Reflections on pregnancy and loss

I picked up a book at the library for some r&r reading during the holidays and decided on Jodi Picoult's new book, "Sing You Home." I read the first 30 some pages last night...and it was devastatingly sad. If you haven't heard {and fair warning that I will ruin the first 30 pages for you if you read on...and also NEVER read this book while pregnant}, the book has an IF theme. The protagonist, Zoe, after years of trying and multiple IVF cycles and miscarriages, is finally 28 weeks pregnant.  Then at her baby shower, Zoe feels a feels a gush - and sees blood.

Zoe delivers a baby boy stillborn at 28 weeks.

I simultaneously couldn't put the book down and wanted to throw it across the room. I read just before going to sleep, which was a terrible idea. The plot line sent my mind down an IF and loss rabbit hole - I couldn't stop thinking about my friends who have lost babies similar to how Zoe did, I couldn't stop thinking about how lucky I was to have a healthy 7 month old sleeping soundly just down the hall.

It also brought back all of my anxieties and fears I had when I was pregnant. I know I talked a lot about fears of losing the pregnancy while I was pregnant, particularly early on, but I couldn't write about how relieved I felt after having Cheeks. I was too ashamed of my feelings. I was so thankful that it was over and there was a baby in my arms - the great relief I felt that I could see and touch and feel my baby breathe and know that he was ok. Relieved that he was here and healthy.

I was glad not to pregnant any more, it truly felt like a giant weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Pregnancy made me face my doubt in my own body daily. Every minute of every day I had to trust that it was supporting another life and this life was okay. I didn't realize that I was figuratively holding my breath, waiting for something to go wrong, but I let out a giant exhale when I came home with a healthy baby boy.

I hope this all isn't coming across the wrong way, please know that I am so thankful and know how lucky I am to have experience a successful pregnancy. To feel a baby kicking inside of me...it was amazing. But as much as I hate to admit it, it was difficult for me. As a person who is very worry-free in most of her regular life, pregnancy after loss and infertility was a challenge. I tried to stay logical and know that the odds were in my favor of a healthy baby, but the kick counting, watching what I ate, only sleeping in certain positions, became tiresome. I have never been too concerned about food I ate or what I did until I was pregnant with Cheeks. Worrying doesn't suit me well. Right after he was born, I knew it wouldn't be a good idea for me to get pregnant again right away. I didn't take any precautions, but I knew that my head and my body needed some recovery time.

After having Cheeks and watching him grow, I couldn't help but be ashamed at how scared I was during his pregnancy. I wish I could have been more carefree, I wish I could have let go of my neurosis a bit and just enjoy every second of the precious time I carried him in my womb..who knows if I'll get to do it again. I look at my son, this big, healthy, thriving boy, and it is so easy for me to trust in him that he's healthy and I was a silly woman for worrying for a second.

So, lately I've been thinking I could handle getting pregnant again. Right around when Cheeks was 6 months, I thought, I'm ready. I could handle it. I'm not ready to wean and get back in the TTC ring, but I've healed from whatever post-traumatic stress was going from the ectopic, the infertility battle, the miscarriage, and physically from the pregnancy that I could do it again.

Then I opened that book last night, and read about the horrific loss at 28 weeks. Then today, a friend at a Mom's group I go to is currently experiencing her second post-partum miscarriage - her daughter is one hour older then Cheeks. It just opened those old feelings again - reminded me of how difficult it all can be. How much can go wrong and how it could rip open my heart once again, how fragile it all is.

There's no telling how the journey to #2 will go for us. I'd like to think that it would be easier, but no one knows what the future holds. I don't know what the right end to this post is, my plan hasn't changed. I guess if anything recent events have reminded myself of my own journey and heartaches, and made me realize that I wasn't just crazy during my pregnancy. I think I was trying to tell myself since Cheeks was born that what I went through was really not that big of a deal and I shouldn't have had such a hard time. It was and is a coping mechanism to facing wanting another child. There were real fears going on and while a subsequent pregnancy or even TTC journey would be different, I'm still vulnerable. It probably will hurt like hell, it probably won't be easy the second time around. But it feels good to remind myself: I wasn't just some sort of crazy person the first time, I went through some seriously hard shit. I need to own that and be proud that I made it through the battle, beautiful son in my arms. Maybe I'll handle it all better the next time, maybe I won't. Things will be totally different.

But you know what? I did ok the first time. I am happy and healthy, my marriage is going well, and my son is a happy, growing boy. I should be proud of myself, not ashamed of my fears and anxiety during pregnancy. I got through it and whatever comes next in this journey to our family, I will get through it too. {we probably won't start TTC until May 2012. I have yet to have a post-partum period due to breast-feeding}