Second Beta

Just a very quick post to let you all know that I'm still here and things are going well so far.

Today's beta (#2) was a 471!

With my first beta of 41 last Wednesday, I did the math and thought today would be around 140 (doubling everything three days) to 260 (doubling every two days). I don't know if I do the math right or what, but that number was a helluva a lot higher than I expected. Not that that's a bad thing, it was just very surprising to me.

So, so far so good.

I'm really sorry that I haven't commented in a few days, but we left Saturday to drive the four hours to Indiana and have been busy with family stuff since arriving. It's hard to sneak away to comment when my Mom needs help prepping for having more family over - three families in three nights. Tonight we're telling my family the news, I wrapped my parents up a gift with a onesie and a "grandparents-to-be" card. I hope to post how it goes tomorrow and catch up on commenting, but we have another party tomorrow night to prep for, so we'll see how that goes!

Hope all of you are doing well and a very Merry Christmas with your families.

Tentatively Pregnant

Thank you so much to all of you that left me congratulations yesterday! It's so great to celebrate with all of you.

I feel so incredibly fortunate that I'm in this position. I'm amazed and thankful that I'm actually pregnant. As I've written before, I was very much betting that our first IUI would not work. It's incredible and I've been floating along, happy that this is real, enjoying that we may have a baby around September 4, 2010, but also holding back complete acceptance of this pregnancy. For now. I'm not sure when I'll feel that I'm out of the woods completely - maybe after that first ultrasound when I can actually see the baby?

So, what's next? I have follow up betas Monday and Wednesday next week to ensure that this is a viable pregnancy. I so hope my numbers look good and double as they should. The scheduling of these betas was a bit of a headache. When the nurse first called and told me the news, she immediately said that I would need to come in Mon and Wed for follow up bloodwork. DH and I were planning to leave for Indiana (4 hours away) to spend time with my family on Sunday and return on Thursday or so. I really didn't want to miss Christmas with my family. I asked if I could get the bloodwork done in Indiana and faxed back to their office. The nurse initially told me that they wanted me to stay in town in case something happened, but she checked with the doctor. Luckily the doc agreed that it was okay for me to have the betas drawn in Indiana so long as we found a place that had same day blood results that would be faxed back to them.

Hubby came to the rescue and found an REs office about 20 minutes from my parents' house, setup the appointments, called the IL RE office back, got the orders sent, all that good stuff. He had the day off while I was at work, and I couldn't do all this in my cube without everyone and their mom overhearing.

So, I'm all set for blood work. I'm nervous that this pregnancy isn't going to last, that I'll wake up on Christmas morning bleeding and it will all be over. I'm temping just to keep my sanity so I can see the levels stay high so I have just a little more peace of mind that things are still okay, even without the beta numbers. So far so good, today I took a temp of 98.8, up .2 from yesterday.

Symptoms, umm, there have been a few times that I felt a little woozy. Even before I knew I was pg, I noticed it but accounted it to nerves / wishful thinking. My boobs feel a little heavier, and my nipples have tingled a few times, but nothing too crazy. That's it.

I have yet to pee on a stick. I thought that would be something I'd really want to do, since for so long they were negative and I might actually see a positive. But surprisingly, I haven't had that urge. I didn't have the urge before the beta either. I figured if it was negative, I would discount it anyways, so there was no point. I didn't really consider that it would be positive since my bloodwork was around 12dpo (according to my chart) or 13 dpiui.

I've been thinking about telling the family A LOT. And talking to DH about it a lot. My sister already knows, she knew there was a beta yesterday and reads this blog so I kinda had to tell her. She of course was SO EXCITED and it felt great being able to share the news. I so badly want to tell my in laws tonight when we go over for Christmas eve, but DH's younger brother won't be there and DH doesn't want to leave him out of the announcement. I know it's incredibly early, I'm only 4 weeks along. Most women wouldn't even know they were pregnant yet. But it all just seems too perfect right? And wouldn't I want them to know if it didn't work out anyways? I'm leaning towards telling my family Monday night (we'll at least have the second beta and know that it's still going up) but waiting to tell DH's family til maybe New Year's Day when his brother is back in town and we have all three betas under our belt.

So, anyone have any great ideas of how to tell my family as we're opening presents on Monday night? I was thinking of wrapping a onesie as a gift to my Mom.

We are so lucky and fortunate and blessed that we got the one thing we have so desperately yearned for for so long. It will be a very Merry Christmas for me and DH. We are very thankful.

I know that there are so many of you that have been at this longer than we have, been through more than us, and I know it's difficult. It pains me that so many of you are still trying and I hope with all my heart that I can celebrate your successes very soon. I hope that my posts from now on aren't upsetting to you but if you feel it's better for you that you don't follow along with my blog any more, I understand. I know it's hard and I don't want to add to anyone's pain. Hugs to all of you.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

The Results are in...

...and I'm pregnant.

I can't believe it.

HCG is 41

Progesterone is 25

I'm so happy.

I'm so scared.

I'm in complete disbelief.

In just 24 hours...

...I will either be super excited or let down that my first IUI cycle didn't work.

My beta is tomorrow morning, 7:30 AM. I should have the results by 5.

I've been trying my best to set my sights on next cycle. To focus on the positives of this cycle and the things that we learned from it. I had a good response to clomid, 3 nice follies, perfect lining. I'll likely have a good response next time. I can have just a perfect cycle next time, or the next one and maybe then it will work.

But I'm just not lucky enough to get pregnant on my first IUI.

Right?? Or am I??

No, I'm not that lucky.

I'm definitely not pregnant.

I'm not really feeling that I definitely am or definitely am not. I'm just kind of here. Waiting. Trying to not get my hopes up. Telling myself that even if it's negative this can and will still be a great Christmas.

If it's negative, the hubs and I decided it's frozen pizza for dinner. Or maybe Chinese, delivery of course so we can be in comfys and cry our {okay, just my} eyes out. And wine, lots of wine.

If it's positive.. scratch that. I'm not even considering that option. I will let myself plan tomorrow if it's good news...

I'll post an update as soon as I know.

Q and A with hubby

Hey Ladies,

Hope you all had a fantastic weekend! I'm happy to present a guest post from my husband on Infertility, life, and our first IUI. I liked reading his answers, most of them brought tears to my eyes. {And how cute is it that he put dots in drug names?} I hope you all enjoy the Q and A and reading about the journey from the other side.

~Al

Who are you?

I'm just another DH. AL's one and only. A.K.A. "Mr. Al"

What do you think of your wife blogging and/or this blog?

I think it has been a great release for her. It has been just what she needed, a medium for getting her thoughts out and a reason to organize them. I wouldn't say it was the beginning of our conversations about fertility or infertility, but it definitely spurred conversations between us. I've got a strong appreciation for all she writes. I've been trying to think about what to write for this blog for a couple of weeks now, but never came up with anyone topic that seemed important enough to be "post worthy" so I commend her on all she's written.

Anything you want to say to the readers of this blog?

I don't really know you all per say, but I feel like I know some of you because Al often tells me about her "blogger" friends - whose got a BFP, a BFN had IUIs, IVFs etc. (that's right, I know many of the commonly used IF acronyms). I'd definitely like to thank the readers/commentors and followers of this blog. On numerous occassions, I've looked over at Al while she was blogging and seen big smiles on her face. It's great to see her smiling even if it is for just a few minutes (while reading your blogs, or reading your nice/funny comments to her blog). I always enjoy the smiles. Good luck to all of you in your journey. I'm sure I'll continue to hear stories about you ... HOPEFULLY SUCCESSFUL ONES!

How do you think the first IUI went?

As Al mentioned, the IUI was not a difficult process. The process itself definitely went well. I feel like all of the numbers were good and all of the processes happened the way they were supposed to. The clo.mid definitely seemed to have less of an emotional effect on Al than it has in the past. She just didn't seem as edgy as previous clo.mid cycles. I learned how to use the Ovi.drel shot. Very simple process. Producing the sample wasn't as stressful as I thought it might be, but more about that later. I watched the nurse insert the "sample" into Al's uterus and tried to make it "special." When the nurse left the room, I gave Al a kiss and we said a quick prayer. Whether or not the IUI went "well" .... I guess I would have to wait until the beta test results to really know the answer to this one ;-)

What was the worst part of the IUI experience for you?

To be honest the worst part of the IUI for me was the "build up" of the importance of me producing a good sample. The more Al and I talked about whether or not I'd be able to produce a sample, the more concerned/stressed I got about it. It really turned out to be no big deal.

How was your experience producing your sample at the RE's office?

As I mentioned earlier, I thought it'd be a little more stressful than it was with all of the talking Al and I did about it. I thought it would be less stressful to produce the sample at home and bring it into the office because, "hey, no pressure right?" - You're at home, you've got plenty of time. When I heard it was going to be one of the coldest days that we'd had yet this year, I agreed with Al, that it might be better to produce the sample at the office. The decision to produce in the office got me worrying about time a little bit. Both Al and I had to go to work right afterwards and any "delay" might cause us to be later to work than projected and result in us having to make up some excuse. Plus, I knew I only had so much time to produce as they needed time to wash and prepare the sample. When I got to the office, the nurse walked me to the room with a "Do Not Distrurb" sign on the door. She told me where the "materials" were, and laid out some very "medical-looking", disposable towels on the dark black leather recliner. The room was small and quite warm. I took a moment to get aquainted with the room - see what "materials" were available, ensure the door was locked (although I'm not quite sure it was locked during actual "production") etc. Then I produced.

How would you rate the assortment of "visual motivation" they had at the RE's office?

I didn't look for very long at anyone thing. They had Play.boys in a magazine rack on the wall and a small bin with about 4 different videos in it. I thumbed through one Play.boy, but interestingly enough didn't really see much "motivation" in that particular magazine. Unfortunately I don't remember any of the video titles, but perhaps next time (if there is a next time), I'll try to remember a couple and pass them along to Al for your enjoyment. Those are always funny. I checked to see what/if any videos were already in the VCR. Yep ... indeed the last person had left a tape in there. I'll just say the material provided did what it was meant to do.

How do you handle the emotions that come with infertility? How does it differ from your wife?

I get a little frustrated when time after time the "normal methods" don't work for us. I'm a HUGE believer that an individual(s) can overcome anything if they put in the effort. At the beginning, I thought if we keep trying ... it will eventually work for us. Then, I started trying to diagnose what could be the problem for us. I'm a systems guys who's been diagnosing technical systems issues for a long time now. I tried applying the same logic, and even to this day, I still like to think "it's a system, something must be breaking down within the system causing us to not get the desired output." So ... any time I get a clue (ex: Dr. says Al has high FSH, Dr. says follicles grew, etc.) I think ... "So what does that tell us?" Al is a little better at showing her emotions about the whole thing. She gets sad on CD1 and talks/blogs about it, I get frustrated and start thinking back - "Wonder what might have gone wrong this time?" I am sad about the whole situation, but I think the frustration prevails and I get into a motivated mode to try to find the root cause.

Do you feel the same urgency to have kids as your wife?

I'm not sure about this one. I know we're young and that definitely helps. Al and I were talking about/planning to have 3 or 4 before we started trying. Based on that, I'm a bit concerned about our timeline. We might have between 5 and 9 left of "fertile" years (although they don't seem so fertile right now). On the small end of that scale, 4 would barely be achievable unless we had multiples. On the higher end, we could probably still pull it off. Since it is obviously somewhat out of our control, I just have to trust that God has a plan for us. I'm very much hoping it includes kids.

What has been the most difficult thing about infertility so far?


The toughest thing has been not knowing a real root cause of anything. We've been given some numbers that could be considered a little off, but with all of the tests ... No real major problem has come to the surface as being a root cause. The RE explained to us that our first cycle would be one to try a closely monitored IUI so hopefully we could find a root cause as we go. We're now almost all the way through the cycle, waiting to do a Beta on Wednesday, and the only thing of any concern to the RE was our FSH number. I thought we were looking for a cause? Since clo.mid and ovid.rel were involved, can we really say we learned anything? It seems like we'd have to monitor an unassisted cycle to be able to find anything, right? Although I am excited that we have a good chance based on the way everything has gone this cycle, I'd really like to understand some sort of a root cause. If this assisted cycle works, I'd like to know whether or not we have a chance without assistance. Is there hope for us for a "natural cycle BFP"?

When you see a baby, does it bring out the emotions in you?

I would say every baby I see, even every young child I see, every movie I see where someone is pregnant, having a baby or having troubles etc. reminds me of our situation. If I'm with Al when I have these thoughts, I sometimes peek at her just to see if she's doing OK. I'd say she's become a real pro at holding her emotions back in public spaces. I'd say I think about it, but I don't get too emotional about it.

Have you thought about when you would want to stop fertility treatments?

Not really - I wasn't really interested in doing IUIs, but we got to that point and we re-evaluated our situation. It seemed like it was the only way to diagnose any further what might be causing our problem. I'm feeling similarly about IVF, but if three IUIs go by and still no baby AND the doctor recommends it, I'll have to seriously consider IVF. I think I'm not really thinking too far forward because I've got hope that we won't have to go that far. It sounds like our next cycle (if there is one) will be another IUI, identical to this one (clo.mid, ovi.drel etc.).

What scares you the most about dealing with infertility?

I really want our kids to have our genes. Knowing that we may not be able to pass along our genes is the most scary or upsetting to me. I know there are options out there to have kids (adoption etc.), but I really want to have kids with Al (our genes).


What has infertility taught you about your marriage?



I'd say we're pretty strong. Prior to some of these infertility issues we didn't disagree much, there wasn't much tension between us ever really and we didn't have to do a lot of deep serious emotional talks. This is something my family didn't do a lot of, so this has been a good opportunity for us to develop this side of our relationship. I'm sure I don't always participate the way I should, but I'm hoping I'm getting better. It's obvious to me that Al and I are commited to each other no matter how this IF thing goes for us. That's not really a learning (I'd say I've always thought we were both committed), but more proof in action.

What are you most looking forward to when you become a father?

I'm looking forward to all the nice things my brother tells me about being a father.. He says even though you don't get much sleep, even if you have a terrible day at work, when you come home and see your little baby, excited to see you and smiling, you forget about all of the bad stuff. You really realize what's important in life. I'm excited to see a little baby we made grow into an amazing human being. I'm excited to watch it learn and teach it new things. I'm also looking forward to laughing at/enjoying all of the funny things he/she says/does. (By the way, I like this positive-minded question - not "If you become a father" but "WHEN you become a father").

How has IF affected your relationships with your family?

I haven't really talked to my family much about IF. It's kind of a taboo topic for my parents still or so it seems. I tried to kind of open the lines of communication with my parents, but I've only really talked about it once. I basically told them we were trying for over a year and it wasn't working so I'm not sure they'd call us infertile. They told me to keep trying and enjoy trying. I can tell my brother feels a little bit guilty at times since he's already got his second baby on the way. He's apologized to me about the way he and his wife announced the second pregnacy to us and he's asked if we've been seeing a specialist about it (shortly before we actually were), but more recently he hasn't talked much about it.

wouldn't it be nice...

My cousin had her second baby yesterday. My aunt sent an email announcing the birth this morning to the whole family. It's a boy, born yesterday. 8 pounds 9 oz.

My mom replies with this and CCs me and my siblings:
Wow! That is too cool!
What a growing family there is up there is Cleveland!
I am dying to know what his name is-he is such a BIG boy!!!!
Congratulations!!!!!

I'm sure my mom is a bit jealous of my aunt and uncle. This is their sixth grandchild and my parents have none.

I'm trying, Mom. I really am.

I hope I can give her the best Christmas gift by telling her we're finally pregnant.

If it worked out this cycle, I think the due date would be right around my Mom's birthday.

Oh, wouldn't it be nice...

One more week...

Hey all, sorry I've been a bit MIA since the IUI last Thursday. I've been super busy - my youngest brother and his girlfriend came to stay with us for a few days (Thursday - Sunday), I had my company xmas party Saturday night, then my sister and her boyfriend came to stay with us from Sunday - this morning. It was great having them around to distract me from what my mind would undoubtedly be churning with when left with nothing else to occupy it. We had a great time with my sis and her bf - we went downtown Chicago on Monday and went to a German Christmas festival, then had stuffed pizza and watched Monday night football. Then lots of Christmas shopping with my sis yesterday at an outlet mall close by, sushi for dinner, then watched the Hangover. I'm tired and I'm happy to have the house back to ourselves but I am so glad both sibs and their sigs came by. The distraction was great and it was fun :-)

Subconsciously, I think I've somehow compartmentalized my hope into some far away place. It hasn't taken over yet. A few times a day I think, "oh yea, I had that IUI last week. I almost forgot...." I'm kind of in a weird place. Just one more week and I'll know one way or another. I went in for a Progesterone check this morning, I hope I don't get a call from the nurse...if I don't that means my number is good and I don't have to use the prog suppositories. Haven't had to use those and I really don't want to....

So far, the 2ww has gone so fast. {now that I say that, it will probably slow to a crawl...}

Hope everyone is doing well.