My second postpartum period showed up yesterday morning, making my first cycle back a respectable 30 days. I'm not sure if I ovulated or not, I usually could tell ovulation (even w/o OPKs and temping) by a bit of EWCM but saw none this cycle. My usual pre-Cheeks cycles were between 26-28 days, so I suppose this is a good sign of things getting back to {my old infertile} normal even with the wildcard breastfeeding hormones making things a bit off.
I'm happy to report than with cycle day one didn't come those old feelings of devastation. Of course I didn't expect to get pregnant this cycle, but I think trying to conceive #2 is going to a whole new ball game and I honestly don't know what to expect emotionally. It sucks that I'm counting on loss and heartbreak, I'm bracing myself for it. At the same time, it is great that I know we can conceive without assistance and even better that I know I can carry a baby to term. But...at the same time, it scares me that my husband will push for never going back to the RE {since we got nothing good - an ectopic and a miscarriage}and that I might go along with it. Instead we'll hope away our time, hoping that we get a miracle baby like Cheeks again until all my eggs are shit and find we're out of time. You know likely, at the "old" age 30 or something {I hope you all sense my sarcasm at 30 being old - but with my FSH reading at 26, I may be out of time at 30.}.
I thought about calling up the RE to request CD3 blood work, but quickly realized that would bring up a bunch of decisions that I'm not prepared to make. I'm not ready to wean now, Cheeks is not ready to be weaned now. He still very much craves the comfort of breastfeeding..in fact refuses the bottle until he's absolutely starving, so I'm trying to take my cues from him. I'm not ready to really start TTC now. I don't even know if we'll go back to the RE for help right away. That's a lot of time, effort, and money that I'm not quite ready to invest right away. I'm not even sure how reliable an FSH reading while breastfeeding would be. {Anyone know?} So, my thought is I need to email both my old RE and the RE I was prepared to switch to for advice on both how long I could wait and what they suggest for next steps. With this information, hopefully hubs and I can make an informed decision on what to do next. The other thing we could do is TTC on our own when Cheeks is one year to two years, and then go to the RE around May of 2013 if necessary.
I'm finding the emotions surrounding trying to conceive a second baby more complex than the first time around. I feel guilty or unworthy of getting pregnant again for wanting another child. I feel a different kind of motivation about it all because I desperately want Cheeks to have a sibling somewhat close in age to him. I'm calmer - there are so many more knowns, now ~ I know I am a mother, I know I can get pregnant, I know I can carry a baby, and I know what our issues are. I know we'll likely have trouble conceiving again. I know I have a higher chance than the average woman of having a miscarriage. I don't know how much pain or heartache we'll need to go through to get a second child, or if we'll be lucky enough to get there at all. I don't know how I'll be able to be a good mother and deal with IF treatments / a miscarriage / whatever the future holds for us. I don't want our quest for a second baby to get in the way of enjoying and loving our first who we are so, so lucky to have.
It's all so murky and complex, and I just don't know when I'll be able to board the crazy TTC train again. But I see it in the distance and it scares the sh*t out of me and excites me all at the same time. First step: email my old REs for info and see what they suggest.
I feel the same way about so much of this stuff, so just want to reach out with an "I feel ya!" Hope you guys get lucky with an easy conception. :)
ReplyDeleteI know how you feel. I wanted number two in a way that was different from those who were trying for number 1. But, I desperately wanted it anyway. Good luck
ReplyDeleteHoppie and I decided we'd do a year of trying unassisted, with nothing but a fertility monitor and a bean bag for hip elevation before trying the fertility clinic route again. You might consider setting a number of cycles, rather than just leaving it open-ended. Also, since decisions like this are fluid and changeable, you might just say, "Let's try for x number of cycles then decide whether to continue this course of action or try a different thing."
ReplyDelete*hugs* and good luck! Trying for number two is in some ways easier than the first time... at least initially. I should disclaim that in my case, I got pregnant with #1 through the RE, so TTC #2 was an exercise of doing what worked the first time, and didn't take too long. I appreciate that your circumstances are different.
ReplyDeleteBut I still found that there was a huge difference between bearing in mind that you might never have children, and bearing in mind that your child might never have a sibling. And when I got a negative beta after an IVF cycle, being able to cuddle my son was indescribably precious.
That said, I remember being very anxious about wanting my children close in age too... Fearing that I would get period after period with that kind of pressure on me (a very different kind of deadline). And also balancing that feeling against when I would be *ready* to try again.
As far as the latter goes, I did know. I had a very long cycle (not that unusual for me) shortly after my son was a year old, took a pregnancy test to rule out the unlikely and felt disappointed when it came back negative. Not upset-disappointed... just aware of how excited I would have been to be pregnant again. Then I knew that I was ready to face all those fears and uncertainties over TTC again. (To be fair, my husband took a couple of months longer!)
I think contacting the REs and finding out where you stand is an excellent first step. Maybe discussing it with your husband as a hypothetical too? But when you're ready to actually go for it, I promise you, you'll know.
I totally understand what you're writing. My RE/Dr told me that I was "old" - at 32 - that I needed to TTC #2 and #3 back to back Oy.
ReplyDeleteI wish you luck and peace during this time and know that something wonderful will come out of ya'lls decision.
I have to admit I kind of had a rush of the old emotions when I got my first period after having Chloe. Even though I had her with me, I just remembered all of the negative months. We are not going to TTC for at least another year, and the last two cycles were much easier on me than the first, but I think it will always be weird. Once an IF'er, always an IF'er for the good and the bad. I hope it happens for you naturally when you are ready and you won't need to make all of the hard decisions about the RE.
ReplyDeleteGood luck during this time! Although we are definitely not going to be TTC any time soon, I cam imagine what an emotional rollercoaster it must be.
ReplyDeleteIt's a weird thing to be "starting" TTC knowing the issues that could lie ahead. It is so different from the start of TTC#1 before you imagine that you'll be one of "those people" who struggle. I really hope that, when you guys decide to try again, you get to be one of "those people" who get pregnant easily the second time.
ReplyDeleteOh, and Cheeks is just adorable. Can't believe he's so big!
Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this. I hadn't thought much about how TTC# 2 would be so different from TTC# 1. I hope that you are able to get some good information from your REs and come up with a game plan that both you and your DH are comfortable with! Best of luck. :-)
ReplyDeleteMy RE wouldn't see me until Zachary was completely weaned. Strict Office policy...so you might have to wait until Cheeks is ready to give up the boob :) Z weaned at one year exactly, and then low and behold we got pregnant with #2 on our own! I'd give it a go if I were you before you get back into all that crazy monitoring, drug taking, etc. Good luck to you. Enjoy your breastfeeding while you still have it :)
ReplyDeleteYep, wrapping your mind around TTC #2 is a whole different ballgame. I think it's also different if you (like the 2 of us) were in the middle of IF treatments and yet also managed to get pregnant "the old fashioned way" because you don't know what treatments "will work" for you (never got that far) and yet you can't really put any faith in beating the (horrible, total shit odds) of getting it done "the old fashioned way" again. I feel like I'm back to square one in some ways that I didn't expect with regard to returning to IF treatments.
ReplyDeleteI completely get where you're coming from. I'm still in that blissful baby land and I'm still loving it. And I'm not going to wean until a year, because Smudgie and I are both enjoying breastfeeding. But I wish I didn't have that spectre of TTC doom hanging over my head. Still, I'm trying to just live in the moment and enjoy having this amazing baby right now. And I know that even if TTC #2 gets hard I can still cuddle him and heal my heart that way.
ReplyDeleteYeah, there's a definite treadmill effect with the whole RE scene. I hope when things start to accelerate that you're feeling good and strong and hopeful.
ReplyDeleteOh, man does this resonate with me. I feel much the same way, although considering we ended up conceiving "unnaturally" (that's tongue-in-cheek btw) I feel certain that we'll head back to the RE sooner rather than later once the baby itch returns. It's a strange feeling right now - to know that you want a baby but know that you don't quite want it just yet. I don't want to wean Sofi early just to do treatments out of fear that those treatments wouldn't work and I'd have done it "for nothing." It's just a mess, in a way, and the feelings really are so different this time around. All that being said (and with our original timeline for #2 still MONTHS away) I held a tiny newborn this weekend and my heart went pitter-patter...
ReplyDeletei'm right there with you on all of this! (and the 8 month photos are so so cute)
ReplyDeleteUgh - TTC #2! I definitely am not looking forward to that! Such different emotions when thinking about #2, but I hope it will come easy for you. It's so crazy, thinking about how you were convinced you needed an RE, and then you got your miracle baby. I hope this happens for you again.
ReplyDeleteCheeks is adorable - I love the 8 month update!!! (And thanks for your sweet comment on my blog...)