Mission: Motherhood

Happy Valentine's Day!

2012-02-14T22:28:00.001-06:00

Hubs and I aren't huge present giver make a big deal out of Valentine's Day people, but we do celebrate it. Usually we both get each other cards, I make a nicer than usual dinner, and hubs sends me flowers or chocolate covered strawberries (sometimes. Not every year).

This year, after chatting on Twitter with @thisispersonal, I decided we should make our own cards. It was fun and the cards were much more memorable and heartfelt than any other cards we've gotten each other in the past years. I should have known I was setting myself up for failure when I suggested this, hubs was a studio art major (as well as computer science) in college! What was I thinking?

hubs' card to me! So beautiful :-)

my card to him...not quite as gorgeous :-)

the back of my card to him. At least my handwriting was better?

It was fun, and I think it's a tradition we'll keep going for years to come. It will be awesome when Cheeks can participate and make his own cards for us.

Cheeks got Daddy a sort of card too:

Cheeks is finally over his cold and we had so much fun laughing and playing today! I am so in love with this little boy and his Dad. I spent the day, like every holiday this year, feeling so incredibly grateful and in awe of this experience.

LOVE him. So, so much.

Happy Valentine's Day, bloggie friends.

sick bebe = stir-crazy mama

2012-02-13T10:39:00.002-06:00

Oh, hi, friends. Sorry it's been a while since my last update. I've started a handful of posts in the past week, but haven't had the time, energy, or mental capacity to finish any of them. Cheeks has been sick for over a week now, but I think he's finally on the mend. He's had a runny nose, cough, congestion, and has been pretty cranky. He's also teething. His first front tooth popped through the gumline late last week and the other is juuuust below the surface. Poor guy is in pain, waking up multiple times a night because of coughing or achy gums. And mama is tired too.

This is his first real time being sick in his short life. We've been very lucky to make it to nearly nine months without a sickness, but this first time has been a challenge for me. I have no idea how to handle a sick baby. How do I know what's bothering him? If I should give him Tylonel / Orajel / Hyland's teething tablets? When to take him to the doctor? Am I even taking his temperature correctly? We made it through the past week by me just listening to him and giving him whatever it was he needed. Which for the majority of the week was to be held close and nursed when he was sleepy and held him through his naps. It was nice to cuddle with Cheeks, of course, but it is a challenge to have zero free time throughout the day to shower, clean, etc. I had to do everything while he's awake and he's a very mobile baby these days. The boy can crawl fast when he wants something and pulls up and gets into everything. It's amazing to watch how independent and acrobatic he's become but frightening and time-consuming as well.

Staying home all week and missing out on our usual social activities sucked. Tuesdays we go to a Mom's group held at a friend's house, Thursdays is a lactation support group / baby playtime, and Fridays we go to story time at the library. The other days are usually around the house with a few necessary errands (grocery, etc). I didn't realize how much I needed that social time for sanity's sake until we had nothing last week. By Friday evening I was going stir-crazy and of course my husband had to stay late at work and didn't get home until close to 9 pm. I was tired, looked like shit, was covered in snot, hungry (he was supposed to bring home dinner). Cheeks heard the garage door and crawled over so I picked him up (he would have been hit by the door) and held onto him while my hubby came in the door. I tried to hand him the excited baby (who was trying to crawl out of my arms to get to his daddy) as soon as he walked into the door. He snapped at me that I always throw the baby at him and can't he at least put his bag down first?

I was pissed but had no energy to even express why. So instead I gave him the Very Adult and Mature Silent Treatment and drank a beer. Thankfully, the weekend was enough to restore my sanity, hubs and I went out to dinner Saturday night (avec le bebe), got new iPhones {le bebe shattered my iPhone screen at dinner Saturday night, but luckily it was time for an upgrade anyways} Sunday and over to my ILs for dinner. It was definitely the recharge I needed after a long and draining week of baby wranglin'.

This week looks to be more of the same - it seems the same cold Cheeks had is making it through all of the babies at playgroup, so tomorrow's is cancelled. Hopefully Thursday Cheeks is good as new and we can go to the hospital group and library group. Friday hubs will be gone overnight at a work function, so I need to be sure to get some social time in at some point this week, lest I go crazy and give the Very Adult and Mature Silent Treatment again for a snappy comment again.

What a whiny and boooring post, sorry. Huge thank you to you if you made it this far. This is the hard part of being a SAHM, I think ~ the monotony, isolation, and Groundhog Day effect. I need to schedule in a bit more me time to break things up a bit. I did have a girls' night out a couple of weekends ago, which was fun and needs to happen more regularly as does date night.

Anyways, things are good. Cheeks is good. Just tired of winter and getting a bit cabin fever-y. hope to have more thought provoking, entertaining updates soon. Hope everyone is well. xo

CD 1 again; or, thoughts on TTC #2

2012-01-25T11:08:00.001-06:00

My second postpartum period showed up yesterday morning, making my first cycle back a respectable 30 days. I'm not sure if I ovulated or not, I usually could tell ovulation (even w/o OPKs and temping) by a bit of EWCM but saw none this cycle. My usual pre-Cheeks cycles were between 26-28 days, so I suppose this is a good sign of things getting back to {my old infertile} normal even with the wildcard breastfeeding hormones making things a bit off.

I'm happy to report than with cycle day one didn't come those old feelings of devastation. Of course I didn't expect to get pregnant this cycle, but I think trying to conceive #2 is going to a whole new ball game and I honestly don't know what to expect emotionally. It sucks that I'm counting on loss and heartbreak, I'm bracing myself for it. At the same time, it is great that I know we can conceive without assistance and even better that I know I can carry a baby to term. But...at the same time, it scares me that my husband will push for never going back to the RE {since we got nothing good - an ectopic and a miscarriage}and that I might go along with it. Instead we'll hope away our time, hoping that we get a miracle baby like Cheeks again until all my eggs are shit and find we're out of time. You know likely, at the "old" age 30 or something {I hope you all sense my sarcasm at 30 being old - but with my FSH reading at 26, I may be out of time at 30.}.

I thought about calling up the RE to request CD3 blood work, but quickly realized that would bring up a bunch of decisions that I'm not prepared to make. I'm not ready to wean now, Cheeks is not ready to be weaned now. He still very much craves the comfort of breastfeeding..in fact refuses the bottle until he's absolutely starving, so I'm trying to take my cues from him. I'm not ready to really start TTC now. I don't even know if we'll go back to the RE for help right away. That's a lot of time, effort, and money that I'm not quite ready to invest right away. I'm not even sure how reliable an FSH reading while breastfeeding would be. {Anyone know?} So, my thought is I need to email both my old RE and the RE I was prepared to switch to for advice on both how long I could wait and what they suggest for next steps. With this information, hopefully hubs and I can make an informed decision on what to do next. The other thing we could do is TTC on our own when Cheeks is one year to two years, and then go to the RE around May of 2013 if necessary.

I'm finding the emotions surrounding trying to conceive a second baby more complex than the first time around. I feel guilty or unworthy of getting pregnant again for wanting another child. I feel a different kind of motivation about it all because I desperately want Cheeks to have a sibling somewhat close in age to him. I'm calmer - there are so many more knowns, now ~ I know I am a mother, I know I can get pregnant, I know I can carry a baby, and I know what our issues are. I know we'll likely have trouble conceiving again. I know I have a higher chance than the average woman of having a miscarriage. I don't know how much pain or heartache we'll need to go through to get a second child, or if we'll be lucky enough to get there at all. I don't know how I'll be able to be a good mother and deal with IF treatments / a miscarriage / whatever the future holds for us. I don't want our quest for a second baby to get in the way of enjoying and loving our first who we are so, so lucky to have.

It's all so murky and complex, and I just don't know when I'll be able to board the crazy TTC train again. But I see it in the distance and it scares the sh*t out of me and excites me all at the same time. First step: email my old REs for info and see what they suggest.

8 months!

2012-01-23T14:38:00.000-06:00

My crawling, climbing, sweet boy,

You are eight months old!

Cheeks, at 8 months you:

*Weigh a bit over 23 lbs 4 oz. You wear 18 month clothes and a size 3 diaper.

*Eat mostly breast milk, but you are loving solids! You love oatmeal and all sorts of veggie and fruit purees. We tried to give you small, soft finger foods (like chopped banana), and you don't seem ready to pick it up and gum it yet.
*You crawl, climb, stand while holding onto things, walk while holding onto Mom's hands. Pull up to a stand on everything and try to climb up everything. It's been a fun month! We finally got the gate at the top of the stairs up, and you've started climbing up the stairs already. I didn't expect you to get so mobile so fast. Time for more gates!

*You have two bottom teeth! I can see your top gums getting more swollen , so I think at least one top tooth will show up before you're nine months. You bit me a couple of times while breastfeeding (owwwwww, it seriously hurts like hell), but we're trucking on!

*Laugh hysterically at the dog and smile your biggest smile when Daddy comes home from work.

*You're starting to experiment vocally more ~ you are doing more consonants (I even heard ma ma ma ma ma last night, though you have no idea what you said, I'm sure) and it's so much fun. You're so into talking, you're actually waking up multiple times a night just to babble some nights. It's adorable.

*You wave and are trying so hard to clap.

*Sleep has been off and on this month with getting teeth, travelling for both Christmas and New Year's. It's always a work in progress.

Love you so, so much!
your mama

2011 in review

2012-01-05T09:46:00.001-06:00

1. What did you do in 2011 that you'd never done before?
Had a baby, became a mom. Breastfed a baby for 7+ months (and counting.)

2. Did you keep your 2011 resolutions, and will you make more next year?
I'm not big on resolutions and I didn't make any last year.
This year I do have a few personal goals:
~workout / run more (do 1 or 2 5Ks, at least)
~focus on doing something for me, projects that will expand my skills (considering taking a web design class?)
~make time for hubs and I.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
It seems like everyone did. My sister. A neighbor. My SILs SIL and friend. My SIL's SIL's SIL and friend. Many good blog friends!

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Thankfully, no.

5. What countries did you visit?
We didn't make it out of the country this year. The furthest we went this year was our baby moon in Hilton Head, SC / Savannah, GA.

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?
Travel! I have a million places I want to go, but not sure where we'll make it to.

7. What dates from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory and why?
May 19 - Cheeks' bday
Aug 14 - Cheeks' baptism
Aug 19 - our 5 yr anniversary
Oct 24 - birth of my niece

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Having a baby, successfully breastfeeding him, and being a pretty good mom (I think...I hope...).

9. What was your biggest failure?
Not making enough time for my husband.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
No, just recovering from the c-section but besides that it was a pretty healthy year.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
A crib!

12. Where did most of your money go?
Hospital bills

13. What did you get really excited about?
After years of struggling, delivering a healthy baby :-)

14. What song will always remind you of 2011?
Country Girl ~ Luke Bryan
Sexy and I Know It & Party Rock Anthem ~ LMFAO
Someone Like You ~ Adele

15. Compared to this time last year, are you:
-Happier or sadder? SO much happier!
-thinner or fatter? Thinner, but it's all moved around.
-Richer or poorer? Poorer, but hopefully it's up from here.!

16. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Spending time with the husband, focusing on each other more.

17. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Stressing while pregnant.

18. How did you spend Christmas?
Christmas day was at home with Cheeks and hubs. Christmas morning I made quiche, we opened gifts and just enjoyed each other.

19. What was your favorite TV program?
Modern Family, How I Met Your Mother, True Blood. I can't pick a winner...

20. What were your favorite books of the year?
I didn't read much...but I did enjoy "Sing it Home" by Jodi Picoult.

21. What was your favorite music from this year?
Adele

22. What were your favorite films of the year?
Apparently all the movies I thought I saw in 2011 were really from 2010. So the only two movies I saw from 2011 (how is this possible?) are:
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
And Moneyball.

23. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
May 21 - 28 - I was in the hospital with my new baby boy. My Mama brought me cake :-)

24. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
A maid.

25. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?
Ha. I don't know that I've ever had a personal fashion concept. Is this a normal thing? The beginning of the year was anything that would fit over my giant belleh, the second half was all about ease of boob access. But I did get a cute pair of grey riding boots at the end of the year - the only thing that I'm pretty excited about wearing.

26. What kept you sane?
Blogging and Mom's groups.

27. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011.
Waiting and struggling to get something makes finally achieving it that much more amazing, surreal, and enjoyable.

TVT - holiday edition

2011-12-29T10:21:00.001-06:00

Hey there friends! I am sure not many people are out there reading since most are on vacation, but I had a second, so thought I'd write today.

*If you haven't yet, please go offer some support to Many Many Moons.

*Christmas was all kinds of wonderful. My heart was so full and so grateful, I rocked my little guy longer than I should have Christmas night and kissed his sweet Cheeks too many times and cried big ole tears into his jammies. Best. Christmas. Ever.

*While I got to spend my first Christmas as a mama with my little man, I couldn't stop thinking about my fellow IFers who are still waiting for their little ones. The holidays are so hard when you're waiting to become a parent...another Christmas and New Year's that you thought would be so much different than the last.To all those still waiting for their miracles, I hope with everything I've got that you will get to experience this happiness in 2012.

*I got one present I didn't ask for and wasn't expecting on Christmas morning - the arrival of old Auntie Flo. I have had some spotting post-partum, but this was the first true period I've had since Cheeks. Blergh. I didn't miss tampons, pads or thinking about my not-so-reproductive bits.

*DH, Cheeks, and I are heading up north to Minnesota for New Year's at DH's grandparents with hubs' 'rents. We'll likely be spending New Years' Eve in the guest room at DH's grandparents' retirement community. I just made whatever NYE plans you have sound a whole lot better. You're welcome. Also, not looking forward to the 8 hour drive, but I am looking forward to seeing DH's Dad's side of the family.

*Hubs got a Roku for Christmas from his mom. He is addicted to that thing and spends every moment he's not at work messing with it and trying to find new channels. It's cute but also annoying. I wish I could just leave him with his new toy for an entire weekend so he could get this out of his system.

Hope you all had a good Christmas and have a great New Year's Eve!

7 months

2011-12-27T13:17:00.000-06:00

My sweet Cheeks,

You are seven months old! (Well, on December 19th you were!)

Cheeks, at 7 months you:

*Weigh a bit over 22 lbs. You wear a mix of size 12 month and 18 month clothes and a size 3 diaper.
*Eat mostly breast milk, but you are really into solids these days. You love oatmeal, green beans, peaches, and sweet potatoes and like most of the other things we've given you. You don't like the one meat selection we've given you, chicken with brown rice, but we'll keep on trying.
*I'd say you're crawling, you are a mobile little guy, but you're not a huge fan. You're suddenly into climbing up onto everything. It's scary for me, but I let you climb do your thing within reason so you can learn.
*I see a bit of white of your first tooth popping through your gums on your top teeth! I think it will be quickly followed by a bottom tooth and I hope they get here soon {but at the same time, not, because it makes my nipples hurt just thinking about being bitten}.
*You just had your first big boy bath alone in the tub sitting up today! You loved not being squished into the tiny infant tub any more and splashing your toys around.
*Love feeling things and scratching your fingers on things.
*You're still into screeching and razzing and have a new found love of pulling mommy's hair.
*You love playing peek a boo with daddy and you love laughing and climbing on our doggie.
*Sleep has been much, much better this month! We're usually getting at least 5 hour stretches overnight and maybe one wake up. You go down easily at 8, usually wake around 11 or 12 for a dream feed, then back down until around 7. So glad we're all getting some more sleep around here!

Love you,
your mama

Reflections on pregnancy and loss

2011-12-15T17:18:00.000-06:00

I picked up a book at the library for some r&r reading during the holidays and decided on Jodi Picoult's new book, "Sing You Home." I read the first 30 some pages last night...and it was devastatingly sad. If you haven't heard {and fair warning that I will ruin the first 30 pages for you if you read on...and also NEVER read this book while pregnant}, the book has an IF theme. The protagonist, Zoe, after years of trying and multiple IVF cycles and miscarriages, is finally 28 weeks pregnant. Then at her baby shower, Zoe feels a feels a gush - and sees blood.

Zoe delivers a baby boy stillborn at 28 weeks.

I simultaneously couldn't put the book down and wanted to throw it across the room. I read just before going to sleep, which was a terrible idea. The plot line sent my mind down an IF and loss rabbit hole - I couldn't stop thinking about my friends who have lost babies similar to how Zoe did, I couldn't stop thinking about how lucky I was to have a healthy 7 month old sleeping soundly just down the hall.

It also brought back all of my anxieties and fears I had when I was pregnant. I know I talked a lot about fears of losing the pregnancy while I was pregnant, particularly early on, but I couldn't write about how relieved I felt after having Cheeks. I was too ashamed of my feelings. I was so thankful that it was over and there was a baby in my arms - the great relief I felt that I could see and touch and feel my baby breathe and know that he was ok. Relieved that he was here and healthy.

I was glad not to pregnant any more, it truly felt like a giant weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Pregnancy made me face my doubt in my own body daily. Every minute of every day I had to trust that it was supporting another life and this life was okay. I didn't realize that I was figuratively holding my breath, waiting for something to go wrong, but I let out a giant exhale when I came home with a healthy baby boy.

I hope this all isn't coming across the wrong way, please know that I am so thankful and know how lucky I am to have experience a successful pregnancy. To feel a baby kicking inside of me...it was amazing. But as much as I hate to admit it, it was difficult for me. As a person who is very worry-free in most of her regular life, pregnancy after loss and infertility was a challenge. I tried to stay logical and know that the odds were in my favor of a healthy baby, but the kick counting, watching what I ate, only sleeping in certain positions, became tiresome. I have never been too concerned about food I ate or what I did until I was pregnant with Cheeks. Worrying doesn't suit me well. Right after he was born, I knew it wouldn't be a good idea for me to get pregnant again right away. I didn't take any precautions, but I knew that my head and my body needed some recovery time.

After having Cheeks and watching him grow, I couldn't help but be ashamed at how scared I was during his pregnancy. I wish I could have been more carefree, I wish I could have let go of my neurosis a bit and just enjoy every second of the precious time I carried him in my womb..who knows if I'll get to do it again. I look at my son, this big, healthy, thriving boy, and it is so easy for me to trust in him that he's healthy and I was a silly woman for worrying for a second.

So, lately I've been thinking I could handle getting pregnant again. Right around when Cheeks was 6 months, I thought, I'm ready. I could handle it. I'm not ready to wean and get back in the TTC ring, but I've healed from whatever post-traumatic stress was going from the ectopic, the infertility battle, the miscarriage, and physically from the pregnancy that I could do it again.

Then I opened that book last night, and read about the horrific loss at 28 weeks. Then today, a friend at a Mom's group I go to is currently experiencing her second post-partum miscarriage - her daughter is one hour older then Cheeks. It just opened those old feelings again - reminded me of how difficult it all can be. How much can go wrong and how it could rip open my heart once again, how fragile it all is.

There's no telling how the journey to #2 will go for us. I'd like to think that it would be easier, but no one knows what the future holds. I don't know what the right end to this post is, my plan hasn't changed. I guess if anything recent events have reminded myself of my own journey and heartaches, and made me realize that I wasn't just crazy during my pregnancy. I think I was trying to tell myself since Cheeks was born that what I went through was really not that big of a deal and I shouldn't have had such a hard time. It was and is a coping mechanism to facing wanting another child. There were real fears going on and while a subsequent pregnancy or even TTC journey would be different, I'm still vulnerable. It probably will hurt like hell, it probably won't be easy the second time around. But it feels good to remind myself: I wasn't just some sort of crazy person the first time, I went through some seriously hard shit. I need to own that and be proud that I made it through the battle, beautiful son in my arms. Maybe I'll handle it all better the next time, maybe I won't. Things will be totally different.

But you know what? I did ok the first time. I am happy and healthy, my marriage is going well, and my son is a happy, growing boy. I should be proud of myself, not ashamed of my fears and anxiety during pregnancy. I got through it and whatever comes next in this journey to our family, I will get through it too. {we probably won't start TTC until May 2012. I have yet to have a post-partum period due to breast-feeding}

Cheeks Video

2011-12-09T09:38:00.000-06:00

It's been pretty quiet on this blog lately, so I thought I'd post a video of Cheeks in all his scooting, hands n knees rocking, Christmas tree shaking, and pounding on boxes glory. Hope you all enjoy! {And apologies for my brief cameo in my jammies.}

6 months

2011-11-29T21:42:00.002-06:00

Oh my little boy,

You are already half a year old. It's crazy how fast half a year has gone with year, half a year of breastfeeding you, hugging you and kissing you far too much, sleepless nights, and half of year of daily perfect moments. {Every day there's a moment that i want to freeze in time, when you're just so sweet, when you're looking me right in the eye and cooing, or laughing hysterically...}. It's going so fast.

Cheeks, at 6 months you:

*Weigh 22 lbs 1 oz, are 29 inches long. You wear size 12 months in clothes and a size 3 diaper. You're still above the 95 percentile in both height and weight. Your head is 17 1/2 inches, in the 75th percentile.
*Eat mostly breast milk, but we have started you on some solids. You're showing more and more interest in them and like peaches, pears, apples, and mangoes so far. You also like to nibble on rice rusks.
*You're still working on crawling. You get up on hands and knees and rock back and forth a lot, which is new. You also love to roll over and over. You're pretty good at scooting yourself around army-crawl style.
*You're sitting unassisted very well now until you get really excited about something and fall over.
*Love feeling things and scratching your fingers on things.
*You're starting to pull up on things. Like the coffee table and your crib (which we just lowered).
*Fake coughing is still the bee's knees, but you also love screeeching. It's kind of adorable, but not so cool when you do it at church!
*Your belly laughing continues and you seem to get in a funny mood 1/day where you just laugh and laugh. Love it.
*Sleep is very on and off and we're experimenting with sleep training and hope we find something that gets us all a lot more sleep soon.

Love you,
your mama

Thought Vomit Thursday

2011-11-10T10:37:00.000-06:00

Ahh, yes, time for another edition of TVT!! I have no idea what I'm going to write about, but hopefully there's something going on in my brain to share...let's see...

I'm hosting Thanksgiving for my family this year! I'm excited and a bit nervous as this will be my first time. My Dad is bringing up a turkey fryer and hubs is smoking a ham in our smoker, so most of the big things that I would be nervous about I've delegated. {I'm such a wonderful hostess..} Also, it's nice that since we're frying the turkey the oven is wide open for other goodies, like rolls, pumpkin pie, and stuffing. :-)
In light of people coming to stay at our house (my fam all has a 4 hr drive up and will be staying a night or two in our little townhouse), I've been in a decorating and cleaning mood. In the last two days, I've painted our half bath and our master bath. We've lived here for 5 years, it's pathetic it took me this long. But, it's amazing how much better they look with a bit of color: A few pics of the half bath:
(ahem...please ignore the girl you see in the mirror. She did not receive a makeover.)
wall art from Target
ahh. le comode. hopefully one people will now enjoy hanging out on now.
I still need to finish up the master bath decor, I want to paint a few paintings for it. It's the same goldish color and I'm thinking of a fleur de lis, french feel. We'll see. After that, the next project is our master bedroom. It's too big for me to tackle during nap time..
I mentioned this briefly in my last post, but my sister had a 7 pound 3 ounce baby girl about 2 1/2 weeks ago. She was about ten days overdue and was induced. Of course, unlike me, induction went well and super fast for her and she had a vaginal delivery before noon. She ended up getting an epidural (that she didn't want) but was so thankful that she did in the end. Cheeks and I were at the hospital in the morning during her labor and I massaged her back during contractions, stayed with her while the epidural was placed (her hubby is afraid of needles), but we left the room during while she pushed (for all of three contractions). Damn. I wish that was my birth story. Anyways, I have a sweet little niece and she is adorable. She also shares my middle name which warms my heart and also makes me feel like a horrible person given my initial reaction to the pregnancy.
Speaking of birth, I'm thinking a vaginal delivery didn't work out for me because Cheeks' head was all wonky. Looking through pics just after the birth, his head was coning on the side, not the top. I would post a pic, but it's before he was cleaned up and well, y'all may not want to see the goop and his, err, goodies. My thought is it would be very difficult to get a 9 lb 5 oz baby out when his head isn't straight down. I really think I was / am capable of delivering a baby (even one as big as Cheeks) vaginally. I hope I have another chance to try someday....and with that, I'm making peace with this old body again. You know, until the battle with secondary infertility begins....(what's the countdown on that? 6 months? le sigh).
I stepped on the scale last night. I'm up approximately 3 pounds from pre-Cheeks weight. So close. Wahoo!! But, the giant poochy belly remains. Guess I need to lose another 10-15 pounds.
Hubs, Cheeks, and I are headed to Indiana this weekend for a big football game. It was this game 6 years ago when C asked me to marry him. I love this time of year :-)
And I shall leave you with a picture of my sweet boy:

Sitting up all on his own. Go Cheeks :-)

Ramblings on motherhood

2011-11-02T17:54:00.000-05:00

I struggle to write about being a Mom in this space, a blog I've had for nearly 3 years now. I poured out my aching heart here for years without many hesitations or second thoughts during my infertility journey, I always had so much going on in my head, so much hurt / grief / happiness to write about and multiple blog posts bouncing around in my head. But now, the thing that alluded me for so long, my baby is here and I'm having a hard time finding my blogging mojo.

I want to keep blogging, I want to remember this time as it is. The sweet smell of my freshly-washed baby after a morning bath, the sound of his infectious deep-belly giggles as I pretend to eat his fingers, and even the distinctly sweet smell of breast-milk baby poop that somehow isn't unpleasant. The hours I've spent holding my little boy to my breast, his fingers wrapped around my mine as he eats. More recently, him clawing at my bra strap and kicking my sides as he simultaneously feeds and plays. Me struggling to hold him at parties as he tries to climb up me - and it's all I can do keep him from flailing himself off of me.

It hit me suddenly as a my sister held her new baby girl last week, I hardly remember what it was like to hold Cheeks and care for him when he was so tiny. It feels like he was just that small and also like it was eons ago. He's definitely not a newborn anymore. He's still a baby, but not for much longer. Before I know it, he'll be walking, talking, and running and I'll be watching him, mouth gaping open, still amazed that he's mine.

It's all gone so fast and furiously. I tried to soak up every second of that newborn stage and suddenly he changed. Suddenly, I'm watching him half-crawl around the house, roll over and over across the dining room, do things that I'm not prepared for him to do: pick up everything, attempt to chew on wires, etc, etc.

I've decided that I'll probably never really know what I'm doing when it comes to motherhood or parenting. I get into a routine and think it works, then Cheeks child grows, changes, surprises me and I start all over again. It's fun, it's exhausting, boring and mundane, and ever changing. It's amazing so far and I'm not even 6 months in. I know parenting a toddler, child, or a teenager will be much, much different but I can't imagine a time when I'll feel like I know exactly what I'm doing or that my parenting choices are right. {It seemed my parents knew what they were doing, though, so perhaps I'm wrong?}

Yesterday, I sobbed into my 5 month old's son's hoodie for the millionth time, still in disbelief that he exists. I feel so lucky and so grateful to be his mama. I guess that's where I'm at right now, still in awe of this whole experience, fumbling through each turn, and trying to enjoy every second.

5 months

2011-10-27T18:19:00.002-05:00

My sweet little boy,

You are five months old!

Cheeks, at 5 months you:

*Weigh a bit over 20 lbs. You wear size 12 months in clothes and a size 3 diaper.
*I'm still waiting to start solids with you until 6 months or until you seem ready, but you're starting to seem interested in food more. You tried to take a bite of my pizza the other day.
*You can roll both back to tummy and tummy to back now. You also get up on your knees and push up of the floor with your arms. You're pretty good at scooting yourself around somehow - but it's not proper crawling yet. You can sit up for a bit by yourself before falling over.You can also pike - get up on your toes and elbows with your stomach off the ground.
*You are great at grabbing things now ~ toys, faces, the dog, etc.
*Fake coughing and razzing are you most favoritest things evaaa. And feet, too.
*You have the most infectious belly laugh I've ever heard when you get tickled. It melts my heart.
*Sleep is very on and off with you. Some nights I get nice 7 hr stretches, then the next night I'm up four times. Let's work on that, okay? :-)

Love you so much!

xo,
Your mama

Thought vomit Thursday

2011-10-13T09:56:00.001-05:00

*It's my husband's birthday today. I was a nice wife and bought him a set of adjustable dumbbells he's been wanting for his P.90xing (with his own money...errr, our money that still feels like his...more on that later..). I was expecting them to cost around $200..but no, these things are expensive. Closer to $500. So since we're on a budget, I did some haggling yesterday and saved us about $50. I looked vicious I'm sure, sporting the bebe in my Ergo and running back n forth between two sporting goods stores. Hmm, maybe desperation is more like it. Ahh, well. Glad I saved us some cash at least.

*I love pumpkin spice lattes. Who doesn't? But, with them being $4 and all you can't buy that stuff when you're on a budget. So, I invented the poor, lazy, skinny girl alternative: dunkin donuts pumpkin spice coffee + two splenda + skim milk + whipped cream. Yum. Or if you're more adventurous, you could try what I'm sure is far superior and make your own pumpkin syrup a la Jenn and Tonica. Either way: YUM! I love fall.

*Speaking of fall, the hubs and I took our little big man to the pumpkin patch on Saturday. We had a lot of fun taking pictures with giant pumpkins, going through the corn maze, and riding out to the pumpkin patch. The place we went was a bit over the top - they charged $10 admission and had giraffes and tigers on display, a magic show, and a pumpkin eating (mechanical) dinosaur. Maybe I'm a little old fashioned or cheap, but I just wanted a simple wagon out to the pumpkin patch - this all seemed a bit too commercialized. I'll go to the zoo if I want to see giraffes, you know? I don't want to see them in a 20x20 cage, that just makes me feel awful for them. Anyways, we had a great time. A few photos:

*It's been a full year since I quit my job. Crazy that we have been living off of one income for a full year and that I've been home without my super stressful job for a YEAR. And I still have dreams on occasion about the job and the stress, which just proves to me I made the right decision when I quit. I'm so, so lucky to be home with Cheeks. But since he's been home and the hospital bills have been rolling in, things have been a little tighter on money. Okay TIGHT. I'll admit it, there have been a few pay periods where we've dipped into our savings account to make it to the next paycheck. Which never happened for us while I was working. We're lucky to have a bit of a cushion to fall back on, but we need to be adding to savings, not diminishing it. Anyways, this all made hubs kick it into high gear looking for a new job. He had one job offer that was the same as his current pay, turned that one down, and just got another one on Monday at a fast growing company with more pay, but with benefits and bonuses, works out to be about the same as his current job. He's trying to play hardball with them now to get the salary up a bit, but it looks like he's going to take it. I'm simultaneously excited for him, proud of him and scared of the change when our whole family hinges on his job and income. {Sidenote: new job has IF coverage! That I hope we don't need to use...}

*Being a stay at home Mom is great, but I must admit I still struggle with depending on my husband for money. I have a hard time spending any money but the necessities and budgeting stresses me out. I try to get the best deals, but man I feel like I spend way too much money on just groceries. And clothes for the little man (even though I stocked up on clothes from a children's resale and rarely buy things that are not on sale). I'm still struggling to get back into my old wardrobe, I have one pair of jeans that fit. One pair. I need to shop, but I just can't bring myself to go. I know if I start, it will be a spree that we can't afford and/or I will have a horrible time finding anything that fits my bigger butt when I already had a hell of time getting pants to fit the ass. It's depressing. Anyways, first class problems, I know, I know. But, one pair of jeans just doesn't cut it when you have a baby and all the err bodily fluids that go with em.

*It's my sister's due date and no sign whatsoever of baby making an appearance. She's not dilating at all. {Hmm, who does that sound like???} Her OB will let her go to 42 weeks at the latest so she's just riding it out until then, hoping the baby makes an appearance on his or her own. It's silly but a tiny part of me hopes that labor doesn't go super easy for her. I feel like a horrible sister for thinking that for a split second before mentally taking it back and editing my wishes (mentally) that she has an easy textbook, drug-free vaginal delivery. Apparently I'm still struggling with the fact that my own labor was difficult, never progressed, and I ended up with c-section. I need to move past it, I am proud of my body that breastfeeding has gone well, Cheeks is doing great, and my body did great during pregnancy. I have a healthy baby, why do I feel stabby pangs of jealousy when I watch a baby story on TLC of women in their badassness having babies the good old fashioned way?

Wow, that was a whole lotta vom. Thanks for reading if you made it to the end. Time to go cuddle Cheeks who just woke up from a quick nap in his swing. Happy Thursday, friends.

Four months!

2011-10-06T10:41:00.000-05:00

Dear Cheeks,

hmm. Mr Elephant appears to be shrinking.

You are four months old! (and a couple of weeks since Mommy is really late posting this update). At your four month check-up you weighed in at a whopping 19 pounds 3 ounces and are 27.5 inches long! You are still above the 95th percentile for both weight and height. The doc said at your appointment this month a good guesstimate for your adult height is somewhere between your Daddy's height (5'8) and my "guy" height (6'3 - my height + 5 inches), but likely in the middle (around 6'). I don't quite buy this logic as genetics definitely aren't that simple and my family certainly didn't follow this logic (we are all much taller than our parents), but a good guess I suppose.

You are still in 9 month clothing (hooray!! longest you've been in any one size so far...) and size three diapers.You are almost to long for your car seat already (the max height is 30 inches) so I need to start looking into getting you a convertible car seat. You're still getting breast-milk only and don't seem to have any desire to start solid foods yet. I've tried getting a banana or other foods near your mouth and you are uninterested. We'll wait until you show interest to introduce other foods and you're growing great on breast-milk only, so the doctor is good with this plan! You eat every four hours or so.

You love tummy time, nekked baby time, baths, being tickled, your adventure gym, giggling, blowing raspberries, your feet and rolling over (still only back to front). You're not a huge fan of bedtime, nap time, and sleeping through the night any more (boo.). Your personality has developed so much and you're becoming your own little person. You wake up a happy boy every morning and I'm so excited to start each new day with you.

4 months old!

drooly tummy time

Playing on your adventure mat

Hanging out w mama

Dancing with mommy and Daddy

Feet!! Best. Toys. Ever!

All smiles!

All dressed up for Uncle K's wedding!

Love you,
Your mama

Breastfeeding and the Little Island of Denial

2011-09-29T18:13:00.000-05:00

Ahh, breast-feeding - I feel like it's been such smooth sailing for us. I feel so lucky that it seems to be the one thing my body has accomplished without issue (so far). Sure in the early days, I had to grit my teeth to get through the initial latch, my nipples hurt like hell in the shower, and I was petrified that my baby wasn't gaining enough, but he did. He's doing great breastfeeding, gaining like a champ (19 pounds 3 ounces at his four month appointment) still and we're both enjoying it.

I haven't decided on a goal with breastfeeding Cheeks. I've tossed around ages in my head, 6 months, a year, but I haven't set a goal. I've realized that's for a few reasons: one, I don't want to fail at whatever goal I set and beat myself up about it, and two, I don't want to think about what happens when I'm done breastfeeding Cheeks. That means I really have to start thinking about number two and I'm not ready to do that yet. I don't want to think about going back to the fertility clinic or getting my FSH or AMH re-tested. I don't want to think about how each month my eggs get older and fewer and my crappy FSH of 11 could be even shittier.

I don't want to think about the fact that Cheeks might not have a sibling. I don't want to think about how much it would hurt to try again and fail again month after month, or have another loss. I'm currently living in the land of denial and I don't want to think about it ever ending. I like this place where I'm not on the TTC roller coaster. I like that I can feel (almost) totally happy for others at their ease of having babies. I don't ever want to leave this comfy little island, so perhaps I'll keep breastfeeding indefinitely.

Then infertility won't ever have to hurt so badly again, right?

I applaud Oak who weaned Mac and faced TTC head on again so quickly (and got a BFP!!!!). I'm afraid I don't have the balls. I'm still licking my wounds over here, unsure if I'll never be ready to jump into the ring again. Cheeks has healed me in so many ways, but I know those IF wounds are still there, just beneath the surface. A new fight would tear off the fresh skin that's there and pour on fresh salt.

Thankfully, I still have time to hang here. It's okay for maybe 8 more months to live on this little happy island. Hopefully with more time will come perspective, healing, strength, and the wisdom to know what path we should take. (Adoption? TTC on our own? Straight back to the IF clinic?) In the meantime, I get to enjoy every minute with this little man.

I think I like Denial.

{And, if any of you have opinions / info on when to wean, please feel free to comment on that too}

Getting my groove back

2011-09-21T10:50:00.000-05:00

Cheeks turned 4 months old on Monday, holy crap, that went fast! I'm slowly getting my body back.

Breastfeeding helps a lot, I think, as does the couch to 5K workouts I've been doing. I'm on week 5 of a 10 week program that a local sports store puts on and I'm feeling stronger every week. We're to running 8 minutes / walking 2 minutes x 3 for a total of 30 minutes this week and increase the amount of time we're running each week. We meet on Mondays to do the new workout as a group, then you're supposed to do the same workout 2x on your own that week. It's great to have some accountability for getting back into shape and an attainable goal to reach at the end. I'm starting to look around for 5ks to run in my area in early November.

I feel good and I'm finally w/in 10 pounds of my pre-pregnancy weight. I got back into my old fat jeans a couple of weeks ago. I was so excited that something in my huge closet of old clothes fit me as fall is fast approaching. Especially since I was unable to pull up this particular pair of jeans past my thighs at 6 weeks postpartum. But, then last week I sat down while wearing said jeans and heard a RIP. I split the inside of the right thigh of my fat jeans.

Oh, the shame.

The number on the scale is a bit misleading, I think. Because although all but 5-10 pounds of the weight I gained remains, I still can't wear 90% of the clothes in my closet. My ribs are still expanded, my boobs are still bigger (and yes, still very lopsided) and apparently so are my thighs. I used to have a small waist and big hips which I totally made peace with and could wear a-line dresses that were 2 or 3 sizes smaller than my pants size - size 8 or 10 dresses, but cannot zip or even come close to zipping those dresses now. It's really not that big of deal to be bigger - so, so worth it, obviously - but it's the clothes that are killing me. I need to either lose the weight or buy a whole new wardrobe. Which we don't have the $ for. And it is frustrating and maddening to have a huge closet of clothing that you can't wear.

I bought three huge rubber maid storage tubs but haven't had the time or energy to sort through my entire old wardrobe to find out what fits. It's such a daunting, depressing job. I know what I need to do: three piles: clothes to donate, clothes to store, clothes that actually fit and should remain in my closet. Then, come up with a list of necessities I need to purchase to prepare for colder weather.

I've been fantasizing that Stacy and Clinton from What not to Wear will come rescue me from my closet with one of their magic $5000 gift cards and help me sort through the madness. I could use a new haircut and makeup, too. Le sigh. I'd so much rather spend my money (or let's be honest here, my husband's money) on dressing my little man.

The good news is I feel good, stronger, and healthier now that I'm focusing on myself a bit each week. Running and exercising make for a much happier Al :-)

Mothers of Miracles?

2011-09-12T09:13:00.002-05:00

Hey all! sorry for the silence on the blog. I really want to post much more than Cheeks' monthly updates here, but the lack of sleep since the little man started rolling over and the TOOTH that's coming in now has been keeping me busy and scatterbrained. Yes a tooth at three and a half months! Thankfully the last two nights he's slept for 7+ hours and I'm starting to feel human again. And also like someone that can form a coherent thought.

Things have been good and busy! The big wedding weekend is over and we all had a great time.

baby in a suit!

We closed on our refinancing on Friday (yea!). My sister's baby shower is next weekend, so I'm doing last minute details on that, but I have a ton of help. I still feel the occasional pang of jealousy that she hasn't been married a year yet and she's having a baby, no problem, easy peasy, but mostly I'm just really excited for her and can't wait to meet this new little guy or girl.

Now that it's fall, I keep reflecting on last year, the trip to Idaho where Cheeks was conceived, my first unfulfilled due date, my sister's bachelorette party and wedding, and finding out that I was pregnant again and all the excitement and fear and happiness that went along with it. I wish I could go back to last year's Al and tell her not to be afraid, this time it would all work out. This time it's going to go right and heal my broken heart...this time I would get the sweetest son at the end of the pregnancy. What an amazing year.

Anyways, back to the point of this post. I went to a children's toys and clothing resale at a local county fairgrounds on Saturday. I scored a lot of great stuff for cheap for Cheeks (who is in 9 mo clothes now and in need of 12 months clothing, he's well over 18 pounds now!), but that's not the interesting part. The resale was put on by a few different area mother's groups and held at a local county fairgrounds. The mother's groups have dues, meet every so often, and put on these resales to raise money in support of charities and sometimes scholarships.

Which got me thinking, wouldn't it be awesome to start up a group for IF moms, perhaps called Mothers of Miracles? Moms who have dealt with IF and are now moms from whatever avenue (be it treatments, adoption, surrogacy, donor gametes, etc) could meet, support each other, and then with funds gathered perhaps give money to those who need it to build their families. Instead of a scholarship, money to help with adoption or treatments? It all got me really excited that I could give back to this community. It's all just a rough idea, but I think I'm going to go to the library, read up on non-profits, and maybe email the local groups to see if they would help me get started. If any of you guys have any ideas on how this could work, please email me! I have no experience working with / in non-profits so any help or advice would be greatly appreciated. I also would like it to be bigger than just a local Chicago-land group, but I only the business model I'm thinking is only sustainable locally. I guess there would have to be separate groups per locale, all with the same goal. Anyways, just brainstorming and really excited about a way to help others now that I'm on the other side.

Hope you all are well and I can catch up on your blogs this week.

Three months!

2011-08-29T11:31:00.001-05:00

Dear cheeks,

My sweet and adorable little boy, you are three months old already! Your three month birthday also happened to be your Mom and Dad's fifth wedding anniversary, so we had quite the day last Friday. We went to get your three month pictures taken and your Dad and I went out for a nice dinner and a bit of football while you had a night with grandma and grandpa.

{A few pics from our date night:

hmm, should I have the whole bottle or just half? Quite the conundrum...

hubs and I at the colts game celebrating 5 years of marriage!

anyways, back to you...}

This is the first month we didn't go to the doctor so I don't know how long you are, but I do know you weigh over 17 pounds, wear size 3 diapers (when we use disposables), and wear 6-9 month clothes. It's crazy how fast you've grown. I can hardly even remember what it felt like to hold you when you were a newborn.

This month you've learned so much new stuff. You giggle, grin, babble, and grab onto objects. You can roll over back to front. You have started trying to put everything into your mouth and drooling much more.

We also got you baptized this month:

You're such a chill, happy little dude and you bring us and your aunts, uncles, and grandparents so much joy every day. I love being your Mom :-)

All my love,
Your mama

What I'm up to

2011-08-11T15:40:00.001-05:00

Hey there, just wanted to write a quick post to update you all on what I've been up to lately:

Planning Cheek's baptism party. Our little man is getting baptized this Sunday. All 3 of my siblings, their significant others, and my parents are coming into town to stay with us Saturday night. The baptism is Sunday morning and we're having a party at my in-law's house afterwards with lunch, cake, and drinks.
Planning my sister's baby shower. I was sort of hoping someone else would step in and take the reins on this one, since I'm four hours away and taking care of a brand new baby and umm, that whole infertility thing, but no such luck. I do have some help from co-hosts, so that's nice but frustrating at times. It's been difficult to focus on researching ideas in between naptimes while prepping the house for the company and getting things ready for the baptism party, but it will get done and be great party. I just hope none of my IF demons rear their ugly heads during it.
Refinancing our mortgage. We're getting a better percentage rate (YAY!) but it's taking a bit of time getting all the necessary paperwork ready. Annnnd....they need my social security card..which I can't seem to find anywhere.. it's driving me insane and I've been going through all of our paperwork / files, etc looking for it. I know I have the soc security card, my birth certificate, and our marriage certificate all together somewhere in you know, that one very important spot that I can't find. Argh. I don't even know where else to look at this point.
Taking care of Cheeks. He's doing great! He is 12 weeks today and weighed in at 16 pounds 8 ounces today. He's gabbing so much and just found his hands and starting batting and grabbing at things within the last week.
Getting ready for my BIL's wedding on labor day weekend! Bachelorette party is this Saturday night (which I am going to, the night before my kid's baptism, should be interesting...), bridal shower, moving my BIL into his new place. All exciting and time consuming stuff.
Meeting up with other IF bloggers. In recent weeks: lunch with A from the Baby Race, playdate with Erin and her beautiful girls, and dinner out with Miss Ohkay and IVFandMe. I'm lucky to be able to meet up with blog friends IRL.

Hopefully I'll get a real post up at some time soon. {One without bullet points...}

2 months!

2011-07-22T14:29:00.000-05:00

Dear Cheeks,

You are two months old now!! You are a sweet, cuddly, big boy!!

Daddy holding you at your two month appointment

~You weigh 15 pounds 6 ounces and are 25.5 inches long at two months old! You're above the 95th percentile for both height and weight. You're a big, healthy guy. The doctor says that you could average out by two or keep being a bit bigger than other kids your age by then, which would mean you'll end up being a big, tall guy. We're excited to see who you become and who you look like :-)

~You're already in 6 month clothes and you're almost too long for them. I'm so happy you're growing, but it is bittersweet to put away your 0-3 month clothes and it gives the illusion that time is going even faster than it is. I'm having a hard time knowing what sizes to buy you, especially for special events. {You're going to your Uncle K's and future Aunt J's wedding over labor day weekend and I have no idea what size to buy. Even if it's too big, I know you'll look great}

~You are a big smiler now. We get lots of smiles in the morning. I sometimes pump and put you in your swing, where you watch the birdie friends on the mobile and grin like crazy at them. You also loved smiling at your Auntie E last week when she would talk to you and squeeze your sweet cheeks. Your daddy and I get lots of smiles too, if we hold you close and talk to you.

~You love to babble and kick about. I hope to video tape you soon so you can see what your baby voice sounded like and all the fun coos you make. You also mimic me when I hold you close and make clicking noises with my tongue, I see you moving your tongue up and down too. It is amazing to interact with you like that.

~You really like tummy time. You're great at holding your head up now and looking around and seem to be getting stronger and holding it up longer every week. You kick your legs and move your arms a lot, getting your muscles ready for crawling.

~You {usually} sleep a solid 6-7 hours through the night. Your Daddy gives you a bottle around 9:30 and puts you to bed around 10. You usually wake up to eat again around 4:30 and I get up to feed you and put you back to bed for another couple of hours. You've been doing really well with sleep overnight for the past month and usually go to sleep easily after we swaddle you tight.

~You nap in spurts throughout the day and are a pretty flexible little guy. You sleep well in your car seat and in the Moby wrap when I'm out and about running errands.

~I take you to a new mommy / lactation support group at the hospital every Thursday afternoon. It's fun to be with other new moms and babies and you love all the sounds there. I like to go to get questions answered from the lactation consultants and talk to the other moms about what to expect when. It will be more fun when you start interacting with the other babies and crawling around with the other babies.

I love you so, so much. I can't wait to see what next month brings!

All my love,
Your mama

The exciting and scary unknown

2011-07-13T11:02:00.001-05:00

I had my six week check up 2 weeks ago today and my doctor of course asked the question laughable to every infertile that was lucky enough to have a child and tried like hell & waited years for him or her:

"What do you plan on using for birth control?"

I chuckled. I knew this question was coming since they gave me a chart of methods of birth control and their effectiveness at my 34 week appointment. I even felt that piece of paper mocking me - as if I need drugs to prevent pregnancy - HA!

My ovaries appear to be quite effective at preventing pregnancy all on their own. Then even if I am lucky enough to get pregnant, my odds at actually having a baby after that seem to be quite low, between 20 and 33 percent depending on if you count my two brief (and unclear) chemical pregnancies. Much less than the 80% odds of the normal fertile female population. There's also the chance of a repeat ectopic pregnancy - I am at higher risk for another ectopic than women who haven't had one. If I am lucky enough to get pregnant again and I'm still breastfeeding and it's ectopic, a dose of methotrexate would definitely not be compatible with breastfeeding Cheeks and this in itself, along w having to suffer through another ectopic I fear would devastate me.

All of this to say - hubs and I looked at our history, the probabilities, weighed our options and determined that we would just see what happened. No birth control pills, no condoms, nada. The prospect of becoming pregnant again simultaneously scares the living shit out of me (miscarriage! ectopic! ahh!) and makes me excited (another baby! a sibling for Cheeks!).

I answered my doctor simply - "well, we were just planning to see what happened..."

I talked to my doctor at my postpartum appointment and technically I'm not supposed to get pregnant for six months after having a c-section to give the uterus time to heal. But she was fine with me not taking any precautions since I'm breastfeeding and given my history ~ she actually stated that if I get pregnant in the next six months it would be nothing short of a miracle. I sort of expected her to fight me on it - to push me to take BCPs or promise her to use condoms - but she was fine with just seeing what happened.

I know its possible for me to get pregnant without assistance - {I get to look at the most adorable living proof of that daily :-) } - but I really still can't believe that it happened. It baffles me that he's here and healthy and perfect. I am forever grateful.

So here I am, back into the vast, scary unknown. Having unprotected sex with my husband with no idea what the future holds. Only it's a bit stranger this time: I may or may not have my period in the next five months while breastfeeding, I may or may not ovulate while breastfeeding...I have no idea what cycle day I'm on and I'm not charting temps or even trying to conceive. Now I know that I can carry a pregnancy to term, I can get pregnant without assistance. I also know that it will likely be hard as hell for the stars to align and for the right egg to meet the right sperm again. {Did I mention that I still can't believe that it happened once?}

I'm not really ready to get pregnant again right now, in an ideal world I'd wait to have unprotected sex in May 2012, get pregnant almost immediately, and have children that were 19-24 months apart. But I don't dare hope or pretend that I have any control over what the future holds for our family. I've learned the lesson all too well that I'm not in control of this, I just hope I can handle and get through whatever comes our way.

I have a feeling that things will be so much different now that I have this little guy along for the ride:

Tales of ginorma-boob...

2011-07-07T09:52:00.001-05:00

and ginorma-boob jr.

It's a strange thing, being in a body that you barely recognize. I expected that during pregnancy {I expected to feel like my body was taken over by its new inhabitant}, but I didn't know what it would feel like postpartum. I see glimpses of my old body in this new body, but it still feels like it belongs to Cheeks and alien to me.

The boobs, for example: pre-pregnancy I was a 36 large C or small D. Then the titty fairy came to visit during pregnancy and I went up to a 38 DD. After the birth when my milk came in, she came back and my boobage ballooned into a ridiculous 40E. Not only are they huge and heavy, they're also terribly lopsided. My right boob is ENORMOUS and lefty is still huge but not quite as enormous. Since they're lopsided, my nipples are all awkward too, one's pointing down (righty) and lefty's pointing straight out. My areolas are the size of silver dollar pancakes and on the right side there's a bulging blue vein popping through the top. Veins also criss-cross the both boobs like a roadmap. They just feel strange to me, foreign. I was just fine with my Ds no need to explode into p.orno-like ginorma-boobs. I love that my boobs are helping my little man grow big and strong, but I can only imagine what they're gonna look like when they deflate. Oh - and there's the stretch marks. I expected to get stretch marks on my belly during pregnancy, but my boobs? I had no idea!! I have two stretch marks on each ginorma-boob on the top, and perhaps more on the bottom but I haven't lifted up the huge things to see in the mirror. I find them...comical, awkward, foreign, and cartoonish. Weird feeling like that about your chest, you know? {The hubs of course, says he doesn't mind them at all...I'm not sure if he's being honest or polite}

The rest of me is different too. My hips have widened and I have some extra chub leftover from pregnancy. None of my pre-pregnancy clothes fit yet, I'm still 15 pounds above pre-pregnancy weight, but that's not bad at all for the 50 pounds I gained. I can't wait to get to the gym and start getting my strength and endurance back - but I'm not quite sure how to fit that into my routine.

And seriously, what kind of bra will hold my ginorma-boobs in place well enough for me to run without giving myself a concussion?

All is going well with Cheeks! He's 7 weeks today and still growing like a weed. 14 pounds on the scale last Thursday. He's getting more and more interactive every day. I'm leaving him with my MIL for a few hours today to go to the dentist (yuck!), so hopefully that will go well and I'll start feeling more comfortable being away from him even if for short periods of time. I am loving being a Mom to this sweet, chubby little man :-)

Identity crisis

2011-06-30T18:50:00.000-05:00

Cheeks is 6 weeks old today! Things are going so fast, this baby is growing too fast, I just want to soak up every single second with him at this age. He's so cuddly and sweet right now. I've realized what people mean when they say "it goes so fast" lately - all the sudden the Cheeks needed size 2 diapers, 3-6 month clothes, and was sleeping 5-6 hour stretches at night in his crib. Whoa. Where did my lil newborn go?

~~~~

Since cheeks was 4 weeks, I've been taking him to a new mom meetup at the hospital where I delivered. It's very casual, a lactation consultant is present to answer any questions, but mostly its moms chatting about life and doing tummy time with their little ones. It's nice to get out of the house once a week, see babies of all different ages and give Cheeks some exposure to other babies (not that he interacts yet, but I think it's good for him to hear the other sounds). He also loves tummy time and happily babbles until he's hungry.

Our first visit there, my stomach dropped when one of the women asked if anyone else had any luck with sea bands for morning sickness. Her daughter was almost one, and here she is, pregnant again. My stomach dropped and I thought great, I'm in a room of uber fertiles and they're all going to talk about getting pregnant and gripe about being pregnant and when they're planning their next pregnancies.

Then the woman went on to explain that it was really difficult for her to get pregnant and she has PCOS and they would just see what happened with #2. Luckily, she dodged the fertility clinic for #2.

And I felt like the biggest presumptuous ass.

Then another woman commiserated with woman #1, saying that her daughter was an IVF baby. And I sat there, stunned. Out of the room of 8 woman - there were 3 infertiles.

And one that was too chicken shit to own up to it in front of everyone. Yep. Me.

It's not that I'm embarrassed or don't want to share my journey. I'm proud that I went through what I went through. I'm proud that I fought to have a baby, I want people to know that I waited so long, I went through a lot to have this beautiful baby boy. The problem is I don't have an easy way to explain what I went through.

I can't say "he's an IVF baby" or "he's an IUI baby." In the end, I conceived without assistance. After 2.5 years, lots of tears, losses, treatments, and a diagnosis of super crappy eggs. How can I explain it in simple terms that adequately express the struggle? How do I just mention it in the passing, small talk way without sounding like an idiot? I had the perfect opportunity and I clammed up like an idiot.

It's definitely going to take me some time to feel completely comfortable in this new role - infertile Mom.

One month!

2011-06-27T22:06:00.000-05:00

Dear Cheeks,

You are one month old now! I can't believe how quickly time has gone and how much you've changed in the past month.

We had your one month check up on Friday when you were five weeks and a day old. You were 13 pounds, 4 ounces and 24 inches long! You've done a lot of growing in one short month. You're already four pounds heavier than when you were born and two inches longer. You're in size two diapers and already have grown out of the size small gDiapers we bought and have been using. You're too long for all of the 0-3 month clothes. I'm amazed at how quickly you're growing and I'm having a hard time keeping up with how fast you're growing! It's great and it's scary how quickly it's all going.

snuggling with his elephant friend

You're a big healthy guy, the doctor said you look great! You're above the 95% percentile in both height and weight. We go to a Mommy and baby meeting at the hospital on Thursdays to do tummy time with the other babies and I'm amazed at how big you are compared to the other babies your age! Your Daddy and I can't wait to see if you're going to grow up to be big and tall like your uncles. I'm just happy you're growing, thriving, and healthy.

Your personality is developing more and more each day. You're smiling at us now (though only a few a day) and alert much more often. You love tummy time and are very vocal as you kick your legs and move your arms. You also love laying on your back on the floor. You kick and babble and move your arms and legs so much. I love watching you.

You're also focusing on us and responding. You're a happy boy much of the time and only get upset if you're hungry or over tired. I call you my hungry little monster sometimes when you're a little frustrated and start snorting while searching for food. You breastfeed most of the time, but get breast milk in a bottle from Daddy at bedtime now. I think he enjoys feeding you and your special time together each night.

I love breastfeeding you, stroking your sweet cheeks, holding your little hand, and listening to your suckling sounds.

I love being your Mommy. I'm amazed and so thankful that you're here and I can't even express how much joy you bring to your daddy, me, and our families. We love you so much!

mommy is tired but very happy :)

All my love forever and ever,
Your mama

Baby reality ~ week 5

2011-06-23T09:46:00.000-05:00

Ack.It's been forever since I last posted. I want to post much more often, but I'm having a hard time finding the time and energy (and to be honest, mental capacity) to post. I'm a bit disappointed in myself as I really want to document these first weeks with my little guy and how I'm feeling. But the most I can seem to muster up are bullet points, not the deep reflection of life with a newborn post infertility I'd like.

Baby L is just over a month old now! I plan to do another post about how he's doing after his one month check up tomorrow. I can tell you that he's already over 12 pounds ~ big boy ~ and he's getting more alert, stronger, and more interactive every day. I also decided to give him a new nickname for the blog - cheeks - so I don't have to abbreviate or put dots in the middle of his name to make IRL folks hard to find me. CGD suggested Cheeks because my lil guy has the most kissable, pinchable cheeks ever.

See?

About me. hmmm. Well, things are amazing, and okay and difficult. I'm getting the hang of this whole taking care of a baby thing while doing other things. Each day this week I've accomplished something - laundry Monday, grocery Tuesday, Target trip and a good dinner Wednesday, today will be Mommy and baby class at the hospital and the dentist. It's good to feel productive at the end of a day but I am just doing the minimum to help our little household survive at the moment.

The amazing, well taking care of Cheeks is great. I cannot get enough of snuggling this sweet little guy. He's interacting with me more and I've even gotten a few brief smiles this week which makes my heart absolutely burst with happiness. {I have tears in my eyes just writing about it.} The moments when he's alert and staring right at me for 10 minutes are just amazing. I looove tummy time when he's a happy guy making fun little noises or when he's on his back doing froggy kicks.

The bad...well...sleep. Sweet cheeks looooves to be held and sleeps like a total angel in my arms. The moment I put him down he starts crying. We had two good nights in the past week where we put him down in his crib and he slept for four hours straight. Unfortunately, those are the exception. Last night, C got cheeks to sleep, put him down in his crib and he slept for all of 10 minutes before starting to cry. Then I got him back to sleep and he was up 10 minutes later. Then C got him back to sleep. And over and over again. Finally, I brought him into our room, nursed him for the 20th time and put him in the bassinet. He woke up many more times over night, would nurse for maaaybe a minute and drift back off. He just sleeps better when we're holding him, but it's not safe to hold him all night. Each night is an adventure. He's not a fussy baby, he'll be crying and stop as soon as you pick him up. He just wants to be held.

Besides sleep, I'm struggling to find myself in this new role a bit. I look in the mirror and feel pretty blah, I'm still up 15-20 pounds from pre-pregnancy weight, my hair is a mess, and I haven't gone anywhere without cheeks since we've been home from the hospital. Thing is, part of me can't bear the thought of leaving him for an hour, but I know I need to. I've started pumping after feedings a few times a day to start to build a freezer stash and so C can give cheeks a bedtime bottle. So far things are going well, he takes the bottle and goes back to breast without issue. {I'm still afraid he'll get frustrated with the breast and start to prefer the smoother/ faster flow of the bottle, but so far so good.}. Hopefully sometime within the next couple of weeks I can venture out of the house for an hour for some me time....I would love, love, love, a massage! Or a haircut. Or a pedicure. Ahh!

Getting Cheeks to take a bottle means C and I can have date night date sometime soon, which I think we desperately need. Things aren't bad between us, he's doing his best to help with cheeks when he gets home from work, I just feel disconnected from him. I think I'm just so tired I don't have the energy to put anything into our relationship or even come up with some sort of meaningful dinner conversation and I feel really bad about that. He often doesn't get home from work til close to 7:30 pm so we have maybe an hour and a half together before it's bedtime. And there's the whole issue of my 6 week post partum appointment next week ~ I know hubs is excited for me to be released from the no sex restrictions, but I just can't really see myself having the energy for sex. Hopefully I'll feel differently next week, but right now I just feel meh about the prospect of intimacy with my husband which makes me feel like a frigid, unloving bitch.

{Hmm. can't really end the post talking about how I'm a frigid bitch...}

Have you seen this sweet baby?

I love him. He's so worth it.

{I feel I need to add a disclaimer to every post now..I feel like a total ass about posting about anything that sounds like complaining or hardships about having a baby when so many are still waiting for their miracles. I'm trying to be realistic about my journey and I hope it doesn't make me sound ungrateful. I am still amazed he's here. I'm still praying and hoping and thinking of everyone still waiting.}

3 weeks in

2011-06-13T19:12:00.000-05:00

First, I have to send out a big ole apology to all of my blogger friends ~ judging by the 421 unread items in my Google Reader, I am very behind on blog reading and don't know how or when I'll be able to catch up. I haven't forgotten about any of you, I'm still rooting for everyone no matter where you all are in your journeys, I just haven't figured out how to blog or read blogs while caring for my sweet baby boy. Or shower or..make dinner. {Case in point, it's nearly three pm and I haven't even brushed my teeth.} I hope this doesn't sound like complaining, I'm loving every minute and enjoying taking care of lil Lu.ke, but I haven't quite figured out how to get things done while mothering...need to learn to multi-task.

I just found a way to type one handed while breastfeeding - and actually paid bills online this morning. More productive than I've been in three weeks :-). I was reading the womanly art of breastfeeding - LLL's book - and it said that one of the authors wrote most of her book while breastfeeding. Ummm, I'm sorry, but HOW?!!?

Anyways..things are going pretty well. Baby Lu.ke is a pretty easy going baby for the most part, he seems to really only cry when he's hungry. And sometimes he doesn't want to be put down. Pick him up - perfectly content. Put him down and he starts wailing. The moby wrap helps a ton so I can make dinner, but it takes time to get tied properly and sometimes wearing the Moby just doesn't work.

Breastfeeding: I've been pleasantly surprised at how well things are going so far. L is a good latcher and our breastfeeding sessions aren't painful and are even enjoyable most of the time. During the good sessions, I love stroking his sweet chubby cheeks or slipping my finger into his tiny fist. I love that I can soothe my baby so well with the breast and how relaxed and calm he becomes after nursing for a while. I hate the times his arms are flailing and he scratches the hell out of my boob. Or when he'll nurse for all of two minutes before passing out, then wakes up 5 minutes later crying and wanting to eat again. But, for the most part I've been pleasantly surprised at how smoothly things are going and how well he seems to be gaining. I was prepared for so many issues when it came to trying to breastfeed and I know it's still early, but I feel really lucky that all seems to be well. I'll feel even better to hear from the pediatrician that his weight looks great at his one month appointment next Friday. I'm sort of amazed that something on my body is working properly...no issues so far.

The body: I've lost another 5 pounds or so. I'm slowly seeing hints of my old body, but my old pants don't fit. Like, I can't even get them past my thighs. I bought a pair of jean capris two sizes bigger at Targ.et to get me through until things are more back to normal. It's not a big problem, it's just frustrating to have such a limited waredrobe - I don't want to buy too much for this new size because I don't know if I'm going to continue to lose weight with breastfeeding. oh well!

Sleep: there are good nights, okay nights, and bad nights. One night last week L went a whole 5 hours without waking up and it felt amazing!! Most nights I finally get him down around midnight then I'm up to feed him every 2-3 hours - usually around 3 and 6. And again at 8:30-9. I'm tired but not completely exhausted like the early weeks. My Mom came to help out last week which was so nice to have her help around the house, this is the first full week with just the babe and I home alone.

Well, I've got to go attempt to make dinner. I hope to catch up with everyone at some point this week.

Here's a couple of photos of my little boss man:

I love him to pieces. <3

the good, bad, and the ugly of c-section recovery

2011-06-01T17:21:00.000-05:00

The recovery from a c-section that happened nearly two weeks ago has been easier than I expected in general but harder than I expected in others. For the most part, I've felt good and been up and around since noon of the day post surgery. Yesterday, I took a walk up to the front of the neighborhood with C, the dog, and the baby. I stopped taking pain killers on Sunday, I don't seem to need them anymore. I'm trying not to push myself too much, but I'm mentally so ready to be back to 100% and start getting back to normal activity (taking only one flight of stairs a day in our 3 story townhouse is horrible). I'm not ready for C to go back to work next week, but I'm ready to start getting into a routine and figuring out how life will be with little Luke.

The good:

In tact va jay jay! Just looking at this kid's head and imagining it exiting from my nether regions makes my girly bits hurt. I'm hoping this means se.x in four weeks with the hubs will be as nice as it always has been.
Instead of staples or stitches, my incision was closed with glue which will minimize the scarring.

The bad:

The scar above my bikini line.
The numbness at the incision site.
Pain in my abs when trying to get up from bed, etc. This has gotten much better and the tugging / pulling sensation on the sides of my incision are hardly noticeable now.
Some emotional / baby blue issues last week that seemed to peak on Friday, but have really seemed to let up this week.

The ugly:

Attempting going #2. I thought that because I didn't have any stitches down under, I would have no issues going to the bathroom. Oooh, no, definitely not so. having gas or passing gas was painful - apparently all action in your bowels stops during labor and you get all backed up. I think it was 4 days post c that I had my first bowel movement and they have been hard and painful and umm, EPIC- so difficult that I've had some rectal bleeding because these large craps are messing up my inflamed bowels. It's not so painful now and things are definitely improved by taking col.ace, but this has been the worst part of recovery for me. I can't imagine dealing with this and stitches down there. OUCH!
Any births after this one will likely be another c-section. And I missed out on the experience of actively being involved in my son's birth.

Weight loss has been interesting ~ the day I got home I was only down like 5 pounds. Then for the next few days, each time I stepped on the scale I was down another 5 pounds as the swelling and water weight started coming off. Now I'm down 30 pounds but still have another 20 pounds to go and my extra pudgy thighs and stomach are making me ache to get back out and exercising but my body isn't healed up enough yet. Baby steps.

Taking care of Luke has been going well. He's eating like a champ and the boobs are producing (yay, body!). Some nights are great (like the five hour stretch of sleep we got last night) some are really challenging (cluster feeding every hour from 10-3 am, not fun). But overall, we're all doing well and are so happy and in love with the newest member of our family.

Birth Story

2011-05-29T21:28:00.000-05:00

Wednesday night, May 18th, C and I packed up the car for the hospital and headed out for a nice big Italian dinner for a last meal. We ate at Biaggi's and I had salad, spaghetti and meatballs, and chocolate cake for dessert. It reminded me of high school spaghetti dinners the night before a basketball game. It was delicious and the hope was that it would give me carbs to last through the next day when they likely wouldn't allow me food.

We checked into the hospital right at 7:30, where the nurse took us straight to our labor and delivery room - the biggest and nicest on the floor because our neighbor works as a nurse in L&D! So nice of her! {Luckily the neighbor was not our nurse at any point during the stay, that would be awkward}. After running through a long series of questions about medical history, pregnancy history {I was amazed at the number of times during the hospital stay I had to tell the nurses about my previous losses and history of infertility}, an IV was put in and with fluids and the cervidil was placed around 9 pm. Cervidil is a suppository with a tail so they can remove the medicine if things aren't going right. After the medicine was in, I wasn't allowed to use the bathroom for 2 hours so it would have less of a chance of falling out. The cervidil caused me to have pretty much constant contractions throughout the night that weren't painful, but just bad enough to keep me awake for the night. The nurse was also in every hour to take my vitals (blood pressure, pulse, temperature). There were a few points during the night when the baby's heart rate would drop during one of my incredibly long contrax - at around three am the nurse decided that with the baby's heart decels and my uterus contracting way too much, it was time to remove the cervidil to give both the ute and the baby a break. C and I finally got some rest after the medicine was removed - though it was difficult especially with the monitor and heartrate machine going all night.

The doctor dropped by to check me around 9 am - I was maaaaaybe 1.5 cm and 50% effaced. Some progress, but not very promising news to start off the day. They started the pitocin drip then, but cautioned me that if the baby's heartrate shows decelerations again, we may end up with an emergency c-section. Because of that, I wasn't allowed to eat anything. I had contractions through the morning but they weren't always regular and they weren't painful. They started me at one and continued to bump up the dose throughout the day. Around 12:30, they checked again, I was maybe 2 cm dilated and 75% effaced. They broke my water and hoped that would really start things going.

I continued to labor throughout the afternoon and while I could feel the contrax, they weren't regular or painful and the nurse said I was in a "dysfunctional" labor pattern. I would have maybe 3 good contrax in a row, then nothing for a 5-10 min, then they would start again. Since I had the IV in, the fetal heart and contraction monitor bands on, I couldn't move too much, but I spent quite a bit of time on my feet, swaying trying to let gravity help move things along. By around 4 pm, we were at the maximum dosage of pitocin (20 - I'm not sure what the unit of measure is) that they allow w/o an internal monitor to measure the pressure of the contractions. I was feeling the contractions more, but they were manageable by breathing through them. Baby's heartrate looked great all during this time, no decels that they were worried about so I was allowed a lovely liquid dinner of chicken broth, jello and juice.

So, 4 pm, getting close to 24 hours in the hospital and still only 2.5 cm dilated. I was getting pretty frustrated and feeling like my body was failing me. Since I was on the max dose of pitocin, they had to place an internal monitor in and at that point I wasn't able to get up to use the bathroom, cope with contractions, nothing. Then they started really jacking up the pitocin on me - from 20 to 30. The pain definitely started kicking in at this point. At first I was able to breath through them when the pit was only at 22 or so and with C massaging my back, but as time went on and they started getting really intense. It wouldn't have been so bad if I had been able to move around, stretch my back, etc, but I was only allowed to stay on my side, in bed. C was trying to help me cope by massaging my back through the contractions while I breathed through them, which definitely helped for the first couple of hours or so, but around 8 pm things got way too intense for me to deal with. They checked me again and I was still THE SAME. All of those contractions, pain, the highest dose of pit, etc, and NO PROGRESS.

I kind of lost it at that point. I was so frustrated that nothing was happening in all the hours of labor. Nothing at all, I felt like a c-section was on the horizon for us but I kept hoping that something would suddenly help things progress really quickly. I was also starting to be in so much pain and I wasn't sure how much longer I would be able to take it. I asked about the epidural - I wanted to do my best to avoid it - but clearly going sans epi was getting me nowhere, too. The nurse and the doctor decided that the epidural would be best, it may help me to relax and can sometimes actually help labor along for some women if they're fighting the contractions.

Around 8 pm the epidural was placed (along with a catheter) and it was so nice to be out of pain. It was great to watch the contraction monitor going up and not be writhing on the bed in pain. The whole atmosphere of the room changed, C was able to relax a bit because I didn't need him kneading the crap out of my back to help me through the contraction. The contractions were still just meh - they were powerful, but not necessarily regular. A few good contractions, followed by nothing. By the internal monitor, the nurse said that the power of the contractions was adequate but I still wasn't in a great labor pattern.

My family and C's family were in and out of the delivery room at this time and earlier in the day too, but I kicked them out when things were getting really intense around 6 pm. It was nice to hang out and chat with the family while the contractions came and went. Those few hours were nice and I was hoping that because I was so relaxed, things were moving along for me too. The nurse rotated me from right side to left side every half hour to help move the baby into position. The epidural caused my blood pressure to get too low (top # was in the 80s) so they had to give me another med to help bring it back.

At this point, the contractions were the most regular they had been all day, they had dropped the pitocin back to 15 and started slowly increasing it back up to 30 to see if a lower dose would help things along more. at 11 pm, the doctor came back to check me - and I was maybe 3 cm and 80%. Yea.

NO PROGRESS.

The doctor gave us a choice at this point - she would allow me to try to labor for a couple of hours longer {though she didn't think things would start progressing}, or we could go ahead and do a c-section. The baby was showing some signs of distress, but it wasn't an emergency situation at this point though she didn't want to wait until it was. At this point, I felt we had done everything possible to get this to happen vaginally and something was preventing the baby from descending as it should. Was it too big? A cord issue? A bad position? I didn't know, I just knew something wasn't working right and it wasn't going to change with two more hours labor. We decided to go ahead and do the c-section around 11:10 and before I knew it, I was being shaved, prepped and wheeled down to the operating room.

Everything moved so quickly at this point it's hard to remember all the details. Hubs and I were separated while I was transferred onto the operating table and my epidural topped off. The divider was put up, my arms were strapped down and the operation was starting with C by my head before I knew it. I could feel tugging, pulling, etc, but I didn't know what was going on. the doctors didn't provide a play by play either so I had no clue what was going on. I started shaking at some point during the operation - apparently a common effect of the epi - and it was crazy to be in the room but unable to see or know what was going on, I felt like I was there for the birth, but not really.

After what felt like forever, I heard them say "It's a boy!" and the first cries of my little man. I found out later from C that they tried to pull him out first, then had to use a vacuum to get him out. He also had a sideways cone head from the 24 hours of contractions so it was unlikely with that angle that he would be able to get out. I was crying and I could see tears in C's eyes too. Then "it's a big boy! 9 pounds, 5 oz, 22 inches!" It was absolute torture to not be able to hold or see him and make sure he was ok right away. C left my side to cut the cord and I was left, splayed out on the table as they sewed my ute and glued my skin back together. Finally, C brought our little boy over to me and he was the cutest thing but I felt so disconnected from him since I couldn't touch or hold or nurse him. C put the baby next to my head and the little guy latched right on to my nose...oh the tears.

The operating room started to clear out. C left with baby boy to go to the nursery and watch him get cleaned up and tell the family the news. I was left getting stitched up, no one talked to me and I had no idea how much longer I had to lay there away from my son. I was crying on the table, alone, shaking, just waiting for my chance to see my little guy. Finally I was stitched up, epidural removed, and I was moved into a recovery room while the nurse wrote up a report. I was given a medication to stop the shaking. After what seemed like an hour (though I have no idea how long it really was) C came into the room with baby boy (still unnamed at this point...) and they told me he was doing great, his Apgar scores were 9-9-9. They let me nurse him and he latched on like a champ..and then started to turn blue. He forgot to breathe and I couldn't do anything because my body was still numb from the boobs down. The nurse snatched him up and patted his back to get him to breathe again, but it was absolutely horrible and terrifying. They took him away again to stay the night in the special care nursery for observation to make sure he didn't have any more breathing episodes.

This was horrible - my baby is finally here after all this waiting and they took him away from me. I couldn't hold him or cuddle him, I didn't even know if he was okay or if I had done something wrong when I tried to feed him the first time. I know this one night is no comparison to what so many women go through with their children in the NICU for extended periods of time, but it felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest and i couldn't be whole again until we were reunited. We were transferred to our new room in the mother and baby unit - it was around 2:30 in the morning at this point - to try to get some sleep. They placed these thick straps on my calves to prevent blood clots that squeezed them every few minutes.The machine was a bit noisy and I was worried about my baby, but we got a bit of sleep from 4-6 or so. At 7, I asked C to go down to the nursery to check on our baby since I was still bedridden (catheter still in place, legs still funny).

C came back from the nursery and said baby boy was doing well, but we had to wait for the ped to get in to release him officially. C and I talked about names and decided on the name Luke Gab.riel out of our list of 6 or so boys names. Gab.riel is my Dad's middle name and I like that he's carrying on a little bit of my family as well as C's last name. The ped came in around 9 am and told us that our baby boy looked great and he must have just had an issue with transitioning that one time, but he had no more breathing issues over night and he looked 100% healthy. Huge sigh of relief. I was still afraid to nurse at this point, but the doctor assured me it wasn't nursing him that caused the issue, it would have happened regardless.

Finally, we were reunited with our beautiful baby boy, Luke Gabr.iel!

Luke may not have arrived when we wanted him to, or how we wanted him to, but now that he's none of that seems to matter. He's here and he's healthy and he makes our lives so much brighter.

Quick update

2011-05-26T17:30:00.000-05:00

Thank you all so much for the congratulations and celebrating the arrival of baby Luke! I am so in love with this little guy and I still can't believe that this adorable little guy is my SON. I cry just typing the words from happiness and awe (and hormones, too).

We were released from the hospital Sunday afternoon and it's been both challenging and relaxing to be home. Sunday and Monday night were both exhausting - Luke was cluster feeding and also blowing out diapers, then hungry again. He didn't sleep until 3 am or so. Tuesday night was much better, feedings were further apart and he slept for 2-3 hour stretches overnight. Wednesday night was awesome, he went 3 hours between feedings. A little angel baby :-)

Breastfeeding is going much better than I expected. Luke has a great latch, but I am having issues with him staying awake on the breast long enough to get a good feeding. My milk is in though and Luke is already climbing back up to his birth weight (9 pounds 2 oz at the doctor's office Tuesday). I was so relieved to see that he's gaining and all of my equipment is working.

I'm recovering well from the c-section and C has been great about helping take care of me and Luke. We've also had family bring us dinners which has helped too. It does hurt to get up from bed, but I've been taking pain meds to help with that.

I'm still working on the birth story, I hope to post it by the end of the week. In the meantime, here are a few photos of the little man:

I can't believe he's mine. I love him so, so much.

He's here!!!

2011-05-20T08:08:00.001-05:00

After many hours of labor and very little progress, Luke Gab.riel {last name} arrived via c-section at 11:51 pm May 19, 2011.

9 pounds 5 ounces
22 inches long

C and I are absolutely in love and over the moon happy and in awe of this little man.

Love.

Fears at 39 weeks

2011-05-18T14:21:00.000-05:00

{I had to write this post and be true the fears that took me by surprise last night. Please know that I am absolutely thrilled to be 39 weeks pregnant and I am so, so thankful. I know that odds are very, VERY good that things are going to go perfectly tomorrow and I am focusing on that.}

I sobbed into my husband's chest for a good half hour last night.

I'm happier than ever, but I am scared shitless too. I feel like I'm at the top of a cliff, overlooking the most beautiful valley I've ever seen, this place I've been trying to get to for THREE YEARS and I'm finally so close I can almost reach out and grab it. It seems like it's just a mirage that it's right there, way to good to be true to happen to me, you know?

Apparently I'm petrified that something horrible is going to happen during delivery and there won't be the beautiful, chubby baby to take home and cuddle.

Hubs tried to comfort me by saying that no matter what happens, we will survive, the two of us. And while I know that's true and it is some comfort, I'm tired of being the survivor. The girl with the sad stories that has to pick up the pieces and be strong. I want to bring happiness. I want to bring a child into this world that will bring smiles to people's faces, that will bring joy to the family.

Don't think that I sit around thinking about how my baby might not make it into this world - I truly do my best to put the very worst case scenario out of my mind. I don't read stories of still birth, late term loss, etc for fear of what it will do to my psyche. But the fear, as much as I try to push it to the very back of my mind, and as much as I try to visualize the happy, MUCH more likely scenario, it's still there.

That's just what infertility and loss do to you. Knowing that horrible things that only happen to small percentage of people (eg, an ectopic pregnancy, multiple losses) can (and have) happen to you makes trusting that good things are headed your way so much more difficult.

But here I am, thrilled, baffled and in complete disbelief that I'm THIRTY-NINE weeks pregnant and anticipating the birth of my baby tomorrow. Last night I feel like all those fears I've been trying to keep out of my mind, all the fears that I've had through this pregnancy and have been staying strong through just exploded. My emotions are as rickety as a house built of cards. I'm going to be a mess tomorrow.

A happy, blubbering, mess of an infertile whose dreams finally come true after so much heartache.

:-)

Induction Decision

2011-05-17T11:30:00.000-05:00

After much thought and talking to C and people we know who are involved in labor and delivery and/or caring for babies, we decided to go with the earlier induction date of May 18th. Even though I wanted to avoid inducing, my number one goal is to avoid a c-section and given the estimated size of the baby and the fact that my body is pretty much showing no progress on its own, I think it's wise to go ahead with the induction at 39 weeks.

So, the plan for tomorrow:
-11:15 appointment and non stress test with OB
-7:30 pm check in at labor and delivery to start cervidil and stay overnight to be monitored

Depending on how quickly things progress, the pitocin probably won't be started until sometime Thursday morning after my cervix is all prepped and ready to go. I hope that things go quickly and the baby comes sometime Thursday morning / afternoon on May 19th. I am planning to take my laptop with me to the hospital and hope to do a quick post after the baby arrives, but I don't know how crazy it will be with visitors and trying to care for a newborn so I can't promise anything. I will hop on Twitter on my phone to provide updates (my profile is protected though, so request to follow me today or tomorrow so I can approve, @ababy4al).

I can't believe this - I'm nearly 39 weeks pregnant and just days away from meeting my baby! Please let this delivery go well and let us have a healthy baby on Thursday. I'm so happy, scared, anxious, excited, nervous...and thankful.

38 weeks update

2011-05-11T11:20:00.000-05:00

38 weeks yesterday!! I had an ultrasound bright n early at 8:30 am Wednesday morning and the baby looked great. Fluid level looked good, size was still measuring approx 3 weeks ahead (measuring about 41 weeks and around 9 pounds 2 ounces.). Right on target from where we were last time (measuring 37 weeks at 34 weeks). It was really hard to make out all of the parts on the screen (it's much blurrier when the baby is big), but we could see the baby breathing (taking practice breaths) and the chambers of the heart. All good news! The baby is head down, but lying on his or her side, facing my right side.

My blood pressure, urine, weight, etc all looked good, my cervix is "softer" but still only a finger tip dilated. My OB talked to hubs and I about our options - I can be induced on the 18th or the 25th, whichever I prefer. Obviously, there is a chance that I could go into labor all by myself and I'm doing everything I can to get things going (lots of walking, cleaning, eating spicy food, s.ex, labor cookies, evening primrose oil, acupressure points, any other tips?) but being only a finger tip dilated and seriously not even sure if I've ever felt a contraction it's not looking promising. She seemed to slightly prefer the earlier induction, but was straight with me when she said there wasn't a definite need to go a week earlier if I preferred. But she said in general, keeping the baby in longer makes her nervous given my hypothyroidism and history...and I "make her nervous." She said "I just want you to have a healthy, perfect baby after all you've been through." Which made me cry happy tears.

The induction is currently scheduled for the 18th at 7:30 pm, but I have an appointment earlier in the day to check my cervix and see if it's made any progress - at that point we can decide to cancel the induction and schedule one for the 25th. I'm on the fence about it ~ I really want to give my body the best chance at doing this on its own, but is waiting the extra week and having a bigger baby (10 pounds if these ultrasound estimates are correct!) going to make a c-section more likely? Or is it more likely if I try next week with a cervix that's not ready? It just doesn't seem like my body is making any progress on its own, so will waiting another week really give us a better chance of a safer delivery? Feel free to provide thoughts or feedback...

Either way, baby will be here within two weeks! I just hope he or she decides to come on its own sooner than next Wednesday :)

Mother's Day

2011-05-09T11:30:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, I thought of all of my IF sisters out there: whether you have your baby, are expecting, your baby(ies) are in heaven, or are still fighting like hell for your children, you deserve to be honored.

It was a weird day for me yesterday. It was very strange and awkward to be accepting "Happy Mother's Day" cards and flowers. It was strange to me that the neighbors shouted "Happy Mother's Day" to me while I was on our patio, that my sister called to tell me Happy Mother's Day and tell me what a wonderful Mother I will be. Because in so many ways, this year is a bit like last year. I was pregnant last year too. It was ectopic, the cells of my baby were fading in my fallopian tube, but I was pregnant with that baby and I was a mother to the baby I lost in January. And while of course I didn't want Mother's Day cards or to be celebrated last year, it doesn't feel right that I should get that this year.

This year has been easy. This year I have a kicking, hiccuping, alive baby thriving in my womb which has been a joy and an honor to carry these last nine months. It was last year that I felt the sacrifice and the heartache of trying to be a mother. It was last year that I fought like hell and ached for my children. Why now do I get recognition of that hard fought battle?

Of course, I know the answer and am so grateful to be where I am and be so close to having a living, breathing child that will call me Mom.

But I've been a Mom in my heart for three years.

To all of you out there still waiting and fighting like hell for your children, I honored you and thought of you all day yesterday. I hope that next year, you will be opening cards and awkwardly accepting flowers that you so deserve.

XO

37 weeks!!!

2011-05-04T16:52:00.000-05:00

Can you believe it? 37 weeks today. Baby should be big and strong enough by now to come any time if he or she decides to. But, it's not looking like that will happen any time soon. Last week I was maaaybe a finger tip dilated and today's doc (a different one than last week, I'm rotating to see all the docs in the practice before birth) said "honey, nothing's going on down there."

Bummer. I was really hoping I would be 1-2 cm by now and my bod would be showing some signs of progress. I'm not so lucky. I know things could change and very quickly, but I just don't feel like it's going to happen anytime soon I don't think I've felt a single contraction, even Braxton Hicks.

At my last appointment, my doctor mentioned inducting on May 19th if the baby hasn't come by then, which would be 39w1d. I'm not sure how I feel about that. On the one hand, I'm concerned about the size of the baby (by the 34 week u/s baby would be about 9 pounds by 38 weeks) and I'm well SO READY to meet this little one but I really don't want to get the baby out any earlier than it's ready. But, even if I say no to that, my doc will really put the pressure on for an induction on my due date (May 25) because of my hypothyroidism. Is it worth fighting with my doc for the extra six days?

Anyways, good news from today! Baby passed the non-stress test again without issue, my weight, blood pressure, urine, etc, all look good! It's so awesome and amazing to have made it to May - the month I've been hoping and praying we would get to for so long. I started tearing up in the exam room just thinking about it all - how far I've come and how amazing it is that I'm so close to meeting my baby. {eeeee!} I have another weekly appointment and an ultrasound next Wednesday morning to check the size of the baby again.

Come on out, little one! I'm so ready to meet you and know if you are a boy or a girl!

Maternity photos

2011-04-29T13:57:00.000-05:00

I finally got the disc with my maternity photos in them in the mail today!

Here are a few shots from our shoot nearly three weeks ago when I was 33w3d pregnant. It was a dreary and cold morning in Indiana and by the time the shoot was over my hair was totally soaked ~ she did a great job of making it look like we weren't sopping wet. The photographer is one of my sister's best friends who is just starting up her photography business and did the session at no charge to help build her portfolio - we are so lucky! {I did of course get her a gift card for her trouble and to say thanks!}

I am so glad to have these photos as a memory of such a miraculous time. Have a great weekend!

A to Z of TTC

2011-04-27T10:13:00.001-05:00

I just saw this on Josey's blog, and had to do it.

A. Age when you started TTC: 25

B. Baby Dancing or Sex: Sex, I don't think I've ever called it "BD" on the blog.

C. Children wanted: My answer pre-IF was 4, but now, man, I have no idea. At least 2 and thinking about #2 is very anxiety inducing.

D. Dogs/Cats/Fill in Children: One dog (Ben.tley). He's a 3 1/2 year old great dane. That's a lot of dog :-)

E. Essential Oils/Vitamins/Snake Oils: Vitamins: prenatals, dha, calcium, extra iron, extra folic acid (b/c of the methotrexate), and selenium (b/c of the thyroid antibodies)

F. Fertility Meds I’ve taken: Clomid (6 months total, 3 mos 50 mg, 3 mos 100mg), Ovidrel, Progesterone suppositories

G. Gain: I didn't weigh myself much, maybe 5 pounds while TTC?

H. HSG (Hystosalpingogram): All clear nearly 2 years ago, but maybe should redo it since the ectopic...?

I. Infertile Pet Peeves: oh you know, the whole "just relax" response to news that we're having problems.

J. Job title: SAHW, blogger extroidinaire, chef, housecleaner, dog walker...(yes, nothing that actually pays me at the moment :-) )

K. Kid’s names you’re afraid will be taken by the time you can use them: Andrew was one we really liked but won't be able to use.

L. Length of time TTC: 3 years next month.

M. Miscarriages: 1 confirmed, 2 possible chemicals (never confirmed by a doc and only faint + on HPTs), 1 ectopic pregnancy

N. Number of times you’ve switched OB/GYNS, REs, FSs: I've seen one OB and one RE for treatment, but was getting ready to switch to RE #2.

O. Ovarian quality: Meh, not so great. FSH is around 11 (elevated), AMH 2.1 (normal range). Antral count usually good. I think this all means my quantity is decent, but quality of eggs is crap.

P. POAS or wait for AF: I'm a wait for AF or beta girl usually. Might be different if I ever did IVF.

Q. Quote from an obnoxious fertile: oh so many, but from today on facebook "today is my due date...and i have an almost 3 week old baby! it's funny how life never works out how you expect." -- it must be rough when your life plan is freaking 3 weeks off of schedule. GAH.

S. Sperm: he can bust me out with his super sperm...(hahaha, love rapper's delight...)

T. Time you tried naturally: 19 months or so? It's hard to know now with all the breaks from the ectopic (when we were banned from sex) and the miscarriage

U. Uterus quality: Good, I think.

V. Vagina: ha, umm, i think the va jay jay is in working order.

W. What baby stuff do you already have?: well, erm, actually i have all the essentials now, but while still TTC just the onesies we bought to announce our first pregnancy.

X. X-tra X-tra Hear all about it! How many people know the ins and outs of our crazy TTC journey? most people that know me decently well know that TTC wasn't an easy road for us. Do they know all the ins and outs and ups and downs though? no, just the big stuff - that it was difficult, the losses, and that we sought treatment

Y. Yearly Exam (do you still go in even though someone sees your lady parts most months?): yep, the RE makes me.

Z. Zits: zit free, instead I have dry skin w/ pattern red blotchiness.

So now you’ve read mine. What are your IF A to Zs?

35w6d and feeling ready

2011-04-26T09:52:00.002-05:00

35 weeks 6 days.

Can you believe it?

I really can't. And I can. I feel like I've been pregnant forever and it's all passed in the blink of an eye at the same time. I'm tired of being pregnant in some respects - my feet are swollen and achy lately (I have no shoes that fit), sleep is getting more and more difficult, and I'm tired of the little bits of anxiety about being pregnant (is the baby kicking enough? does that contain soft cheese? Are the eggs/meat/whateva cooked thoroughly?!).

But, oh how I love those baby kicks. I know this could very well be the only time I'm pregnant. I'm trying to soak up every single minute that I can. I'm trying to make the most of these last weeks (or even week...I can't believe I can say that?!?!) pre-baby and make the most of it - date nights with hubs, shopping trips by myself. I might even splurge on a pedicure or massage this week.

I'm getting anxious for it to be over at the same time. I guess it's all the progress we've made at home lately: the car seat is installed, clothes / blankets etc all washed, bottles sterilized, cradle ready with clean linens, swing ready, pack n play set up. I'm feeling prepared as I'll ever be and just ready to meet this little one. I'm ready to finally know if I will have a son or a daughter and for him or her to arrive safely. I'm ready to be a Mom and make C a Dad...ahhh, I can't believe we're so close.

Of course it's best if baby stays in for at least a week and a day longer til 37 weeks. Thankfully, my OB will not induce until earliest 39 weeks despite the size of the baby (this is what I was hoping for!) and as of last Thursday, baby had moved from side lying to head down (yes!) and my cervix was starting to open (though still less than 1 cm dilated). All great news! I hope baby stays head down and decides to come on their own sometime after 37 weeks. I can't believe I'm getting so close.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's National Infertility Awareness Week!! Bloggers are busting myths about infertility this week. I'm working on a submission, but just a reminder for all of you to submit a post or read other bloggers' submissions this week.

Almost 35 week update

2011-04-19T14:40:00.001-05:00

wow, it's been a while since I've posted. A lot has happened in the past couple of weeks. One maternity photo session, two baby showers, three hospital classes, and lots of wonderful, thoughtful baby gifts, and thank you notes abound.

And the only thing that's really going through my head is holy crap, this is really happening. I'm living in a dreamland. I feel like I'm pretty much the luckiest girl in the world. I go to the breastfeeding class and the labor and delivery and halfway expect them to laugh me out of the room for not *really* being pregnant.

I had an ultrasound last Friday that showed a baby that's measuring approximately 3 weeks ahead {measuring 37w2d at 34w2d} and is already around 7 pounds 3 ounces. This was a bit of a shock - I know late in pregnancy the weight measurements can be off by as much as a pound in either direction, but even at 6 pounds 3 ounces, this kid is measuring large. The size actually prompted the tech to ask me whether or not I have gestational diabetes. {??!! I don't!} Anyways, this is all good news! the reason for the extra ultrasound was because of my hypothyroidism to make sure the baby is still growing just fine - and yes, he or she is growing GREAT in there. No cause for concern. Fluid level, size, placenta, everything looked good. The only not so good thing - baby was chilling out on his or her side not head down yet, so I hope they get readjusted on their own. I have an appointment on Thursday this week and hope to chat w/ the doctor on if the size means anything {I hope they won't push for an early induction} and how we can get baby into proper position.

I'm still waiting to get the digitals of my maternity photos in the mail, will post a few when I have them. I saw a few proofs online and they look like they turned out really well :-).

Besides walking around in a state of shock, I've been trying to get as prepared as possible for baby. Purchasing necessities we didn't get at the showers. Washing baby clothes. Putting away said baby clothes. It's crazy, surreal, awesome. I'm so so thankful and it crushes me to think that while I'm way up here on cloud 9 there are many of my friends are still waiting and hoping for their turn. I'm still here, hoping with you and cheering you on.

35 weeks tomorrow!

33 weeks: Random Updates

2011-04-06T15:55:00.002-05:00

~33 weeks today! only four weeks til full term. I really can't believe it. Doc's appt tomorrow and first weekly non-stress test on the baby. {The non stress test: basically they hook me up to the monitor and track the baby's heartbeat for a half hour or so to make sure there are no signs of distress. I'm a bit nervous for it, just b/c I've never had one before and I hope it doesn't show any issues. I want to keep baby inside for at least 4 more weeks!}

~Our dog Bent.ley finally got neutered on Monday!! We are thrilled C is now able to participate in PETA's "win a vasectomy" campaign! Obviously kidding about C participating...but, in all seriousness, if you haven't seen or heard about this campaign, PETA is giving away a free vasectomy "in honor" of National Infertility Awareness Week to anyone who had a dog fixed during the month of April. Which is absolutely absurd and disgusting and I hope no one participates. Not because they shouldn't be giving away a vasectomy but to do it in honor of NIAW is horrible. Keiko and Katie have both written great posts and letters to PETA telling them how horrible this is. To get involved, sign the petition and write PETA.

Back to the dog - Bents really did get neutered on Monday and has been sporting the lovely cone of shame ever since.

he loves it, can't you tell?!

After whining about the cone for a good two hours on Monday ~ he couldn't figure out how to walk with it on, would run into something, stand there and whine instead of backing up and trying again ~ he's finally gotten used to it and seems back to himself. The cone will come off after he gets the stitches out next Thursday. In the meantime, he's on restricted activity: I can only take him out to go to the bathroom, no walks. He can also still lick the stitches WITH the cone on, so I'm trying not to leave him alone too much so he leaves it alone and has time to heal up. He's on antibiotics 2x a day, pain pill 1x day, and I have to clean the stitches with peroxide and rub a cream on them 2x a day. It will be a relief when he's all back to normal. {Side note: I still need to tell the story about what has me really upset about the dog, but that will have to wait for another day. I just can't get into it right now.}

~I have my first baby shower in Indiana with my family and friends from back home on Saturday. My sis thinks about 30 people will be there. Which is awesome and scary and amazing. I have a feeling the whole thing will feel like an out of body experience. I'm really excited but also scared of how I'll react in that situation: I'm sure there will be tears at some point. {Note to self: wear waterproof mascara.} I also can't wait to get some stuff to actually put in the nursery, I feel completely unprepared right now and it's making me anxious!

~I'm getting maternity photos taken on Sunday by my sister's good friend. She just started her photography business recently and wants to take the photos at no charge to help build her portfolio. So sweet! I'll have to pick up a gift card or something for her time and effort. I will post a few on the blog when we get them back.

Still surreal: at 32 weeks

2011-04-01T10:33:00.001-05:00

I'm sorry I've been MIA. I tried to catch up on blog reading and commenting after vacation, but eventually had to declare Google Reader bankruptcy.

We had a wonderful vacation to Hilton Head, SC and Savannah, GA and returned late Monday night. I thought I would want to recount our vacation experience in full detail, I thought I would want to tell the recent problems with the dog that has my stomach in knots, or write another post about my sister's pregnancy, but I can't bring myself to write about any of that. It all seems very silly compared to the prevailing feeling of the time: I still can't believe I'm pregnant.

There are plans for baby showers next weekend and the weekend after - for me. For my baby. This little amazing creature that pokes and prods and kicks and turns inside me and reminds me this is HAPPENING. I am beyond grateful, I still feel totally unworthy of this experience. It still feels too good to be true. Something I've waiting for so long. My entire life I've wanted to be a mother but I always felt it would be difficult, if not impossible, for me to achieve. And here it is, this close to me, 32 weeks 2 days today, and I still can't believe that it's real.

I cry just thinking about going to labor and delivery class or attending my own baby shower - how am I going to actually do these things without tears streaming down my face and looking like a crazy person? How am I going to give birth without crying hysterically?

I guess a part of the surrealness of it all is flashbacks to this time last year. With the change in weather and the smell of spring, I can't help but be reminded of where I was and who I was this time last year. I was waiting for my third IUI results and if negative, ready to jump in to IVF, waiting for my nephew to be born. The beta was negative, then my period didn't show, and I got a positive HPT which turned out to be an ectopic pregnancy, which began the hardest months of my life with a new baby in the family and waiting for my HCG to go down...

Drastically different than where I sit today, visibly pregnant - the same belly bump that would have sent me into tears last year at this time - going to the OB weekly for non-stress tests starting next week, with a crib in my house waiting for my child to come home.

I remember reading pregnant IFers blogs with this same sort of sentiment around this time. I never understood what the meant - I mean they've known for 7 months that there's a baby coming and still can't believe it? I get it now, but can hardly explain how it feels or why it feels this way.

I'm grateful beyond words, so happy, and I feel like I'm living in a dreamworld. I cannot wait to meet my son or daughter and make my husband a father. I am loving being pregnant right now, the slightly swollen feet and hands, the weight gain, baby kicks, constant hunger and thirst, the slow disappearance of my nearly nonexistent belly button: I can't imagine it ending. I'm already feeling nostalgic for it all and I've got another 5 weeks (at least, I hope!) left. So much faith in my body and healing of my broken heart has been mended through this pregnancy. I still have IF and loss wounds, no doubt, but they're sealed over and much less raw.

House progress

2011-03-21T12:26:00.000-05:00

Since December, C and his Dad (and sometimes his Mom and me, too) have been working hard to get our loft turned into a 3rd bedroom. We wanted a guest bedroom and we wanted an office for C. C works from home on Fridays and I imagine when the baby comes in a couple of months (squee!!) he'll need to be able to close the door for some peace and quiet.

The new room is finally complete!

What started off as this:

old loft w/ walls framed in

then this...with the drywall up

Has transformed to this:

I know it's just a wall and a door, but it's the most beautiful wall I've ever seen!!

And on the inside what looked something like this:

the guest bedroom / office packed with stuff while we were working on the nursery

Has finally turned into this:

Part guest bedroom

part office

The new room is done just in time to get the nursery cleaned up and ready for all the baby stuff from the two showers. The first one is April 9th and the second is on April 16. We got the nursery cleaned up and added a few more furniture pieces yesterday: a side table, a lamp, a bookshelf, and a wall shelf above the changing table. Here are the latest pics of the nursery:

Wall shelf and the dresser (still needs a changing pad)

New side table and green lamp from Tar.get

New bookshelf from IK.EA...ready for lots of good kids books!

Closet shot with a few friends above the door

Monkey above the bedroom door :)

...And a Viking for C (his fave NFL team) hidden behind the door

I'm so happy with all of the great progress! C has been awesome at getting things done around the house these past few months and working hard at the office and getting up early and doing P90X every morning. We leave for our Savannah / Hilton Head Island trip on Wednesday night and I hope it will be a nice relaxing getaway before we get into full baby prep mode these next few months.

Thanks for all your hard work, C! {I did help some too, w/ painting and finishing touches but C did all of the heavy lifting!}

30 weeks 5 days today :-). Keep on growing, little one!

30 weeks!

2011-03-16T14:15:00.000-05:00

30 weeks pregnant today! Only 7 weeks til full term - I just can't believe it!! Totally amazingly awesome.

Symptoms: This is the first week that I've noticed some swelling in my feet. It's not as bad as some pics I've seen on other blogs (Kelly, I'm looking at you!) but a few pairs of shoes hurt to put on and if I'm standing barefoot on our ceramic tile floors, my feet ache. I'm not letting them hold me back (yet), I still plan to go on a long walk with the dog this afternoon (it's over 50 degrees out! How can I not!!) and of course walk around Savannah and Hilton Head as much as possible next week (we leave a week from today!). No major complaints - heartburn has actually disappeared for the last couple of weeks for the first time in this pregnancy! My belly isn't so big that it's uncomfy but I am having issues with chaffage with bra straps in between belly and boobs while I'm sitting. Most are just not comfortable - it's the way the belly hits it and then bends the band so it digs into the top of my belly. Not fun, but whatever, I can just take my bra off :-)

I had another check up with my OB today and all looks good so far. Baby looks good: belly is measuring a little ahead still and heart rate good. My blood pressure, weight and urine were all ok. I got more information on my care going forward. Because of my hypothyroidism and possible complications to baby because of it, my OB will not let me go past my due date. She will induce between 39 and 40 weeks. This could suck - I really don't want to be induced, esp if I'm showing no progress and my cervix is unfavorable, but I can't quite freak about this yet. I'm hoping that he or she will come on their own before 39 weeks and this will be a non-issue, but you never know. It will be interesting to see how this all plays out - if I am induced I won't want it to be on my birthday (May 21) or the day before, so I hope I can get it the induction date as close to 40 weeks (May 25) as possible if necessary, and hey, using my birthday as an excuse might just work to keep the baby in there a bit longer and see if it will come on its own. It's not that I don't want to be in labor on my birthday, but I'd prefer the baby to have its own birthday if I have a choice.

Also because of my hypothyroidism I will have more extensive monitoring late in the third trimester. This includes and ultrasound at 34 weeks (yay, I get to see the baby again!) and NST each time I come in to the office 34 weeks and on. I was shocked to learn all of this - besides additional blood draws to check my TSH levels throughout pregnancy, I wasn't aware that my hypothyroidism would cause any sort of issues since it's being managed carefully. Today's appointment is the first time my OB has mentioned it and I know there are a few other hypo girls out in blog land that didn't have this close of monitoring that I remember. So if you have hypothyroidism, did you have any additional monitoring during pregnancy because of it? I will be consulting Dr. Google and my pregnancy books this afternoon.

Also thanks for all the comments on my last post, I really appreciate everyone's support and understanding. Getting it off my chest helps so much.

Hooray for 30 weeks!!! I'm off to enjoy this beautiful day in Chicagoland!

I just can't relate

2011-03-11T14:19:00.001-06:00

I haven't said much about my sister's pregnancy on this blog since I wrote about it initially. I've been thinking about it, stewing about it, but my emotions about it are so complex and I find myself just visiting the same train of thoughts and feelings over and over again. It all seems quite pointless to even think about or dwell on...but it's my blog - might as well write it all out and get it off my chest even if it doesn't make much sense.

{And if you are my sister, please don't read this post. Please respect my privacy on this one.}

My sister and her husband have been busy with the telling of the news. To, apparently, anyone and everyone. She was 8 weeks along when they told the parentals, then all the siblings. And then told my Mom she could tell whoever she wanted, grandparents, aunts, uncles, everyone. I got on face.book the next day and my grandpa and cousin had written congratulations on her wall.

This is where I got a little miffed. I totally get that it's her news and she can choose to share it however and whenever she pleases. I KNOW THAT. And I'm not mad at her, I'm just mad about the way the whole thing makes me feel about my situation. Announcing to everyone at 8 weeks just feels so arrogant. Like, she had no issues and even though she has the books and knows the risks of the 1st trimester, but they don't pertain to her. Everything's going to look great and be perfect because it was SO EASY.

I couldn't and can't really comprehend that. At 8 weeks, with nothing but a pee stick as proof of pregnancy (her OB office won't do ultrasounds until 20 weeks!) she's okay with telling anyone and everyone. No apparent fear of ectopic pregnancy, molar pregnancy, blighted ovum, miscarrying, missed miscarriage. No fear of having to un-tell the entire world.

You guys, I just can't relate. I can't. I can't relate to being able to wait until 20 weeks to see proof that all is well. I think about all the horribly heartbreakingly awful stories I've heard around the internet. I think about Trinity's sister and her being heartbroken that her pregnancy wasn't viable at her 12 week scan. After telling everyone.

I want to shout at her, this COULD BE YOU!!! This could happen. Get an ultrasound! STAT!

But I don't. Because, I don't want my sister to deal with the same fears that I do. I don't want to ruin this happy, blissful time for her. I don't want to become that overbearing sister that she won't want to share anything for fear of me spouting off information about all that can go wrong.

Part of me is upset that my own sister is a blissfully ignorant fertile. I just expected more. I expected her to be a bit more wary of pregnancy after she watched me fight like hell for it for years. I expected her to remember what I went through.

Then there's my Mom. I expected my Mom to somewhat temper her excitement for this pregnancy the way she's been subdued about mine. But she called me, excitedly, proclaiming "I"m a double grammy!! You're going to be an auntie!" It's not that I don't expect or want my Mom to be excited. I just thought she would treat it with the same amount of trepidation she treated my pregnancies in the early weeks. And I thought she would at least have the decency to ask me how I felt about my sister's pregnancy after having been through what I've been through.

Instead, I was just reminded that I'm different. My pregnancies are different. I have cause to be scared, they have cause to be scared for me but with my sister it's all party balloons and happy times and tell the whole world.

My Mom's comments recently have stung like hell too. I mentioned to her that my doctor asked me to do kick counts four times a day. Her response? "OH that must be because you're scared? I've never heard of that." In response to my sister waiting til 20 weeks for an ultrasound: "I heard you freaked out when she told you that!"

Thanks Mom. Thanks for making me feel like a freakazoid spaz. I appreciate it. Happy to be your defective child.

Anyways. See? It's all a bunch of ramble and no coherent thoughts, nothing concrete to even be upset about. Just a bunch of little stuff that just brings up a whole bunch of insecurities and perhaps them not being as sensitive as they could be. But I don't feel like there's anything I can say to either my Mom or my sister to make things better. I've just sort of been speaking when spoken too, answering their questions but not asking a whole lot. I've got nothing to say to them anymore. I just can't relate.

Birth Preparation

2011-03-09T12:33:00.002-06:00

Since hitting third trimester (29 weeks today! Yip!), C and I have started to prep on everything about labor and birth. Per the recommendations from the wonderful Trinity from Three is a Magic Number, I ordered three books from Amazon to help us:
Your Best Birth by Ricki Lake and Abby Epstein (I started reading this one and am about 3/4 done)
The Thinking Woman's Guide to a Better Birth by Henci Goer (up next for me and it's Trinity's top pick)
The Birth Partner by Penny Simpkin (C started reading this on Sunday and it's so adorable to listen to his responses to the book, like "Babe, you don't think we need a doula, right? I just need to step it up!")

Before the whole IF experience, I always wanted to have a natural childbirth. My mother went sans drugs with all four of us (and my brother was 9 pounds 10 ounces!, though that was her 3rd birth), so it was always something I wanted to try to do. If my Mom can do it, I can I figured. I'm built like my mama, with big hips. {Also had to chuckle at the quote in "Your Best Birth" that said a myth of the size of your pelvis could be judged by the size of your feet. If only! My size 11s would mean awesome pelvis size I suppose - would have been the only good thing about havin' big feet...}

Then infertility happened. And then trying to STAY pregnant happened...and it all feels a bit silly to be so idealistic and dreamy about a birth. Like, WHO AM I to try to plan how my baby enters the world...I'm lucky to even be pregnant. I feel a bit greedy for preferring anything in terms of birth - if I end up with a healthy, safe baby at the end of this, I feel like it's a bit over the top to be too particular about how that baby makes it here.

Beggars can't be choosers, right?

But, my infertile insecurities are no reason not to be an informed patient. I can still have a birth plan in mind..I can still try to have the birth I wanted before infertility kicked me in the ovaries. I just might recover more quickly from a c-section I didn't want than I would have without the IF experience....might. I've also read the other experience from women who have babies after IF, they couldn't get pregnant the way the wanted, so the birth become all the more important to them. Perhaps because the baby I'm carrying was a miracle and surprise that we conceived sans help, I feel like I'm lucky to be here at ALL and I'm more prone to go with the flow when it comes to the birth as well? Who knows?

So, anyways. The plan. My idealistic plan for birth. {I feel like there are so many assumptions within this - I have no idea if my baby is head down, no idea if I'll go into labor on my own or need to be induced...}

For me the natural childbirth is a little bit about pride but mostly I think it will give me the very best chance of having a baby vaginally. I want to feel the pain, the urge to push. Childbirth pain isn't just pain, it's pain for a reason. It's pain so you can feel what's going on and work with your body to push the baby out.

But ideally, I hope my water breaks on its own, at home, at 37-40 weeks. I want to labor at home for a while with just C and I so I'm free to move around as I please. {I still need to read up on when exactly I'll know it's time to head to the hospital, this is a bit scary to me on how I'll know having never done this before.}

I will deliver at the hospital - it's where I feel most comfortable. We are only 10 minutes away from the hospital we plan to deliver at. I didn't check % c-section / deliveries by hospital in the area until Sunday, but I was thrilled to find that the hospital we chose had the best rates in the area - 27%. Which certainly isn't amazing, but it's better than the national average & it's a hell of a lot better than 40% (the next closest hospital) or 46% (the closest hospital with a NICU). I feel like I got really, really lucky with the OB group I chose (they have a midwife on staff) and the hospital where they deliver.

I hope that once I get to the hospital, I'll get checked in, go sans meds - and push that baby out. I don't want an episiotomy. I don't want an internal monitor on the baby. And I really don't want an epidural. I might change my mind - particularly if I end up being induced and am dealing with some really difficult contractions, or a super long labor, but I'd much rather be able to move around as much as possible.

It's so weird to think and plan for a birth - it feels like I'm tempting fate. I'm scared to tell too many people my hope for a drug free birth for fear they'll tell me I'm insane or ruin what little confidence I have in my body. I met a couple of new moms in the waiting room at my OB's office and was thrilled to learn they both did it without epidurals, so I know it can be done and it's not unheard of with my OB - both these women were there to see the same doc I see. So, hopefully my OB will be supportive of my choices, but I haven't had a conversation with her yet.

Besides the books, we're also signed up for a birthing class scheduled at the hospital that start at the end of April and are once a week for 5 weeks. They focus on Lamaze breathing techniques and C will be going with me. That should give us a good idea of what support we can expect at the hospital.

So, that's the plan. I'll be absolutely thrilled if it actually goes how I'd like it to. If not, I'll be ecstatic with a healthy baby however she or he decides to make their entrance - I'll have done my research and hopefully have no regrets - I'll have done everything I could. I hope...

So unbelievable

2011-03-04T16:33:00.001-06:00

....I'm 28 weeks, 2 days pregnant today. Third trimester! (And yes I chopped my hair off this week)

....I received an invitation to one of my and baby B's baby shower in the mail yesterday! I really thought this day would never come. It brought tears to my eyes.

Image from hiltonhead.locale.com

....We booked our "babymoon" ~ a 5 day trip to the Savannah, GA and Hilton Head, SC area for the end of March. So excited for warm weather and one last little getaway with my sweet husband! Any suggestions of what to do or where to go from those that have been?

....C and I saw the baby kick from the outside on Wednesday night. We couldn't tell what body part it was, but it was very cool evidence that this little baby is getting bigger and stronger by the day.

....C and I are getting closer to picking names. We most likely won't decide on names before the birth, the plan is to take a few options for each gender with us to the hospital and decide when we meet him or her. I'm getting a bit anxious to know if it's a boy or girl but am still glad we're waiting to find out. But if you have a prediction (or a name suggestion)...feel free to leave a comment :) I love to hear people's guesses. My OB guessed girl on Monday.

....The floaty baby widget on my Baby Stuff page says 82 days to go. Wow, wow, wow. So much to do.

That's all I've got. I can't really put into words the surreal-ness of it all. I'm just amazed, thrilled to be here anticipating the arrival of our baby in May. Please get here safely, little guy or girl. We love you so much already.

27 weeks

2011-02-24T19:14:00.000-06:00

First of all, a huge thank you to everyone who commented on my last post about my sister's pregnancy. It wasn't easy to write, I cried buckets writing that post and I'm ashamed of so many of those feelings but it feels good to put it out there and be honest about the complexity of it all. My sister also knows about my blog, has the URL and I'm not sure if she's read it or not. I was upfront with her about my feelings and after a congratulations and a I'm so happy for you, I also let her know that even though I'm pregnant, it's still difficult for me to watch it be so easy for her. I was glad it was, but it's still hard and it just brings back how much pain I had to go through. She understood and let me know that she felt so guilty that it was so easy for her when I had been through so much. It feels good just to have all those emotions out in the open, unlike the disaster that was my SIL and her second pregnancy. Hooray for good, supportive sibling relationships.

Anyways. You guys. I'm TWENTY-SEVEN weeks pregnant. AMAZING, AMAZING stuff. I really can't believe it. Here is the belly at 27 weeks:

I look like a ... pregnant woman. It's a bit strange that my boobs look so small, b/c they feel huge! I think I've gained about 25 pounds already (oh the shame :-( !), but I've been avoiding the scale. We'll see what the doc says on Monday at my appointment, but I hope she's not too concerned. My Mom gained 50 pounds with all 4 of us, and I don't think I'll get to that much, I bet I'll be around 35 pounds by the time it's all done and I'm blaming genetics! But still, I feel good - I've been getting exercise - lots of long walks and yoga - no swelling, no complaints really. I do have the occasional back and round ligament aches, but I think that's to be expected at this point.

This week, I've hit the holy sh!t this is happening point! I can't believe 3rd trimester is next week, only 10 weeks til full term, it suddenly seems like this is happening so quickly. I feel so unworthy of it all..I just can't believe it but luckily the baby is moving around and reminding me that this is REAL. This is happening. Holy crap, this is happening! Wow, wow, wow.

I've been trying to push things into overdrive, getting my registries finalized, finishing work on the house, scheduling our baby moon, preparing the nursery, reading about child birth, ...and all that good stuff...it's exciting and crazy.

I feel so lucky to be here. I haven't forgotten how miraculous this all is and how much pain and tears I went through to get to this point. To those of you still waiting, please know that I haven't forgotten you, I'm still rooting for you on your journeys and I can't wait to celebrate with you.

Sister, Sister

2011-02-21T17:36:00.002-06:00

My Mom, my sister, and me

I had an interesting dream Saturday night. I was still pregnant and my sister had just told me she was also expecting. I was shocked and my sister was at my house, in my closet, pulling out my maternity wear saying that she needed it. I was getting angry because I was still pregnant and needed the clothes much more than a newly pregnant woman. She was running around pulling clothes out and said "well, I'm not going to take all of it, just the 0-3 month stuff!" {Which is kind of hilarious because they clearly don't size maternity clothes like that...}

This morning, my sister called me a few times and we played phone tag. It crossed my mind during my yoga that maybe she is pregnant and was trying to tell me. She finally got a hold of me this afternoon. Then she dropped the bomb, she's pregnant. Of course. About six weeks along. My sister, two years older than me that *just* got married in October 2010 is expecting. They just decided to see what happened and thought they should not try but not not try.

And then, bam, just like that she got pregnant, the very first month of not NOT trying. Two pink lines. Easy Peasy.

So, I've spent the afternoon in a sort of shocked and confused state. First and foremost, I'm happy for my sister. She's so excited to be expecting, she's watched me and her friends get married first and get pregnant and (okay, not me yet..) have babies. I'm so relieved for her that she didn't have to go through what I went through.

I'm scared for her. I'm afraid she'll miscarry. Have an ectopic pregnancy.

I'm jealous as hell that it was so easy for her. Why did I have to endure years of pain and suffering and it JUST HAPPENED for them? No painful testing, no months of wondering "what's wrong with me?". No tears. No pain. No IUIs, No doctors or consults or any of that. No acupuncture. No diet changes to reach optimal fertility. No infertility books. It just happened for them.

I'm afraid my family will think I'm more crazy than they already do. It was so easy for your sister, they'll say, Why didn't you JUST RELAX so it could have been easy for you too? I'll be seen as the crazy girl who made her pregnancy such a big DEAL who was scared and cautious at every turn while they say why can't you be more like your sister? She is having a such an easy time with her pregnancy, why are you such a spaz? I'm afraid that if she talks to me about her pregnancy, I will only freak her out as much and ruin what should be a happy experience for her. I know too much about what can go wrong.

Why was it so hard for me? WHY, God?! WHY? Why will it be THREE YEARS from the time that we started trying til when we get to meet our child? She'll have her first child not even a year after they were married! Then they'll be able to have more children whenever they want to...I won't. Ever.

Most darkly, I'm afraid that she'll steal the family's excitement away from me: my pregnancy, my baby, that I've waited so, SO long for. She'll be pregnant at my baby shower next month and it will likely be public knowledge by then. I'm four hours away from my parents, while my sister is only an hour. Why would they come visit us when she's so much closer? I was really looking forward to seeing my family more often and now that's probably not going to happen.

I see so much good from this too that I'm trying to focus on. Selfishly: I'm happy that my child will have a cousin that is so close to their age even if I'm never able to give him or her a sibling. I'm happy that my sister and I get to go through this experience of becoming mothers so close together.

I'm happy that my sister will never have to know the pain of infertility. The crippling feeling that no matter how badly you want it, there is nothing you can do to control whether or not you will get pregnant. The years of tears, disappointment, depression. I'm so glad she was spared all of that pain, I wouldn't wish it upon anyone, especially not my only sister.

I would be inconsolable right now if I wasn't pregnant. I'm so thankful I am, and I'm nearly 27 weeks along, otherwise all of the negative, awful feelings and "why me's" would consume me, break me.

Life's not fair. I know this. She's been through some hard times that I didn't go through. Her pregnancy is not about me. Her life has had and will have its own struggles.

It's going to be a challenging nine months. I hope that I can be happy for my sister and excitedly waiting for my niece or nephew in the way that I should be; supportive in the way that she needs me to be. It's going to be difficult, but I can't let infertility win, I can't let it come between my sister and I. But I just hope I can quiet the jealous little voice.

Please let my sister have an easy, healthy, uneventful pregnancy and a happy, healthy baby in October.

I was tagged!

2011-02-18T16:57:00.000-06:00

First, a quick pregnancy update: 26w2d today and I passed my gestational diabetes test! I celebrated w/ a giant cookies n cream milkshake from chick fil a :-). Next appointment Feb 28.

A from Remember all the Way tagged me!

Rule #1: the tagged person must write their answers on their blog and replace any question they dislike with a new question formulated by themselves.

Rule #2: tag 4 people to do this quiz; they cannot refuse (ok, so nothing bad will happen if you don’t participate but I would love to see your answers). The tag-ee must state who tagged them.

1. If you have pets, do you see them as merely animals or are they members of your family? Since the dog is currently on the couch next me snoozing away the afternoon, I'd say he's part of the family :-) He's spoiled.

2. If you could have a dream come true, what would it be? For this little one in my belly to be born happy and healthy in May. And then, a couple more kids too...hey, we're dreaming here, right?

3. What would you do with a billion dollars? Pay off our mortgage, help w/ our family's expenses, buy a new house in the country with lots of land, take a trip around the world, give money away to some great causes, start an IF foundation for couples w/o medical coverage?

4. What helps to pull you out of a bad mood? Sunshine, exercise, laughing, a new haircut.

5. What is your bedtime routine, with your kids? No kids, but I usually give the dog some water from the bathroom sink then he goes into his crate. Sometimes I give him peanut butter in his Kong. ;-) When we (hopefully) have a kid, I think a bath, a bedtime story, and a prayer.

6. If you are currently in a relationship, how did you meet your significant other? We met in college at his frat house. Where he showed me his nude sketches from his studio art class..hehehe.

7. What kind of books do you read? Chick lit (love Jenifer Weiner), and currently...pregnancy/delivery books.

8. How do you see yourself in 10 years? Still married to my cute hubby, with two (or hopefully more) kids, living in a house in the country.

9. What’s your fear? So many: That I'll lose this baby, that I'll be an awful mother, that I'll hate the dog after I have the baby. That I'll never want to have sex again after having a baby...

10. Would you give up all junk food for the rest of your life for the opportunity to see outer space? Not a chance...outer space scares the crap out of me. Also? Girl scout cookies and inside out oreos are yummy.

11. What’s the first thing you do when you wake up? Go to the bathroom (at least twice a night), check my email / twitter on my iPhone, put a sheet on the bed so the dog can snuggle if Hubs left work already (see, spoiled dog!)

12. If you could change one thing about your significant other, what would it be? The ability to make a decision. I could complain about this same thing about myself...but we both are so terribly undecisive. That's what happens when two middle children marry. They spend their whole marriage going..."I don't know, what do you think?" "Oh I don't know babe, what do you think?" It's not that big of a deal really, when one of us has an opinion it's not bad, but sometimes it is so annoying!

13. If you could pick a new name for yourself, what would it be? I used to hate my name in middle school and wish it was something more common....like Jessica or Jennifer...anything but...A...what it is. But now, wouldn't change it, like my name.

14. If you had to choose between six months of sun or six months of rain, what would you choose? sun!

15. If you could only eat one thing for the next 6 months, what would it be? Cereal!!!

16. What is the thing you enjoy about blogging the most? I love the therapeutic process of writing...getting my thoughts out there. I enjoy connecting with other women struggling with infertility. I love having this experience documented so I can read back on the journey.

17. Do you prefer salty or sweet foods? sweet

18. What items are in your purse right now? Hand sanitizer, money, wallet, lotion, jolly ranchers, protein bar, pen, pencil, check book, pocket calendar, kleenex, chapstick, lipstick, and TUMS!

19. If you had to choose between vacationing at the beach or in the mountains where would you go? I love both, but after the long winter I'll take the beach! Though I'll stay out of my swimsuit right now, I'd rather be one of the ladies with the floppy hats reading a book under an umbrella, going for walks, or building a sandcastle.

20. What do you watch on television that you know you shouldn’t? I didn't know I was pregnant! Though in a sense, if these crazies can have healthy babies and they didn't even know they were pregnant, it gives me a bit more confidence that this lil one will be just fine.

The four people I tag are:
JC @ Steps to Baby
Brown Iris @ the (In)fertility Diaries
The Misadventures of Miss Ohkay
Jen @ Within Reach

Anything but a burden

2011-02-15T11:07:00.000-06:00

I was at my parent's house over the weekend (they live about 4 hours away) to celebrate my youngest brother's 22nd birthday. {I was 22 when I got engaged! How is my brother that old already? Ack!} Anyways, my aunt also came over mostly for the festivities and the three of us were talking in the kitchen and my aunt was talking about how she loved being pregnant. My brother replied something like, "hmmph, that's funny. Al thinks of it as a burden."

What the what?!

That comment from him sent a dagger through my infertile heart. I know I have to consider the source and my brother has a serious problem putting himself in other's shoes...the kid lacks empathy more than anyone else I've ever met. He's a very book smart guy, but he doesn't understand people. {Classic example: the kid has a crazy fast metabolism and will literally bake and eat a full cake once a week or so and never gain an ounce. To him, anyone that is the least bit over weight must be incredibly lazy and eat a ton. He just doesn't understand how things can be difficult for others.}

Even though the comment came from my brother, and I try to take everything from him with a grain of salt, the comment still hurt like hell. I hated that that was the impression that I gave him, because it is certainly not how I feel. I don't see pregnancy has a burden at all and I hope that's not the impression I give off on the blog or to anyone in my life either.

Pregnancy isn't easy, it's not all sunshine and rainbows and lollipops. I see it as a huge responsibility. It's a lot to have a small little life depend on you for its growth and development for 9 months. It's a lot of faith to put in your body that it knows just what to do to support a little being and help nourish it into a healthy baby that can survive on the outside...especially when it failed at doing just that at least twice before. I worry about what I do, what food I eat, the air I breathe, the exercise I get. I voice those fears on here, to my family {when it's time to eat and I'm wondering if the seafood alfredo is ok for me to consume} but I don't see it as a burden. It's just me doing the best I can for my baby. It's what I do, it's my job to protect this little person that I love so much.

But this pregnancy? It's way more complex than just a responsibility - it's also amazing, miraculous, and a complete honor. Maybe I don't say it enough. I cherish every little kick, bump, roll I feel in my belly. I love my expanding belly and that it means a baby is growing and thriving and alive inside. I am thankful for every single day and every moment that I'm pregnant. I love that I'm starting to feel more trust in my body...it got pregnant, it's staying pregnant, and I hope that at the end I will be able to give birth to a live child. That's the thing --- the end goal was never just to get pregnant {even though for so long just that bit of it was impossible enough} the goal is always a child to love. The goal is becoming a Mom, to make C a Dad. I am doing everything I can to make that a reality and it takes a lot of faith and trust that all is going well throughout the 9 months of pregnancy. It's not always easy but it gets easier as time goes on, but I don't see it as a burden. Anything but a burden. I feel lucky and blessed to be pregnant and have this experience - the difficult, the amazing, the fun, all of it.

Happy Valentine's Day...

2011-02-14T11:57:00.001-06:00

...to my wonderful husband, who has been there for me through so much in the past year. Babe, you are my rock and you've been amazingly patient and supportive through a really difficult year. I love you more and more every day and I'm so happy that this journey has brought us closer together. <3

...to all of my blog friends, who have been there to support me through the good times and the bad through the past year. There were some times that I felt like this is the only place where my thoughts and feelings were understood and that was priceless through this roller coaster of a year. Your comments, virtual hugs, and understanding helped me more than I can express.

...to the little, lazy baby in my belly. I love you more than words can express, you are the first thing I think of every morning and the last thing I think of and pray about every night. I can't believe we've come so far together and that you're still growing and with me now.

...to my family and friends, who are so excited for this little one. It means so much that this little baby will be so loved when he or she arrives.

...to Mother Nature, who made it 40 degrees today! the snow is starting to melt :-) Happy day!

Help Sarah!

2011-02-04T18:00:00.001-06:00

One of my dear bloggie friends, Sarah, is hosting an online auction to raise money for her adoption of a baby that is due in April of this year! I am so, so excited for her and her chance to bring this baby home. She needs as much help as she can possibly get to raise money for the adoption costs.

If you can, please go to her auction site, bid on an item and help spread the word about the auction via your blog, twitter, facebook, email. The auction opens at midnight eastern time Friday night and will be live through midnight eastern time Sunday night. You can also simply donate via pay pal if you prefer on her auction site!

Please help this very deserving couple bring home their first child in any way you can. Thanks :-)

24 weeks & snow

2011-02-02T16:19:00.001-06:00

We made it...24 weeks. Viability! It feels awesome and surreal, I am so relieved to be at this point. Even if something went terribly wrong and my cervix failed, there's still a shot that this baby could pull through. The thought of that...a little life surviving w/o me, even if I failed it, is amazing. Obviously it would NOT be good if something happened, ideally I hope this baby stays nice and comfy and keeps growing inside my belly until May (37 weeks at the earliest) but it's so reassuring to be at this point. Also reassuring are the multi-times a day bumps and kicks and twirls I can feel that keep getting stronger and more distinct...I know my little baby is getting so much bigger and stronger every day...and it's incredible.

The 24 week bump:

The ass is apparently doing its fair share of growing as well. That's normal though, right, cuz it needs, to, like, umm, balance out the belly so I don't fall over all the time? Right? And I'm headless here not for the sake of my anonymity, but more because I'm housebound today due to the snowpocalypse (more on that later..) and haven't bothered to look decent. I took a bath but slicked back the hair into a wet bun and generally probably look like crap. Though I can't say for sure since I haven't bothered to look in the mirror... (Perhaps someone should call TLC's What Not to Wear?! My poor husband.)

Anyways..other good things. The crib is assembled in the nursery:

And the wide dresser that we also plan to use as the changing table:

Weird. And awesome. I peek in the nursery at least once a day, I think part of me expects the crib to be gone, the past 6 months to be some sort of dream....

Onto SNOWPOCALYPSE 2011! Because of the crazy media coverage, you've probably heard that the midwest got hit with a pretty nasty winter storm. For the Chicago area, this meant a foot plus of snow Tuesday afternoon through Wednesday morning and some pretty serious winds that caused major drifting.

My first view of the snow this morning was from our 3rd story bedroom window:

So windy that the snow was blown up and caked in between the screen and the window.

And this at our front door:

About 3 feet of snow jammed up against our front door. I took the dog out through the garage, he was a bit startled at first by all the snow and wind then was pretty quickly bounding along, climbing 5 foot drifts and enjoying it. I wish I could have gotten a pic of him climbing the giant snow hills, but this is the only one I could manage:

Yea, he's peeing. Sorry! The snow doesn't look that deep there, but he's a big boy, so it is probably about a foot at his front, less at his rear.

I'm planning to stay home the rest of the night, some of the schools are already canceled in the area for tomorrow, so we may be house bound again tomorrow. Which is no problem as long as the electricity stays on (it has so far!), we have plenty of food and plenty of things to entertain ourselves.

Hope you all are staying safe and warm wherever you are!

Randoms

2011-01-31T11:48:00.002-06:00

I'm sick of winter...at the end of January every year I get so tired of the snow and ice and daydream of spring. Instead of spring, we're supposed to get a foot of snow on Tuesday / Wednesday. Joy. Why don't I live in the south?! The high is 8 on Thursday. EIGHT. So tired of it!
There is dry wall dust all over the house. C and his parents did the 3rd coat of mudding and a sanding this weekend and some how the dust from sanding got from upstairs all the way down to the living room. ugh. I can't wait til the work is done and the house doesn't feel like a construction zone...I'm ready to start getting things organized.
My gestational diabetes test is next Monday. I'm a bit nervous about it, seeing as how a few of my super healthy friends have tested positive or borderline positive for GD - I hope I pass with flying colors...
I'll be 24 weeks on Wednesday....viability...wow. So, so excited to be at this point.
The spotting seems to be gone. I haven't seen a speck of blood since Friday evening and I'm hoping the polyp has dissolved as has the infection.
C started P90X this morning. I'm excited for him and he seems really committed to it...he should be done with the program at the end of April, so he'll be trimming down as I'll be tipping the scales at my biggest. Which could be a bit strange and I hope I don't get all hormone ragey on him.
A certain pregnant fertile facebook friend is bugging me with her updates. She's complained about crazy vivid pregnant dreams, nausea, and sleepiness. Posted a message to her husband to "stop bringing home germs from work. Love, me and your child." She posted videos of telling both sets of parents the news, started a twitter account for her baby, posted her first u/s pics, and fb profile for her unborn child....gah! TMI!! Does she have any clue that some people have a hard time conceiving and might be bothered by her crazy ass updating?! I'm bugged by it now, but it would KILL me if I was still struggling to get pregnant...and she's probably only 10 weeks pregnant? Due in September. May have to hide her and her ridiculousness.
We bought a crib on Saturday! At first they told us it would take 14-16 weeks for it to come in, then checked the computer ... and they had it in stock. So, we took it home Saturday night and assembled it. There's a crib in my house...so incredibly surreal. {and like everything else, it already has a layer of drywall dust on it. I'll post pics when I can get it cleaned up}.

Sister visit, Nursery Progress

2011-01-27T18:01:00.001-06:00

The spotting is still lingering, though it is slowly dwindling, there's the constant twinge of pink or brownish pink on the TP just about every trip to the bathroom . {Which is a lot of trips in a day, just ask my sister who was amazed at the number of times I had to pee / eat / burp in the three days she was here. ;-)} It's annoying but not concerning at all, I just wish I knew when it would go away and stay away. My next doc appointment is Monday, Feb 7 so I have quite a while to wait to get rechecked and verification that the infection is gone, the polyp is gone, and we are cleared for se.x again. I'm very thankful to have baby wiggles and kicks going on in the meantime for reassurance.

I had a really nice visit with my sister, she arrived on Monday at noon and left Wednesday around 8 pm. We spent Monday brainstorming nursery ideas then shopping for supplies, Tuesday painting, hanging the curtains then relaxing, and Wednesday at the outlet mall looking for great deals for jeans and boots for her. It was a good mix of progress and girly fun, I wish we could get together more often, but unfortunately we live five hours apart.

Here are a few pics of our progress. We decided to go with a tan color for the walls and accent with a bring orange curtain and place the wooden circles my sister painted scattered all over the walls (aren't they absolutely adorable? I think they make the room so fun!):

I'm happy with the way it turned out, it's fun, bright and cheerful. We still need to decide and order a crib and changing table/dresser and finish up the third bedroom (guest room/office) that currently looks like this:

Ummm, yea. Scary how much stuff we have that needs to fit into that room when it's done...so much to go through and organize, not to mention the work to finish the room (another coat of mudding, primer, paint, baseboards, sand / paint door, hang closet doors, install closet shelf...the list goes on!). But I feel good that we'll finish in time if we continue to chip away at the work every weekend.

So very exciting progress on the room...I'm 23 weeks and 1 day today :-).

Relief

2011-01-25T23:28:00.000-06:00

A quick update on the bleeding and infection scare: I had an appointment with my OB first thing Monday morning and got good news: the polyp is still there but is much smaller, the infection appears to already be clearing up, baby's heartbeat is beating strong, and my cervix is completely closed.. According to my doc, once the infection clears up, the risk of preterm labor DOES go down, so perhaps my crazy internet reading had me worked up for no reason.

I'm still spotting but it's less than it was over the weekend and the doc says it should stop soon. I'm feeling much better about things, but I'm also very ready for the bleeding to be over with.

In other news, my sister has been up visiting since yesterday morning and we've made some great progress on the nursery :-). It's been fun having her around and hanging out just the two of us these last couple of days. I will share pics of the room soon! {I should be able to catch up on blog reading on Thursday when she leaves.}

A bit scared.

2011-01-23T13:25:00.000-06:00

I am ok and the baby is okay, for now. I am just a freaked.

It all started on Thursday morning, C and I had a bit of an um morning rendevouz which left me with spotting and burning and itching and general grossness in my girly bits. I figured it was a yeast infection, called my doctor and spoke with a nurse who directed me to pick up some monistat 7, avoid intercourse, and assured me that the spotting was due to irritation from s.ex.

I was a bit uneasy, surprised they didn't want me to come in to have a look at what was going on down there, but it all made sense so I was good with that plan. Thursday night I began using the monistat as directed. And I was completely miserable the entire night - itching, oozing, horrible ness. I thought it was just the medicine doing its thing.

Friday - pretty uneventful, had a great day downtown with A from The Baby Race, no spotting or scariness until Friday night when I saw a bit on the toilet paper.

Saturday - I awoke to even more spotting, bigger quanity. Now I was really confused - I've had ZERO sex, there's nothing to cause irritation or bleeding. I called the doctor and asked to be seen to be reassured that it was a yeast infection and it's just that irritated down there and that's why I'm spotting. Luckily, my doc was in the office and agreed to squeeze me in.

First, she checked the baby's heart rate - going strong in the 120s. Then she checked me, but she didn't say what I expected - it's not a yeast infection. She thinks it's a bacterial infection. On top of that, I have a polyp on my cervix that is causing the bleeding. {I didn't even know you could have a polyp on your cervix?!} She said regularly she would tear it off, but that would cause a lot of bleeding, so instead she cauterized it (burnt it). I got a prescription for antibiotics for the infection. Then, on her way out the door she tells me that this is the kind of infection that can cause preterm labor, and didn't give me a chance to ask any questions.

But I thought if I got the meds and got rid of the infection, the risk would be gone, but from what I've read the antibiotics will take care of the symptoms of the infection, but NOT reduce the risk of preterm labor.

Cue endless loop of minor freaking out that I'm going to go into labor at 22 weeks and my baby will not survive and there's nothing I can do about it.

And then, MORE SPOTTING. Lots more spotting last night and this morning. Bighter red. I called the doctor again who reassured me at 6 am this morning that she's sure that the spotting is caused by the evil polyp, but if the bleeding gets heavier like a period and/or I feel cramping or I'm just freaking out to go to Labor and Delivery today. Otherwise, I should setup an appointment for tomorrow to get checked out again.

I really was starting to get nice and comfy and really excited, and I know this doesn't mean that things are definitely going to go wrong, but man, the bleeding. It sucks. Having to rate the amount you're bleeding and make a decision on whether or not it warrants a visit to L&D sucks. It sucks to be freaked out every time I pee - to wonder if the bleeding is worse. And then stare at the TP.

So, it's wait and see over here. My doctor is not concerned about the bleeding, my cervix was long and closed yesterday - she is very sure that it's caused by the polyp. I'm trying to focus on that and not let the blood freak me out. But it's hard. Blood from your vajayjay when you're 22 weeks pregnant = PANIC.

I just hope that the spotting stops or at least slows. We are going to C's parents house to watch the Bears vs. Packers in a few minutes and it will be very good to get my mind off of this for a while, there's no point in worrying about it.

Everything is fine. The baby is okay. The bleeding means nothing, it's just the stupid polyp healing...

Progress.

2011-01-17T17:31:00.000-06:00

Hey, everyone. I hope you had a great weekend! C and I had a nice, relaxing yet still productive one around here.

I think I should start off by saying even though my last post was rather, um, gloomy, and based on the comments I think I need to reassure you all that I really am feeling optimistic about things 90% of the time. I am not letting my fears and past ruin my pregnancy experience or this happy time in my life. But as with everything with IF, pregnancy after IF and loss (at least for me) is still quite the roller coaster of emotions. The further I get along and the more reassuring baby kicks I feel, I get more and more excited and happy that this spring we'll be bringing home our first child. Even so, every once in a while I'll have a day or an hour where I freak out - and I wrote that post in a pretty down moment where I was crying and spazzing for no reason. I blame the hormones and the fact that C worked constantly last week and simply didn't have much time to talk to me. He was busy working on a self evaluation that will determine whether or not he gets a promotion this year. He turned it in last Thursday night, so it's been great to have him back these last few days.

On top of that, my youngest bro (he's 21) decided to come into town and stay with us last Sunday and didn't leave until Saturday afternoon. Which is great - it's nice to see him and hang out with him, but he's a bit inconsiderate. He leaves dishes everywhere and I find myself picking up after him constantly. he would do it eventually, but it bothers me, so I'm always picking up after him because I don't want to nag. I think that frustration with C being so busy, annoyance at my bro, the gloomy weather, and I was just having an off day. I felt much better the next day and hope that these, um, episodes are few and far between from here on out.

Anyways...the real point of this post! Progress on lots of fronts:

Loft to 3rd bedroom transformation

(The last photo I posted on can be seen here) As you can see above, work on the house has continued. Over the weekend and C and my ILs did the first coat of mudding and taping on the walls of the dry wall new wall that makes the new 3rd bed room. This room will be a guest room / office. C works from home on Fridays and he'll need a place where he can close the door for conference calls once the baby comes. Once this room is complete, we can transfer a lot of the stuff from the current guest room (will be nursery) into the new room and really get going on nursery decorating / organizing.

Glider + baby quilt

My first furniture purchase for the babe, a beautiful and comfortable glider I found for a great deal. It's a floor sample model of Mantova from Best Chairs I found when I went crib shopping with my MIL. I got it for $100 off! There are a few nicks along the arms, but I'm sure we can fix that up with a bit of stain. Also pictured is the crib quilt I bought from Land of Nod - I bought the whole bedding set of "All Creatures Great and Small."

Circles for the wall my sister is making

Once I told my sister that I bought the bedding above (I think it was back in December?), she said she had a project idea for the nursery for wall hangings. I didn't really know what she had in mind, but I was excited to see what she was planning. She bought wooden circles and decorated them with the creatures from the quilt! She sent me this cell phone pic last week - I think they are so adorable! With these items for the wall, we'll keep the wall color a neutral tone - either tan, beige or gray, then add colorful touches with curtains and these hangings throughout the room. She is coming to help me get started with the room decorating next week :-). We also found a crib and combo dresser that we're leaning towards at Buy Buy Baby: Sophia from Sorelle in espresso. We're not 100% sure, but this seems like the best value for what we want. I think we're getting close and will likely order something as early as next weekend.

Taken today, at 21w5d

Ahh, yes, the belly. It's growing. And the scale tells me I'm gaining. I actually saw the dreaded 2-0-0 on scale today - I know I've been getting really close to that - but DAMN, I was hoping it wouldn't happen so soon!!! I don't really feel heavy though, I thought carrying around this extra weight, I'd be able to feel it, but I really feel good. I think my yoga sessions and walking are really helping, otherwise I'd be feeling like a cow. I suppose there's still plenty of time for that... :-)

I'm emotional: Bliss, Guilt, Doom, and Denial

2011-01-13T17:12:00.000-06:00

Thank you to all of you that said hello and de-lurked! So nice to hear from you! I still need to return all of the comments, I hope I can say hi to everyone that left a link in the next few days.

I have a million things that are going through my head lately and I'm not really sure what to blog about, where to start. I'm in baby prep mode, but I don't feel right blogging about that. {In a nutshell: I went crib shopping last weekend (still haven't purchased one), more progress has been made on the 3rd bedroom (thanks, hubs!), and invite lists have been sent to both baby shower hosts.} I'm in a bit of a blog funk I guess and I feel really emotional and hormonal today.

I'm mostly feeling positive about the pregnancy, but I cannot help but have the doom in the back of my mind. I try to push it aside and just focus on the good things: I feel good, my doc has nothing but great things to say about the way this pregnancy is going. But some days, I get hormonal. I get freaked. I start googling "HELLP Syndrome," "incompetent cervix," "fetus viability 24 weeks," and checking up on the stories I know of women who had their babies too early. Did they have warning signs? How do I know if it's going to happen to me?

Sometimes I feel myself in that familiar state of denial about the pregnancy. I'm still scared to death of getting hurt again, of losing another baby. I don't know that I could survive it. I don't think I would be strong enough to have this baby ripped away from me, too. I go into to Buy Buy Baby to look at cribs only to feel that I don't belong. This isn't really happening, for me. It can't be, it has to be a cruel joke.

Sometimes, I feel pure bliss. Last night while watching "Robin Hood" (the new one with Russell Crow), I felt little bumps and kicks and flips going on in my belly I thought, "this is actually happening. This is so amazing, surreal, incredible. I am so lucky. My little May baby, I can't wait to meet you."

I feel guilty. I have so many of my blogger or twitter friends out there, still waiting and hoping and going through the tough sh!t that is infertility treatments, or on a break from treatments, making tough decisions, or waiting for their adoption and I feel so undeserving of this little miracle. Why not them, universe? I want this for each and every one of you, so, so much.

21 weeks this week. I really can't believe it.

Delurk! And Participate!!

2011-01-07T11:37:00.000-06:00

It's International Blog Delurking Week!

What's that mean?

That means if you read this blog but don't comment, you should say "HI" today! Let me know you're out there and reading. Tell me a bit about yourself. Tell me your favorite tv show or movie or even better your most embarrassing story..Or not, just "Hi" is okay too. You don't have to have a blog, you don't need to be infertile, just let me know you're out there. I know that there are quite a few folks who follow this blog but don't comment and I'd like to know who you are!! I won't bite, promise :-) And thank you for reading!

Also, for my regular readers or anyone really, one of my blogger friends Melissa is giving away BOTH a $50 apple gift card and a $50 VISA gift card. Hop on over there and leave her a comment for a chance to win one of these prizes :-).

20 weeks!!

2011-01-05T13:12:00.000-06:00

Holy sh!t, you guys! this pregnancy is HALF OVER! I cannot believe it. It simultaneously feels like I've been pregnant forever and that this pregnancy has gone by in warp speed. {though part of that feeling like I've been pregnant forever is probably because of the other two pregnancies in the past year - which, added together, would add up to roughly 40 weeks...}

On Sunday night after we got back from our {exhausting} trip to Minnesota, I couldn't hold back the tears of happiness that this is actually happening. I don't know why it happened that day, but it just hit me that after all this heartache, loss, fears, we are having a baby. It will always feel good to be true, because this is an amazing experience that I never thought would happen to me.

I know I still have a ways to go, but as my doc reassured me on Monday, everything has gone smoothly so far, everything looks great and there is no indication so far of things going wrong. I'm sure I'll still have my moments of freak out and doom, but today I feel optimistic and happy.

Now it's time to buckle down and actually start some baby prep ~ I need to get baby shower lists emailed out to friends that want to throw a shower (one in Indy, one in IL), decide on + order a crib, fill out baby registry, and get a few options for each name decided on.

We're also doing some house work in preps for baby. We live in a 2 bedroom + loft townhouse, it's not a huge place but should be big enough for us plus a baby. Our first big project was to clear out some unnecessary stuff from our place. My youngest bro just graduated college in December, so he came to take a ton of it for his first apartment: a futon, a kitchen table, four chairs, a papison chair, weight bench, weights, desk, and desk chair. That freed up a ton of space upstairs so we could turn the loft into a third bedroom, which is currently in progress:

(that would be hub's dad who is helping out!)

And we also purchased a new kitchen island from Ikea that I loooove:

So, some progress, so much more to do, but so very excited to get started!

I hope everyone is having a great start to 2011! Happy new year!

I'm back: Pregnancy paranoia and anatomy scan

2010-12-29T15:11:00.001-06:00

Well, hello everyone! I got my computer back on Monday morning and after 1 hour on the phone with tech support due to a resolution issue (the wrong graphics driver was on the computer causing it to be all crazy stretched), I'm back in contact w/ the internets. Ahhh! I still need to reload everything - pics, music, documents, etc, but that project will need to wait until next week after we return from another out of town trip (to Minnesota). We returned from Christmas in Indiana with my family on Sunday.

Christmas was great ~ although I felt pregnancy paranoia taking over me in full force. Since I made it through the first trimester, I am now extremely careful of everything I breathe, eat, and do. Eating food prepared by others all weekend stressed me out (is the meat cooked throughly? Are the veggies washed completely? Did mom seriously just use the same cutting board for celery that she did for raw meat? Can I eat the bacon in the salad if it's that weird bacon you buy in a bag that's precooked? Is it even real bacon?).

It's exhausting. I hate that I'm constantly thinking about this and whether or not some piece of food will cause fetal demise. In the end, I know that no matter how careful I am, if something goes wrong it will and there's really nothing I can do about it. But at the same time, I can't not be careful. I want to at least know that I was as careful as possible, where is the happy medium with this? I feel like a lunatic!

The paranoia was the worst when my sister sprayed her new suede boots with water resistant spray in the house. I smelled a gasoline-like smell in the kitchen and saw a spray bottle with huge warnings: "Spray outside in well ventilated area. DO NOT inhale." I got all worked up about it and yelled at my sister and said some stupid sh!t about how she must not care I'm pregnant and she's being careless. And I made her cry. Turns out she used a different spray that didn't have such scary warnings and I was just being a paranoid bitch. UGH, I felt horrible esp for snapping at her for something so small. I really, really need to relax already. I'm trying to keep the crazy at bay...but it's hard to just trust things will be okay.

One thing that helps keep the crazy away: the anatomy scan today! I was seriously wondering if baby was alive since I still haven't felt much for movement (maybe that feeling like I'm on a roller coaster was the baby?, maybe that tickly feeling beneath my belly button was the baby? but nothing definite). Baby is still alive and all looks good. He / she was breech during the scan with spine out. we don't want to know the gender anyways, but the little one made sure that we didn't get a glimpse and even the tech is in the dark as to what we're having! Everything the tech saw she said looked good: brain, heart, umbilical cord, fluid, arms, legs, (posterior) placenta, etc. All looks good!! She estimated the lil one weighs around 9 ounces and is measuring about 18 weeks 5 days (I'm 19 weeks, 1 day). I wish that it was measuring ahead, but she said it's right on target. Heart rate was a healthy 156.

So, sweet relief!!! I'm amazed that I'm 19 weeks along and I feel like it's time to get a move on baby prep (like, ordering a crib, registering, house prep - turning our loft into a third bedroom, etc)...but the details on that (and of course, reservations...) will have to wait til another post.

What's important is ~ all is good, all is well, baby is healthy! Happy day :-D

Happy 2011 to all and hope everyone had a Merry Christmas !!

Laptop out of commission

2010-12-15T19:33:00.000-06:00

Well...my computer decided to crap out this morning. I got the lovely black screen of death with the words "operating system not found" displayed in white. Perrrrfect.

I spent an hour on the phone with tech support tonight - going through all of the possible steps that might cure such a computer ailment:
-turn computer off, remove battery, unplug ac adapter. Let computer sit for one minute. Start computer.
-press f8 during start up
-attempt one key recovery

All of these attempts failed and I have to send my laptop (bought in may of this year) in for a total hard drive replacement. I will lose all files and Data. I have to send my computer in via fed ex and it should be fixed within 5-7 business days. Oh goody.

I'm frustrated with this laptop! This is the second time vie had to send it in and start all over setting it up. I purchased another warranty extension for it today just in case something like this happens again. I feel like I'm pouring money into something that's goof to keep breaking.

Anyways, i didnt mean to whine so much, the point is I'm without a computer for the next week and a half. I won't be able to comment or post much
:-(.

I will try to keep up on reading on my phone. Maybe I'll post too from my phone (like this beautiful post full of misspellings and grammatical errors)

Cruisin' along at 16 weeks

2010-12-10T11:33:00.000-06:00

16 weeks, 3 days today! This was the first week when I actually lost track and couldn't remember if it was 16 or 17 weeks. I guess every week before this, I've really been focused on how many weeks / days I am and staring down at the next Tuesday as a milestone that I was one week closer to the safe zone....and thinking every morning and night, I made it one more night, one more day. I guess I have relaxed a bit and I'm just starting to enjoy being pregnant.

We got good news that the quad screen came back normal on Monday. Huge sigh of relief!

I'm finally able to eat more foods, I wouldn't say I'm totally back to normal but the strong aversions to a lot of veggies are gone. I'm still not loving meat by itself (would never eat a steak or chicken unless it's chopped up and mixed in) and I still gag and throw up occasionally after brushing my teeth, but I am feeling a whole lot better. Thank you, second trimester.

Also, the bod...my belly is still growing and I now have a distinct curves instead of just it feeling chunky. I'm starting to love it.

16w0d trying on some maternity clothes

And...last Friday, we announced the news on Face.book. Which I had a lot of reservations about, since I've had many days when a FB pregnancy announcement upset me and I really didn't want to do that to someone else. But, a lot of my friends were bothering me to "make it FB official." So we did. It feels good that we're done telling people.

Approaching the EDD of the ectopic

2010-12-08T16:37:00.001-06:00

As it gets further into December, I've been thinking more and more about the ectopic pregnancy in April and what could have been if that embryo would have snuggled in in the right place. The due date would have been sometime in the next week, though I never allowed myself to be so hopeful to look up the exact due date. The pregnancy was so close after the miscarriage and since it was such a surprise positive after the negative beta....and hardly gave me much time to become attached to the idea before it was deemed ectopic and I had no choice but to get the methotrexate shots to deteriorate my would-be baby's cells from my body.

It's so hard now to reflect and grieve over that baby when a tiny new life is now growing and thriving {I think, I hope} inside of me right now. And this baby wouldn't exist if the ectopic worked out. It's an intricate web of emotion....remember the loss and what could have been, feeling the sadness of having to take the methotrexate and wait all those months for the cells to completely disappear from my fallopian tube; and at the same time at peace that this baby that I'm carrying right now and love so much probably wouldn't exist if I hadn't gone through that hell, guilt in thinking that this baby somehow replaces the one I lost and not properly grieving my ectopic. The baby that never even had a chance.

I'm crying writing this now. Feeling sad at how unfair the situation was, wondering how different the past 8 months would have been if the pregnancy was in the right place and it worked out....I could have a baby right now. I could be preparing for labor. I could be as big and busting at the seams with a baby, waiting for my water to break and be rushed to the hospital.

But, what happened happened and here I am, 16 weeks and 1 day along with a little miracle baby who caught us totally by surprise. While I don't understand why the past had to be so painful, why I had to lose two babies this year, why things were so hard, and why I had to go through so much....we made it through. We're very lucky and fortunate to expecting again...with what looks to be our first child....in May 2011. I'm so thankful.

To my December 2010 baby,
I will always remember you. There will always be a part of me missing that belongs to you. The months that you were with us changed me more than I can comprehend. I loved you. I wanted you so very much. I'm so sorry that it wasn't meant to be.
Love always,
your mama.

15 week OB appointment

2010-12-01T15:07:00.001-06:00

All looks good! Heart rate was in the 150's, my little fetus is still alive :-)!

We have officially made it to the second trimester with no issues whatsoever. Amazing, awesome, surreal.

The appointment was really uneventful, the doc was running behind b/c of a delivery so we waited nearly an hour to be brought back. I didn't even take my pants off for the appointment, she just folded down my jeans for the doppler and found the heartbeat immediately. {It was weird, I was like really? no stirrups? Stirrups, my old friends!} It was my first time actually hearing the heartbeat {fetus was too little last time and moving around too much} the swoosh swoosh sound is so calming. (hmm maybe I should get a doppler....now that I could actually find the heartbeat...but I'll be able to feel the kicks soon enough, right? It's not worth the $$?)

My blood pressure looks good, weight up about 4 pounds, all good. They did draw blood for the quad screen (I think that's what the blood test is called? It's the second trimester test for down's, open neural tube defects and trisomy 18). We should have the results in about a week and they will call us whether bad or good.

I feel quite a bit of relief after today's appointment, ahh, we made it. My OB remarked, "You are out of the woods!" today and I do feel that relief. I just wish I felt the pure excitement without a bit of trepidation.

Part of me wants to tell the world we're expecting and the other half can hardly say the words "I'm pregnant" without feeling like a total fake.

But, today is a milestone, it's to be celebrated! I think I will take the afternoon and buy my first cute baby item. Maybe I'll even head out to buy that crib bedding I've been eying forever. Maybe then I'll get a little more excited. Or maybe I'll break down into tears in the store and run out in hysterics...but I think it's time to push myself a bit. I gotta start enjoying this and believing it.

Without further ado my first (although hideous) bump shot for the blog. This was before my yoga session yesterday (pre-shower, make up etc). Hopefully others are much more, erm, flattering. The belleh probably looks extra big because the girls were smashed by a sports bra. Hott.

Last but not least, thank you all for your supportive and understanding comments on yesterday's post. It helps so much to hear your experiences and know I'm not the only one feeling this way.

Struggling with my changing body :(

2010-11-30T00:04:00.002-06:00

{Warning.... Pregnancy whining ahead....... }

It's a bit funny to talk about my body, size, shape, etc on my blog to my readers, most of whom haven't met me in person. Anything I say is totally skewed by my own opinion of my body and all numbers I post never tell a full story...and obviously for photos, I will always choose the most flattering ones. Because, who wouldn't? :-)

I'm tall, 5'10 and I'm not a small girl or a naturally thin girl, though I'm not plus size. {I could fit perfectly into most size 10 sample gowns while wedding dress shopping. Perfect length, fit for me. The only time I've ever had a truly easy time fitting into clothes....}

At my thinnest and most athletic in high school (I'm talking 2+ hours of exercise / day, 6 days a week), I weighed in at 165. I must have carried that weight well. When I got my driver's license at 16 and wrote 165 down as my weight, the lady at the BMV said, "You don't weigh 165, do you?!" and I sarcastically replied with a giggle "no, I um, weigh 120." Because seriously, if I weighed 120 pounds I would be severely anorexic. Silly me, the lady didn't get my sarcasm and I had 120 pounds listed on my license for 5 years. {Lesson here: don't joke with people who work at the BMV. They apparently don't recognize humor :-) }

By the end of college, I weighed in at around 180 {are you gasping at that number?! I'm sure most of you are :). Shoot, you probably gasped at the 165 number too, just like the BMV lady!} and have hovered around there ever since, though I don't regularly weigh myself. {I blame that weight gain on my three years on my sorority's cycling team, where I swear I put on ten pounds of ass and thigh muscle which has since gone to chub. And I'll say the rest of it went to my boobs}. I would very much have preferred to be back at my 165 weight, but ehh, whatever. I was still comfortable with myself.

I wear a large in most shirts and a 12 or 14 in pants. I'm pear shaped, I've got quite the booty and thighs and always have, but I have a slim waistline and small stomach. Taking my past and my sort of laid back approach my body and not going crazy if I gained weight in the past, etc, I figured I wouldn't have a hard time gaining weight during pregnancy. I thought it would be this very easy and natural thing that wouldn't bother me at all. I would be so busy focusing on the idea that my body is supporting another little human that a few new curves and thirty pounds of weight wouldn't bug me one little bit.

I had all sorts of great ideas of how to feel great during pregnancy:

I would eat healthfully, only the things that my baby needs. Lots of whole grains, fruits, veggies, lean proteins. The healthy stuff I have always loved with the occasional indulgence of course.
I would keep very active by walking or prenatal yoga 5x a week
I would eat as much as my body needed to, I would listen to my body.
I wouldn't pay attention to the scale, just eat when hungry

Yet I find myself at nearly 15 weeks pregnant still battling nausea and some really strong food aversions to the healthy foods I always used to crave. I still cannot eat salads and most vegetables are completely unappetizing. If I force down foods that don't taste good, they come back up. Like the carrots I ate yesterday. It's been cold and rainy out and I've just been a bit lazy with the holidays and not exercising like I should be.

And there's the weight gain. Up until last week, I didn't really think I'd gained anything. I think I'm up maybe one or two pounds, but it's had to tell, my weight fluctuates so much. {one day last week there was a 6 pound difference between my morning and afternoon weight?! We'll see what the ob says about my weight on Wednesday.} I think I need to stop weighing myself at home and just stick with the checks at the OB. I was worried that I hadn't gained anything in the 1st trimester...which is why I even hopped on the scale in the first place..

But, there is clearly a swelling in my midsection that definitely wasn't there. And the formerly smallest place on my torso begins to pudge out...which I love and at the same time I'm having a little bit of a hard time with it. My small waist is disappearing and I'm feeling a bit..well...
FAT.

I'm not loving my body right now. I don't feel comfortable. I don't feel like me.

I didn't expect this reaction AT ALL. If my body suddenly went from not pregnant to curvaciously pregnant bebe belleh, I probably wouldn't be having this feeling, I hope? I hope this feeling disappears very soon.

Maybe this reaction is because of my seemingly never ending disbelief that there is actually a fetus alive and thriving inside of me that's causing the belly swelling? I don't know.

I hate myself for having this stupid, superficial, selfish reaction to my body changing.

I've been wanting to gain weight, to sport a little belly ever since I found out I was pregnant...and this is my reaction? What's wrong w/ me?

My baby is a hundred thousand million gazillion times more important than my stupid waist or feeling sexy or a number on the scale.

I always looked at pregnant women and thought how beautiful they are and how beautiful they must feel but now that I'm there I don't feel that. In the years I was trying to get pregnant, I especially loathed the pregnant women that complained about feeling large or huge or fat or hated getting comments on how big they are. Seriously!? I would have given my right arm to be in their position and I would want everyone to tell my how huge my baby belly was!

Or so I thought.

But all those thoughts and knowing and wanting to feel differently don't change the fact that I feel like a total chub muffin right now.

{And just so you all don't think I'm depriving le fetus of calories with my ridiculous whining and feeling like a fatty, as I write this post as I'm eating two scoops of ice cream with hersh.ey's syrup. Yumm.}

Game plan for tomorrow: a long walk with the dog and/or yoga. Both if I can handle it. I hope I will start lovin' the bod again..and feeling healthy. Right now I just feel pudgy and lethargic.

I want to feel great and love my body all the way to my 20-30 pound weight gain {which will put me over 200 pounds....and now, I'm the one gasping at that number. I'd be lying if I said hitting the big 2-0-0 on the scale doesn't scare the sh!t out of me. }.

So, pregnant women out there....tell me this is just a phase? Tell me this is normal and I'm not a horrible terrible pregnant woman for feeling this way right now? Tell you felt this way and you got over it?

And for those of you out there still battling IF and wanting to call me an ungrateful, selfish bitch...go ahead. I agree w/ you. :-(

Second trimester

2010-11-23T11:28:00.000-06:00

14 weeks today, hooray! Today is the day that I've had my eye on since I found out we were pregnant in September.

"If only I can get to 14 weeks, I'll know that this work out. That's so incredibly, officially pregnant!"

I do feel really, really great to have gotten to this point, but yeah not so much the skies opening and rays of sunshine, total confidence that I'm-going-to-have-a-baby-in-May that I dreamed it up to be back when I was a mere 5 weeks pregnant.

Ahh, well. Maybe after my next appointment? It's been nearly 3 weeks since my last OB visit / ultrasound, so a little reassurance that bebe's heart is still beating and he or she still growing would be lovely. But, I have to wait until 1 week from tomorrow, and I can do it, it's just that hubs wants to tell the whole fam damily, in person, at my in-law's house on Thanksgiving that we're pregnant. This includes his aunts, uncles, cousins, who are all sort of awkward and I'm not close to at all. I should be totally ok with, but, umm, I wish I knew with 100% confidence that my baby is alive and well prior to such events.

I have been letting myself do a fair amount of daydreaming. I've had this crib bedding open on my browser for the past few weeks and I regularly look at it and admire how cute it is. I've been looking at cribs on craigs.list and online baby stores, comparing prices, quality, etc. I bought a baby name book that I look through and star the boy and girl names that I like. {We won't be finding out the gender, so we have to have one name picked out for each...not sure if I've mentioned that on the blog :) }

Also, so far as belly pics....until I actually look pregnant with a cute round belly (will I ever think my own belly is cute?), I don't think I'll be posting any. My belly is sticking out further than normal already and I can feel that it's firm and not flabby beneath it (I can feel my uterus, crazy / cool!), but I'm still in the is-that-a-beer belly-or-is-she-pregnant phase and there's nothing really to look at yet. So, someday I'll post some and I hope it's soon :-).

Hooray for second trimester!! I can't believe I'm here :)

Hope you're all well and have a very Happy Thanksgiving!!

Someone who has been through something

2010-11-18T13:15:00.001-06:00

Bunny recently mentioned in a post of her need to be recognized and/or differentiated as someone who has been through something. It got me thinking about my overwhelming need to always slip in a bit of my back story from our journey when telling people the news that we're expecting.

A few examples:
Situation #1: when I told the neighbors that I was pregnant at the Pam.pered Ch.ef party on Saturday night I just said it all sort of casually. One of my neighbors is a nurse and just got a new job at the local hospital's L&D unit. I asked her about the job and if she was excited, then I said that I might be delivering there in May. I sensed that the way it came out wasn't how it would sound coming from a fertile- completely excited and over the moon positive that their bundle of joy is coming. It was very...subdued. The conversation continued and they were excited for us, asked questions about how I was feeling, how far along, have I had an ultrasound. I said yes, I have had 4. I realized this was a lot from the looks on their faces and made a quick mention of this being my third pregnancy this year, the first one a miscarriage, the second an ectopic pregnancy so I wanted verification that all was well and all was in the right place. I didn't want a reaction, I just want people to know. Know that I've been through a hell of a hard time to get this baby in my ute and know that it's difficult for me to trust that all is well. And maybe it would make more sense on why I didn't attend the baby shower bonanza or run up to congratulate them on their little bundles of joy that came within the last year. I've intentionally distanced myself.

Situation #2: The dental hygienist that cleaned my teeth on Tuesday. They wanted to do x-rays and I told them they couldn't since I'm pregnant. I wouldn't even have mentioned that I was pregnant if it wouldn't have been for the x-ray. Of course that launched into a whole barrage of questions such as "Was it planned?" (When is it ok to ask this!?) My response was weird again, because for me of course I can't f*cking PLAN a pregnancy, I just sort of smirked and said well, I guess, but I don't know if I would call it planned. I should have something like "We worked for it, tried for it, yes." Her questions and comments kept coming and annoying the hell out of me. Like, "you don't look pregnant at all!" "are you going to find out what it is?" "Do you have names picked out?" Then of course she started talking about her boys and her pregnancies and how she wanted to name her first son Dean after her dad but then her SIL stole it and named her adopted son that one month before her baby came after 10 years of infertility treatments and multiple rounds of IVF, so she couldn't be that mad about it, she guessed. Of course the chick's hands are all up in my mouth and I finally managed to respond "well, I'm pretty sure your SIL deserved that name after all that." Which outed me as an infertile of course, then I had to tell my story about losing two pregnancies and it taking me 2.5 years to conceive this one. At the end of the appointment, she said she would add me and my bebe to her prayer list which is really very sweet, but dang I hope she's a bit more sensitive to people in the future.

I have a strong urge to tell people that know me personally that I've been through something. I can't just let them carry on like I'm someone who was all, "omg, hubby! Let's make a baby! and then we had sex and now viola! Baby in my belly, it's soooo easy and fun!!! It's going to be a May baby! eee! So great b/c I like totally didn't want to be all hot and pregnant during the summer that would be horrible!" I just can't let it go....I don't mean to bring it up every time it's not necessarily premeditated, but it just keeps happening. Some question will tempt me to tell my story. I guess it's good. It's good for people to know about all the loss and heartache that happens in the world, it's good for people to be aware of how hard it can be. I don't want people to think "poor Al, it must have been / be so hard." I want them to get where I'm coming from if my comments or reactions aren't what they expect. I want them to be a little extra excited for my pregnancy and my {hopefully) baby when the time comes. I want to be celebrated, not just for having a baby, but for kicking infertility's ass. For being someone that has been through something. For having gone through hell to get here, and to still be standing up, holding my head high.

But then, when does it end? I hope I won't feel the need to say something when I bring my kid into kindergarten or something. "Take extra special care of my little one! Don't let him/her get hurt! I had to go through hell to get him / her here, 2.5 years, 2 losses...blah blah blah!" I mean, at some point, I hope I can just feel like a normal person and not feel the need to be recognized as someone who went through something. I have to assume that with time, the pain and heartache of it all will fade...and shoot, maybe I'll just get tired of telling my story.

But I hope I always remember and appreciate what I've been through and my identity as an infertile. Even if I do make it to the other side - parenting after infertility.

I'm still waiting...

2010-11-17T16:45:00.001-06:00

...for that moment to hit that I'll totally actually believe that we're having a baby. I'm 13 weeks and a day along today, less than week left of the first trimester. Ahh, it just seems too good to be true.

I've been thinking about why this is so hard to believe, and I guess it's because in the past, I've always been on the crap side of probability with this journey. Chances were good that at 25 I wouldn't be infertile, but I am. Chances were good that after wonderfully rising betas, my first pregnancy would work out, but it didn't. Chances were good that I wouldn't have an ectopic pregnancy, but I did.

Then my luck suddenly changed: Chances weren't good that I would get pregnant without assistance, but I did. And now I just have to have faith and trust that odds are on my side suddenly, when I'm so used to not coming up on the right side of the statistics.

Anyways, the important thing to focus on is as far as I know, all is well. No spotting, nothing out of the ordinary so far. I have every reason to believe the little one is still in there, growing and thriving and moving around. Two more weeks til my next OB appointment.

I've been sort of forcing myself to go through the motions with things, hoping that telling people, doing things that assume there is a growing baby will help me believe it more and feel more comfortable about it. I told a few neighbors at a party, a few more friends, grandparents, and told my mother she can start telling whoever she wants. I bought a baby name book and started looking through it (umm, naming a child is going to be hard). Slowly but surely, I hope I get comfortable with this. It's all so surreal!

In other news, C leaves super early tomorrow morning for a hunting trip to southern IL and won't be home until Sunday night. I should stay pretty busy while he's gone: I'm taking care of my niece (3 yrs) and nephew (6 months) most of the day on Friday (by myself!! For the first time, eek.). Saturday I'm going to brunch and to see the latest Harry Potter movie with my BIL's girlfriend. It should be a good weekend, but I'm really going to miss C (especially at night, it's always hard to fall asleep without him).

Scared of going public

2010-11-10T11:47:00.000-06:00

{pregnancy related post, feel free to skip if you want.}

12 weeks and 1 day today. Wow. wow. wow. wow. {Apparently Pink is also 12 weeks along and is okay with telling US Weekly, so I should be okay telling my grandma, right???}

My little bump seems present at times and then totally disappears the next day. The pregnancy books tell me that's because of bowel not baby, but uh, I haven't had any problems recently with constie-ness. Thankfully. {I'm thinking that may be because of my recent obsession with Clif bars. helllllo, fiber! I've been eating around two a day when I start feeling terrible and nothing sounds good at all, helps keep the morning sickness at bay for me much better than crackers.} My weight also fluctuates quite a bit by about 5 pounds...and I don't think I'm up from where I started. My one craving? Nachos and cheese.

Anyways. The point of this post was going to be how I don't think I'll ever be comfortable announcing my pregnancy. {I am fully aware that this is a very, very, VERY lucky "problem" to have} I thought, for sure after my 11w2d appointment I'll feel comfortable calling up my close friends and sharing the news. I have yet to call a single friend and it's been nearly a week.

I thought, surely by Thanksgiving, which is still another two weeks away and I'll be 14w2d, I'll feel comfortable enough tell the extended family. Now, I'm thinking, well something could have gone wrong from the last appointment to thanksgiving and maybe we should wait until the next appointment for one more check (Dec 1st) to tell. You know, just to be safe.

I sense that I'm just never going to be comfortable telling people, especially those that don't know what I've been through in the past 2.5 years. I can't see myself being able to tell ppl "Yay! I'm pregnant!! Due in May!" without adding in "for the third time this year, after 2.5 years of trying, lots of doctor's appointments, tests, and heartbreak. I think this one might work out...I hope. Maybe." I don't know what I expect from people if I say that. What do I want? I don't want apologies for all that I've been through. I want people to be excited for this pregnancy so that hopefully I'll start getting more excited and less cautious.

I think part of me wants everyone to know that this was really HARD and this isn't your regular easy to achieve pregnancy. What in the world could people say to that? I think I'll just be putting people in an awkward situation and will never be satisfied with their response. Part of me just wants people to know, so they hopefully don't make lots of stupid comments, but I'm sure stupid comments will be made regardless. Like, you know, asking me when the next baby will come along, remarking on how easy it is to get pregnant, all that kind of thing.

I have thought ehh, I'll just let the belly do the talking and let things unfold as they may. Not necessarily with family or close friends, but neighbors, facebook friends, former coworkers, sorority sisters that I don't keep in touch with, etc. And then let my Mom tell most of the family and my husband or MIL tell their side. Mom's itching to tell everyone anyways, so, I should just let her, right?

I'm a total pansy. I know. Tell me I'm being ridiculous. Tell me how I should handle this. How did you handle announcing? How much info did you share? Pros / Cons?

Just another reason why there should be a pregnancy after infertility book.

Our ruined walk

2010-11-09T10:14:00.000-06:00

{This is going to be an off topic post about my dog because I'm still really upset about what happened yesterday....}

It was an unseasonably warm day out yesterday, around 60 degrees in Chicagoland and I was excited to take my pup for our daily walk. This was on of our shorter ones, it's about 2.5 miles or so. We walk to the front of our neighborhood, into the 50 plus neighborhood across the street, and back again.

We were enjoying our walk, just reaching the front of our neighborhood, when I hear a woman yelling for her dog and I see a small dog (about 30 pounds) OFF LEASH racing towards us. The little dog runs across the street and goes straight towards Ben.tley. I freeze, I have never seen this dog before, I don't know if it's nice or mean, if it just wants to say hi and play or if it wants to attack. As soon as the dog reached Ben.tley, he starts growling and biting at him and of course Bent.ley starts to defend himself, growling (man, he has a fierce growl) and trying to bite back.

I've talked about my dog here before, but for those who don't know, Ben.tley is around 130 pounds and is a gre.at da.ne. Maybe you think I wouldn't be concerned about a little dog coming after my dog since he's so big, but my dog was leashed while this dog is not and I don't want my dog to go nuts hurt this dog either. I have no idea if Bent.ley can defend himself very well. As a puppy, even when he started to be bigger than the other dogs at the dog park, he would hide behind me for protection. Since he is a big boy, some other dogs feel they have to show their dominance over him. When that's happened in the past, C has usually been with me and one of us has been able to control our dog while the other one could stop the other dog if the other owner was MIA.

back to the story - this is the point when time slowed down and instinct took over. I don't know how, but I managed to pull Bent.ley back (and damn is he a strong dog), separate the two dogs, and put Bent behind me. I started yelling at the other little dog: "No!" "go away!"and "go home!". Luckily, the other dog didn't try to bite me, just constantly tried to get around me to get to Bent. So, I'm juggling keeping a very strong 130 pound dog behind me while moving to keep the little dog away. It seemed like forever, it was probably only a minute, but FINALLY the owner caught up with her dog.

I was shaking with anger. As the owner finally put a leash on her dog, I didn't wait around to get the owner or dog's name. I didn't check to see if the other dog was ok. I didn't want to chance that the dog might get away again and come back after Bents. My instinct told me to get my dog the heck out of there and make sure Bents was ok. As I walked away, I yelled to the owner, without turning around "Keep your dog on a leash! He is NOT a nice dog."

Luckily, Bent.ley didn't appear to be physically hurt. He didn't have any noticeable teeth marks in him, he wasn't bleeding. I could tell he was very shook up, and I thought it was best that we continue our walk so he could have a positive experience to end the walk. We came across another leashed dog on our walk. I had Bent.ley sit and watch the dog walk by since I didn't know how he would react. I thought he would likely growl and lunge towards him defensively since the attack was still so new. I was right. We finished out our walk w/o incident and luckily at the very end of the walk we ran into Bent.ley's favorite dog in the neighborhood, his wannabe girlfriend. He was totally normal / friendly with her, so I'm guessing will have problems for a while with dogs he doesn't know until we can build up trust again but with dogs he knows and likes we'll likely be okay {though of course I'm going to have to be very cautious with him for a while}.

I HATE that because of this irresponsible dog owner that I now have to start over with my dog. I hate that because she was lazy and lax with her dog, I now have to spend months correcting the harm that her dog did psychologically to my dog. It pisses me off beyond belief. It's not right. I wish I would have gotten her name or the dog's name at least so that I could report the attack to our association so she would at least get a slap on the wrist.

Anyone had experience with this? Is there a good book that I should read to help Bentl.ey trust other dogs again? What should I have done as the other dog approached us? {I tried to keep walking and ignore him, but clearly that didn't work out so well.}

I am so lucky that I was able to control the situation, the neither dog nor I was hurt. I keep wondering what would have happened if I was more pregnant (would I have fallen over and become unbalanced? Would the baby be ok?) or what would have happened if the dog decided to attack me as well (would he have gone after my stomach? Would my baby be okay)? I guess I can't think about all the hypotheticals and I will not stop taking Bents for our daily walks out of fear, but it really upsets me that people are so irresponsible with their dogs.

Giveaway winners!!

2010-11-05T14:11:00.000-05:00

Thanks everyone for commenting and participating. I used Random.org to select giveaway winners from the comments left on my Giveaway post.

And the winners are....

(drumroll, please).....

.....

.....

.....

Marla from The Chronicles of Marla! Marla asked for prize #1:

And Chelle from Once an Infertile, Chelle, you win prize #2!!

Chelle and Marla, please send me an email at ababy4al@gmail.com with your address and I'll send out your prize early next week!!

Yay, I love giving stuff away! Hope you both enjoy your prizes!!

11w2d appointment!

2010-11-04T18:28:00.000-05:00

{This is a totally pregnancy related post, please feel free to skip if you're not up to it...}

Everything looks good!!! My baby is still alive!! YAY!

This post will be all over the place since I'm excited and amazed and giddy-happy right now, but here goes...

We had our first appointment with the OB today and I have to say I love, love, love her. The ultrasound tech was gone for the day, but she said I won't let you leave here w/o either getting the heartbeat on the doppler or seeing the heartbeat on the ultrasound (see? loooove her!). So, of course I am hoping a little bit that she won't be able to get the heartbeat on the doppler, and she said she heard it a few times but only briefly so off to the ultrasound we went. She tried the goo on my stomach at first but just couldn't get a good angle because of my lovely tilty uterus. {Sidenote: My OB has triplets and spotted through her entire pregnancy and said she wanded herself daily through the whole thing. Ahh, she gets me! Not that I will beg her for daily u/s, but she gets the need for reassurance.} Then we tried with ole wandy and got some much better pictures, check out the baby stuff page to see.

My lil pumpkin seed is looking like a BABY now. It was moving and flipping and ahh...just melted my heart. I couldn't believe it. I can't believe it. It's totally amazing, miraculous that there is a lil being inside of me, moving its itty bitty feet and hands. I am so blessed.

Other tidbits from the appointment:

Exercise: she suggests walking or prenatal yoga through the first trimester, keep it light and lots of fluids. She said she's being extra cautious w/ me since she really wants to get me through the first trimester and we'll talk about adding in more vigorous exercise next appointment (in 4 weeks). I was happy to hear with this advice, that's been what I've been doing lately, walking and some stretching. Anyone know of a good prenatal yoga dvd?
Nutrition: be careful of fish, no sushi, no unpasteurized cheese. She said the whole steaming lunch meat thing doesn't matter, though she doesn't suggest eating too much lunch meat anyways since it's processed and preserved.
Sleep: Don't worry about side sleeping until 20 weeks or so. :-) yay!!! I can be back sleeper for a while longer.

Ahh, sweet, sweet relief. I can't believe how much I love this little baby already, my heart flooded with hope and love when I saw its little feet.

Now, hurry up second trimester!

{Please, please let this be it}...

Happy (belated) Halloween!!

2010-11-01T17:24:00.001-05:00

Hope you all had a Happy Halloween weekend!! C and I had a nice relaxing weekend together.

Friday was a date night - went out for Mexican and a movie. We saw "Easy A" - it was entertaining, there were quite a few unexpected parts that were hysterical. Worth seeing when it comes out on video, for sure.

Saturday night we went over to a friend's house for a Halloween party. It was...baby crazy. We haven't told friends the news yet (maybe if the next appointment goes well? I'm not sure). We were about the only couple there that didn't bring our kid(s). The hosts don't have kids yet, but the girl (one of my pretty good friends) was telling people that they were trying and I got to witness the lovely advice from the fertile moms: "just get really drunk and do it!". I ran from that conversation...I can only imagine how any of my input would have gone...:). I'm pretty sure this friend is going to have some challenges when it comes to TTC (her period was MIA for 9 MONTHS after going off the pill, which she thinks was b/c of stress!! I suggested to her that it could be PCOS and she should talk to her ob/gyn about it...). So I was cringing just listening to the conversation of uninformed fertiles giving advice to her and my friend was just eating it up. ("We're trying that tonight!" was her response to the just have drunk sex comment. )

Then there was the couple that announced their pregnancy at the Halloween party in the bun in the oven and bun-maker costume. Barf. And the girl that wasn't pregnant but dressed up like a pregnant bridesmaid. Thank God I'm currently pregnant or there's no way I would have been able to make it through that party. Especially when a nosy party goer (male w/ two kids) decided to interrogate me on our reproductive plans. The convo went something like this, most awkward convo eva:

Him: "So...are you guys planning on kids?"
Me: "It would be great if it happened, sure. It's not as easy for everyone as it was for you guys"
Him: "so, are you guys trying then?"
Me: "Yep."
Him: "Oh, for how long?"
Me: "About 2 and a half years."
Him: pause. "Ummm, well, we used something called natural family planning which works for birth control but also works to help you conceive too...maybe that would help?"
Me: "Uh, yep, I have that book. I know what it is, how it works. I've been pregnant twice this year and it hasn't worked out...so, yea, if it works out for us eventually, that would be great."
Him: ****birds chirping****

I felt a bit bad since I wasn't 100% truthful for him and I probably made him feel awkward / bad for asking so many personal questions, but whatever. It's good for people that had two babies w/in two years to get a little dose of IF reality. I could see in his face that he felt bad about his questions and on the way out, he said "good luck to you." and I could tell he meant it. It's not that I mind talking to people about our issues, but I hardly know this guy, talked to him briefly like 4 times and parties like these previously...and he just kept prying..

It wasn't a bad night really, there was just much more baby stuff than I anticipated and I couldn't seem to escape it. The end of party was fun when we were playing games and listening to the more intoxicated people at the party.

C and I dressed as Popeye and Olive Oyl :)

Hope you all had a great holiday weekend!!

{4 more days til my first OB appointment...cannot come soon enough!!!}

Happy Ending?

2010-10-29T10:47:00.001-05:00

I've had a few comments recently on how happy people are for me to finally get my happy ending.

I'm not really counting this as the end yet. I'm only 10w3d. I mean, that's great, that's good, but man, so many bad things can happen. I feel like this is still so early.

When will I feel like this is real? When will I allow myself to bond with my child? When will I rub my belly and think there's a baby in there and I'll get to meet him or her in May? When will I buy a crib and set it up and actual imagine placing a live baby in it?

That's unreal to me. Absolutely unreal. I've been looking at cribs online, mostly for monetary reasons, thinking how much is this all going to cost us? How much can we afford? I wander through the baby section each time I'm at Target. I try to imagine the baby things in my house and I can't picture it. I still can't see myself with a baby. I know in my head chances are good that this will work out....statistically speaking. But there's a big part of me that can't believe this could be it. I'm still in protection mode ~ still thinking this can't work out, this will never work out, not for me, not ever.

Sigh.

Maybe this is the right place for my head to be at right now. Maybe it's alright. But I feel guilty that I haven't bonded with this little being inside of me. This teeny, tiny little miracle. A friend on twitter suggested I sing to my baby yesterday to help ease my nerves after a very graphic nightmare of miscarriage.

I couldn't. It might be because I'm a crap singer and I didn't want to subject my lil one to such horrendous singing...but if I'm being honest, it was more because....I felt silly, like I was singing to just my hopes of a baby. I've been so focused on fetus w/ potential of baby that I can't even imagine a baby in there.

I hope that the appointment next week and another peek at baby will change all of that. Please, please let my lil one be growing, be okay.

Please let this be my happy ending.

{and if you want to, don't forget to comment on my last post to be entered in the giveaway!}

Post #200, 200+ followers, and a giveaway!

2010-10-28T20:57:00.000-05:00

HI all!

I cannot believe that I've reached this point ~ this is blog post #200 (dang, I talk a lot) and even more amazing, I have over 200 followers! I couldn't believe anyone started reading my lil corner of the blogosphere when I started blogging back in June '09. I'm so grateful (and shocked) that I have so many women following along with my journey and offering kind words through each bump in the road, and celebrating with me when times are good. I truly appreciate having this space to document this journey and each and every one of you for reading this blog and providing so much support.

In summary, this giveaway is my way of saying, "thank you, thank you, thank you!" I don't know how I would have made it through my infertility journey so far without this blog and so many women to help me along.

The Prizes:
I purchased two prizes that I thought would be useful for women battling infertility no matter where they are on the journey ~ whether still trying to conceive, on a break, pregnant, parenting after infertility, or waiting to adopt, etc. I hope you all are interested in them :)

Prize #1

Book: "Life is Sweet," by Addie Johnson. (333 ways to look on the bright side and find the happiness in front of you.)
Bath & Body works aromatherapy Sleep body wash & body lotion
Yankee Candle, Fabulous. midnight jasmine scented.
Disney wall hanging: "Even miracles take a little time." ~Cinderella

Prize #2

Pink comfy lounge socks
Disney Mug: "It would be so nice if something would make sense for a change." ~Alice in Wonderland
Bath & Body Aromatherapy Body lotion, Sleep
Lip gloss: CO Bigelow Mentha sheer lip tint
Book: "Conquering Infertility", by Alice Domar

How to win:
Leave a comment on this post by Midnight Central time on Wednesday, November 3rd telling me why you like to visit this blog and which of the two prizes you would prefer to win. I'll choose two winners, the first winner will get their choice, the second winner will get the other prize.

Thanks again everyone for following along and your support through this journey. I appreciate it more than I can express. Please leave a comment and participate! I will announce the winner next Thursday, November 4th {provided I don't get horrible news at my first OB appointment that day}.

Double digits

2010-10-26T20:08:00.000-05:00

Yep, that's right, week 10 starts today. I always thought that sounded so extremely pregnant when other bloggers reach 10 weeks. But today, it doesn't feel like such a big deal with the 2nd trimester still another 3 weeks away. I've been *trying* to focus the good things (no spotting so far, the belleh that seems to be growing, the huge sore boobage, and the nausea) and choosing to believe that all is going well in there. And, you know, not think about that it's been 2 weeks since I've had confirmation that there was a teeny tiny heart beating away inside of me. I have to trust my body to do what it's meant to do. It can do this, it's doing this..right? Right.

All appears to be going well but I can't wait for confirmation next Thursday at my first OB appointment. I hope I feel comfortable in my OB's care. She did a lot of my infertility testing (HSG and saline sonogram) and my first 3 cycles on clomid. I really like the doctor, but I'm not sure about the office - they've been running 3 + hours behind for appointments the last two times I've been there and I've had bad experiences with a nurse there. I hope I feel comfortable, well cared for, and like my concerns are being attended to adequately. I imagine that I'll feel like I'm out of place or faking my pregnancy or something - any tips for those of you that have experienced your first OB appointment as a pregnant infertile?

I had a great day out shopping with my Mom at Gap maternity. I got two pairs of pants, a few shirts, and a cardigan. They should tide me over for a few weeks til I get out of the first trimester and feel comfortable investing in a few more things.

On a totally different note...My next post will be #200 and in honor of reaching 200 followers (WOW!) I'm planning to do a giveaway!!! Stay tuned....

Getting comfortable.

2010-10-21T12:49:00.001-05:00

Thank you all so much for you comments on my last post ~ I'm still undecided on the doppler, but I guess in my gut I'm leaning towards not getting one. Like Bunny explained in her recent post (much more eloquently than I ever could, I might add...), there's something about it that freaks me out a bit, that brings on a level of obsessiveness that I'm not comfortable with, and there's that chance that I won't be able to find the heartbeat and freak out for no reason. Not to say that I think everyone that got a doppler or has a doppler is crazy obsessive, but I think I would get to that point, checking the heartbeat CONSTANTLY particularly since I am a stay at home wifey at the moment.

I'm doing alright with the pregnancy anxiety today. Each day that passes I'm feeling more and more confident that this is our little miracle baby that we've waited so long for. The fear leaving me feels good, and it also scares me...like if the fear disappears, my lil pumpkin seed will, too. {Stupid mind games I play with myself...} I'm still not 100% confident that I'll definitely have a baby in May 2011, but I'm allowing myself to get acquainted with the idea. I no longer wake up in a panic every morning that my underwear will be stained with blood and this wonderful dream will come to a screeching halt, instead of racing to the bathroom to check, I leisurely check as an afterthought when I pee. {The lack of endometrin goop flowing is helping that particular paranoia as well, I'm sure (I stopped taking it last Friday).} So, yea, getting more comfortable in this pregnancy and getting a lil bit excited....

Also...my jeans, even the low rise ones, aren't fitting anymore. They button, barely, but the belly gets this horrible muffin top thing, it's totally uncomfortable, and it looks horrible. I picked up a BeBand from Target to try to make do, but I think I'm going to bite the bullet and order some {yikes!} maternity jeans. I already picked up two maternity shirts (I really need the length to cover up the band) and I'm going to look for a few more tomorrow.

My mom, who lives about four hours away, is driving up tonight to spend tomorrow with me :). She's a teacher and has fall break today and tomorrow. It will be the first time I see her since telling her the news. I'm excited to have a girly day with just me and my mama, shopping for some maternity clothes, maybe seeing a chick flick, and hanging out. Just thinking about her being a grandma and my dad being a grandpa makes me tear up with happiness. (So does just about everything lately, it seems....)

On to my SIL that I mentioned last time, after more thought and consideration about the situation and a few more interactions with her, I've decided that she's trying to be supportive in her own way. She sent a bag of maternity pants up to my MIL's last night for me and called me earlier this week to let me know the food they'll have at her daughter's third birthday party on Saturday so I could prepare my preggo tummy. I've been thinking about the situation a little more, and after thinking about our conversation on Sunday again and again, I've come to the conclusion that she was crazy scared / paranoid throughout her pregnancies {to the point of her doc threatening to put her on bed rest with the second if she didn't relax}. I didn't know that it was this bad, and so much of what she said to me I think has to do with how paranoid she would be if she were in my position and not about the possibility of an actual baby coming into the family. She is so good at siloing her emotions and putting on a show during her pregnancies, I guess, that I didn't realize she had such debilitating fear throughout them. I'm going to assume that her reaction is more about her, and as I start getting excited about this pregnancy and as more time passes, I hope that I will see some happiness about the pregnancy coming from her as well. Anything more she says / doesn't say to me, I will try my best not to take personally and try to assume that she means well. If she mentions any more horror stories of the bad things that can happen, I will try to tell her that it would be more helpful to me if she was optimistic and excited about this rather than commiserating on all that can go wrong. It is what it is...moving on..

Hooray for 9 weeks, 2 days today! I'm so happy to be this far along and I'm so grateful.

One thing I'm not proud of...I had to unfollow faces of loss, faces of hope. It's not currently healthy for me to read so many heartbreaking stories of still birth, miscarriage, and loss..it just freaks me out and makes me think there is no way this will work out. I don't know how to read that and be happy in hopeful in this pregnancy as well.