have dreams about AF coming so you can get started on a new cycle

...You analyze every thing about your lifestyle and tweaked it to reach "optimal" fertility

...You spend your lunch hour at work reading and commenting on IF blogs..who needs to socialize with coworkers??

...You've now read all the IF books at the library and there's still no baby.

...You feel downright naughty drinking, even on a "break" month

Any you want to add to the list??

Time to shake things up a bit

The last few posts here have been really serious and heavy.

{To be expected in the wake of a miscarriage and a fight with my sis. Thanks for all of your support on those emotional posts, I appreciate it.}

But hey, I'm not all about gloom and doom...so it's time to switch things up a bit. I got some good things going on.

So, outside of the tryin' to make babies, here's what's going on in the life of Al:

House decorating:
Chris and I started redecorating the house and getting it setup as best we can last weekend. We've been there three and a half years - you would think everything would be done, but...it's not. We're slackers. So, last weekend we tackled the first two projects: finishing painting the hallways and stairwells a regular boring beige-y color. It looks nice..and well finished, I guess.

Then we got started on the more fun project of painting our downstairs living room. We chose a pale blue color to go with the tan couches we already have, and purchased some black side tables as accessories from IK.EA. The room still isn't complete - we need to hang some pictures and get some of the old furniture out - but here is a peek at a few of the elements so far:

{Don't ask if the color is "baby blue" as my mom did on the phone did last night! Color is called "Autumn Fog."}

I'll post more pictures when the room is complete - that probably won't be for another couple weeks since I'll be out of town the next two weekends. Next home project: painting and making a headboard for our master bedroom...phew, so much to do!

Trip to MN this weekend:
Driving the 7 hours or so up to MN to visit Chris' extended family this weekend. I hope it's a decent time, I am quite scared of being in the car for so long with my 6 months pregnant SIL and my adorable 2 yo nice, and the inevitable questions that come from family you only see once a year. Esp after you've been married 3 yrs and have yet to produce a kid. But, his grandparents won't be around forever and we need to make an effort to see them. It just sucks that back when we planned this trip I thought I'd be 9 weeks along and we'd get to share some good news with everyone. No such luck. But I hope I can manage to have a good time anyways.

Spa weekend in IN next weekend:
Next Thursday night, I'll drive the 4 hours to IN for spa weekend with my mom, sis, SIL, and SIL's Mom in southern Indiana. I am much more excited for this trip than the MN trip - all of these ppl know what's been going on with me. And it will just be nice, lots of wine drinking, girl talking, spoiling ourselves at the spa {I'm splurging on a mineral bath, body scrub, and massage package!}, hanging out in our cute cottage rental...it should be a relaxing three days. The only possible downside of this is if AF shows up (I really don't know when to expect her) and I'm out of town and can't get my CD3 crap done. But if that happens, I've decided I'll just take another month off. {Hope it doesn't happen that way, but I'll live with it if it does.} When I come home Monday Feb 8th, I'll be relaxed, rejuvenated, refreshed and ready to start a new cycle with the RE! Fingers crossed timing works out!

Happy Thursday everyone! Hope you're doing well.

There are those that understand...

...and those that think they understand but can't.

...and those that don't understand but wish so badly they did.

...and there are those that don't understand but don't want to.

...and those that are completely oblivious.

Navigating life mixed with all of these different attitudes on infertility is an emotionally draining art that is impossible to get right. Share too much and people won't want to talk to you any more. Share too little and people think you're withdrawing from them.

Damned if I do. Damned if I don't.

I attempt to walk a thin line of sharing just enough to get the support and understanding I need from my family without sharing every step of the journey. At first, the family knew that we were trying and failing. I shared when we got a diagnosis and I explained what that diagnosis was and what it meant. I shared when we got pregnant. I called when I miscarried. And since then, I haven't had much to say. I've been working and thinking and doing what I have to each day just to get through each day.

I don't give a day to day update of my emotional turmoils and tiny triumphs. I can't run my entire family and my in-laws through the ringer of emotions that is this journey. I don't think it's helpful for me and I don't think it would help them.

I did give my sister the URL to this blog so she could read along. So she gets a glimpse into what's going on with me at any point in time. I still talk to her on the phone during the week about life in general but skirt around the pain of infertility because I don't always find it to be a positive conversation. I don't always have the emotional strength to talk about what's going with that mess. I don't always want to talk about it. Sometimes I want to focus on ANYTHING else and I keep my infertility dribble compartmentalized on my blog. It's worked for me for the past 6 or so months. I can focus on it a few times a week, write down what I'm feeling, and just keep living life outside of that.

Is this the perfect way of doing things? Is it healthy?

Perhaps not.

But it is my way of coping and dealing. I've found that when I lay it all out there for family and friends they often try to minimize what I'm feeling or share stories about someone else they know. They try really really hard to help me feel better. I know they try. But, unfortunately, in the end, I don't feel better. I often feel worse.

And it's not their fault. I've tried to explain that I understand that it's hard to know what to say to be and damn near impossible to gauge if I want to talk about or if I don't or if they ask about it how I will react on any given day. I hate being difficult. My family and my friends are doing their very best to get me to get what I'm going through. I know that I'm not easy to deal with and I know that it's not easy for them to see me struggling to stay afloat. Especially now, after my hopes and dreams were finally realized then so quickly stolen from me.

I've done my very best to talk to them, to help them understand how to talk to me, but I must be failing. My sister and I got in a huge fight over the phone over the weekend about how I'm depending on the blogging community for support when I should be depending on my family for support. She said I need a break from blogging and it's taken over my life. And how I've hurt her and she feels that I might as well get a new family since apparently I think the one I've got is crap. And a lecture on how great my life is and how very fortunate I am - how amazing my husband and job and dog and house are and how thankful I should be for it all instead of constantly focusing on what I don't have.

That hurt me. A lot.

I am focused on having a family. Because me having a family unfortunately needs that kind of focus. I can't just hop in bed with my husband and make a baby. I tried that for 1.5 years and no luck. It takes me, one RE, one nurse, my husband's sperm washed up and inserted into my uterus, drugs that make me crazy, and like five doctor's appts to make a baby. And it might take more, it could be IVF or adoption; but whatever it is will take lots of hard work and effort. And that sucks. I'm not only mourning the loss of haphazard crazy love-making, the ideal future that I had in my head with 4 kids and a dog and 10 acres and a beautiful house, and the little September baby that I so loved and lost. My time, my easy simple life, and my hard work equals results attitude have all been stolen from me.

In the end, my sister apologized to me and said she just wants me to be happy. Right now, she knows that I'm not and it's hurting her to watch me struggle. I hope she gets that it's not her that's the problem. It's me. It's my deal and I am simply surviving right now. I know it's difficult to watch, but I am doing my very best and I'm not perfect. I love my family and they are 100 percent irreplaceable. I love my sister for being there for me even while I'm dealing with all of this and not being my old fun self....even if I can't talk about it.

But I also need the blogging community, my IF friends that can tell me that my emotional reactions are normal. They can give me advice on how to talk to my family. Support when they've been through infertility and then suffered a miscarriage, like me, or whatever is thrown at me next. Share RE appointment / drug / procedure experiences and expectations. Give me ideas on how to get out of a baby shower and automatically understand why I cannot go to them. Laugh at the funny moments we find along the way. And I can use my pain and experience to support them; it's the one positive I can find in this. I like being there for you all.

I need both right now. I need my IF friends. And I desperately need my sister, my family, & friends. I need them to have fun with me when I'm having good day and be supportive when I'm having a bad day.

All they can say is "I'm sorry that this is so hard and I know you're struggling. Please know that I care for you and I love you. I am here for you in whatever you need."

That's all I need to hear.

What works best for you in talking about infertility with your family and friends?

{Keep comments civil, please. thanks!}

Better to have loved and lost?

They say that it's better to have loved and lost than never loved at all.

I've been contemplating that saying in regards to my recent miscarriage. Would it have been better to never have gotten pregnant in the first place if you end up miscarrying in the end?

Before getting pregnant, I would have said I wouldn't have wanted to even be pregnant. If there wouldn't be a real live baby after nine months, what is the point of getting pregnant at all? All it would get you is an emotional roller coaster ride that ends in the most intense sadness and despair that you have probably ever experienced.

That's partly true. Of course I never want to ever experience another miscarriage EVER, EVER again. I don't wish it on anyone. It's incredibly, heartbreakingly awful.

But at the same time, I wouldn't take back what's happened given the choice. I don't wish that I didn't get pregnant in December. I don't take back telling our families and sharing our joy with them, even if in the end this baby will never be. I don't look back on the short time I was pregnant and feel total sadness - I also feel some happiness of the days where I smiled at the thought of my little one thriving in my uterus. I feel some joy at how happy Chris and I were, dreaming of our September baby and thinking of possible names. I feel happiness when I remember waking up each morning and realizing I was still pregnant that we were one day closer to meeting our first child.

As hard as it was and is, I don't wish that I didn't get pregnant. It feels like that baby is somehow a part of me and a part of our history; etched into the very fabric of my being and to our marriage. He or she has uniquely shaped our journey with the highest of highs and the lowest of lows.

I don't know if it's normal to feel this way. I don't know if I had a second consecutive miscarriage if I would feel the same. I only know that I can't and won't ever take back those couple of wonderful weeks of bliss that I spent carrying our little one or the sadness or difficulties that follow.

So, yes, I would say it's better to have loved and lost than never loved at all.

Another ICLW!

Whoa...I can't believe it's the 21st of the month already! ICLW always sneaks up on me. {Don't know what ICLW is? Check here to join!}. Happy ICLW, everyone!

I'm Al, I'm 26 and my husband and I have been trying to conceive our first child for over a year and a half now, since May of 2008. After three rounds of clomid with my OB/GYN, I finally got up the courage to go to an RE in November 2009. We had our first IUI on 100 mg Clomid in Dec 09 and found out on my CD3 appointment that I have elevated FSH of 11.2, signally depleated ovarian reserve and female factor infertility. We got the best Christmas present ever with a BFP on 12/23!! We were ecstatic! The sheer joy was short lived - I miscarried naturally on 1.10.10 at 6w2d. I'm still picking up the pieces and coming to terms with our loss. We're planning to go back for another IUI in Feb. Nothing is more exciting and absolutely petrifying than getting pregnant again.

Besides attempting to procreate, I also love to paint, watch movies, cook, be a complete goofball with my adorable husband, and hang out with my hilarious dog, Bentley:

A few good days

Hey all!

Thank you guys for your feedback on my necklace question - I ended up ordering the teardrop necklace ! I'm very excited for it to come in the mail. I'm happy that I'll have a reminder of the little one I lost and the wonderful few weeks we had. I'll post some pics when it comes in the mail, it should be here in a few days.

So, Tuesday was a great day. I left work early to get to a my therapy appointment. The session was good, the therapist went through many different aspects of what's difficult about infertility and about miscarriage. We discussed my relationship with my husband, my family. The most challenging question she asked was "who do you have to talk to in your life about your infertility - besides Chris - and it's a positive experience?" This question had me a bit stumped. It's hit or miss with my Mom and my family, I know they try very hard to understand, but there's really no way they can get it. They are very respectful and don't pry about things since they know we're having problems, but there's really no one in real life that I can count on to always get it and say the right thing. Then I talked to her a bit about my blog and how it's helped me so much to take the loneliness out of this experience. She seemed to think I'm handling things well, that I had a good sense of what is healthy for me and what's not.

We chatted a bit about treatment paths or paths to parenthood - I'm concerned that right now we have no "plan b." I don't think not being parents is an option that we would be okay with. It makes me very nervous that right now Chris is only on board with having children of our own. I don't feel that way necessarily - I would love to experience pregnancy and have biological children, but I also feel I would love and care for an adopted child the exact same. So, I want reflect on our broader options to family building and talk to Chris about it after I get my own thoughts in order.

And then the really fun part of Tuesday - I had the pleasure of meeting APlusB from A+B, Waiting for C! She is such a lovely, strong, and caring woman. We talked for hours and were practically kicked out of the restaurant by our waiter! Oops :-). It was so refreshing to talk to someone who understands how hard this is, sympathizes, and knows what to say. It was so surreal to meet her in person after knowing so much about her from her blog. Thanks for meeting up, APlusB, I'm so lucky to have found your blog!

Today was a good day at work - I had a four hour meeting this afternoon. Which sounds horrible, but it was just the kind of long meeting that really excites me. Talking about how our new products should look, which I turn have to figure out how it will technically work, break it out into tasks for our tech team, and then execute. It's figuring out how things can best work technically that's exciting to me. Lots of work to do, but lots of interesting work ahead. {Oy, see why I never talk about work on here? Boring!!}

And the cherry on top - tonight I got a haircut! Ahh, it feels so much better. Sometimes there's nothing like getting a haircut to make you feel all shiny and new.

Overall I'm feeling much better the past couple of days. Yes, the pain is still there, but it's in the background. I choose to think about it at times or set it aside for later. I am still distracted at work at times, but I can contain my emotions well for the most part and function at work. I'm living, and I'm enjoying things while not forgetting what was lost.